Learn to Forgive

This is for me, this is for you.  What a lesson for all of us.  Forgiveness doesn't come easy.  We have to make a choice to accept what has happened and move on from it.  Everyone does this in their own way.  Some people easily brush things off, while others take great offense to everything said and done to them.  It's not always about you.  Sometimes, it is about someone else.  I've learned this lesson the hard way in my life.  Every day, I have to pray for God, to soften my heart, towards people.  That's life.  There are people from my past, who I forgave a long time ago, but then I let them go.  They were no longer in my thoughts or my life.  And still to this day, I rarely think about them.  A few friends, and even a few family members.  That's the way I forgive.  It may not be right to for everyone, but it's easier for me.  I can look back on the past 25 years, and yes, there is some sadness for what was lost, but I didn't cause it.  How can you miss something, that you never knew?? 

As I move forward in this next phase of my life, which by the way, I hope is the middle, and not the end, daily I try to forgive and ask forgiveness.  It seems that I can piss people off quite easily.  Actually, I've always known that, "You're just like your father", as my mother and step-mother will both attest too.  Often times, I feel misunderstood.  This blog is about my journey, and as I stated in the first blog, I'll probably lose a few friends along the way.  I wasn't kidding.  By being honest, and open and putting things out there, some people will realize, that they really don't like me, and that's fine.  I'll be ok.  I've gained support from people, that I never knew cared, and those are the people that I want to forge a better relationship with, and move beyond being superficial and less than honest. 

If you, the person reading this blog, is offended in any way, I'm truly sorry.  This is about me and not about you.  I never meant to hurt you along the way or make you feel less than important.  Whether you are friend or family, you have been a part of my journey thus far, and I hope to keep you until the end.  If not, good luck and may God bring you joy and abundance in your life.

As for me, I'm living.  Finally, I'm learning to live without fear of what others might think.  I'm living to please God and myself.  Hopefully, I will make some of you proud as well.

Planning Procrastinator

This post has been running through my mind for a couple of weeks.  By no means, has it ever truly been far from my thoughts.  I'm a planner.  I know, I know, how does that work with being a procrastinator too?  I don't have an answer, but it has always just been that way.  When I was a child, there was an ordered chaos, that I orchestrated.  When it was time to leave the house, I would ask my mother, "do you have your keys, your purse, my food, the program, the directions, etc".  I absolutely HATE being late, to anything.  Time is something to me, that is equal for everyone.  Your time is worth exactly what my time is worth.  If you are late meeting me, I take offense to it.  Yes, there are circumstances that happen, things we can't control, and sometimes you are late.  But as a rule, I'm the type of person, that already prepares for being late, so I'm actually super early when nothing catastrophic happens.  Every day I wake up, and I mentally plan out my day.  Working out, work, food and then down time.  Yes, down time, reading a book or watching TV is in my plan.  It's my day, I can do what I want.  Having a plan, keeps me from getting bored and doing something stupid, like drinking too much :) 

Now, it's been brought to my attention, that once I have kids, all the planning goes out the window, and you just "Do".  Awesome! Great!  I'll plan for that then.  You see, you can always be prepared.  Knowing that I won't be able to plan, only gives me time now, to plan for the times, that I won't be able to plan for then.  You can be sure, that I'll have all kinds of diaper bags, prepared for just those times.  I'll have spares of things, stashed around town at friend's houses, the office, the car, mom's, dads.... see the list goes on.  I'll be prepared, for the unexpected.  Being prepared will allow me to go with the flow.

Wow, this blog was not even about what I wanted it to be about.  But, it works.  Guess I'll keep it and work on the next one, which is still about planning.  More about plans, but really about being included in plans, and informed of things.

I was a mother once, a long time ago.

I was a mother once.  My heart beat for a little girl, like she was my own.  Many tears have been shed over a little girl lost.  She was never mine to begin with, but you couldn't tell my heart that. 

Met the guy, while she was pregnant.  No, I did not break them up, according to him he was already free.  Looking back, I think he was lying.  No longer do I question the mother's hatred for me, if roles reversed, I would  have felt the same way.  It's been 7 years on Tuesday, since I last saw her face, in person.  It will be her 10th birthday.  A few months back, her stepmom sent me a friend request, and I accepted.  Her and I have not spoke, but she allowed me a glimpse, of the little girl, I loved so long ago.  For that I'm deeply thankful.  I wrote a poem for my "daughter", in February of 2005.

Little Girl, I love you so
Here are some things, I want you to know.

Though you aren't mine, not my offspring,
since the day you were born, you've made my heart sing.

When you were a baby, you looked just like your dad.
If someone didn't hold you, you'd cry and get mad.

As you started growing, smiles replaced your tears.
I couldn't wait to watch you grow, through the coming  years.

Then you started walking, bolder day by day,
outside we took you, to the park to play.

Next you started talking, what a glorious sound.
It didn't matter what you said, you had us all spellbound.

You wrapped your arms around me, and said you loved me so.
I wanted to keep you young forever, and never let you go.

You are so smart and beautiful, you have taught me about love,
you are the most precious gift, sent from up above.

When you get older, if I'm not around, I just want you to know,
even though, you're not mine, I'll always love you so.