Holy cow! It's been a minute, since I felt this good. Probably, January of last year before I hurt my knee and couldn't run, and definitely before I started all the Fertility treatments. I'm back to Crossfit and getting stronger each day. This week, I also started running again. It feels good to have the energy and drive again.
There is a small part of me, that doesn't want to give this up. The selfish part of me doesn't want to try for a baby again. It brings up all the questions of whether or not it will work, and if it doesn't work, I already know how dark, the place I go is. It's at least a month of crying and not being able to work out just exacerbates the feelings of self loathing. Plain and simple, I'm scared. I know when the time comes for me to try again, I will do it, and be fine. But, the next time is it. I'm strong, but I've thought about it long and hard, and there will not be a third time. Unless of course, I meet some hot, young man who wants a baby with me, then I'm all in! :)
Speaking of young men, laughing. I'll be honest in saying I sure do miss the fellas. When you are single and trying to have a baby, there aren't many guys really interested in hanging out. I completely understand. What a weird thing. That, and I don't like the guys my age or older. Too much baggage, and to be honest, they are old. Everyone knows that I'm a big kid at heart, and I will not be with someone who conforms to what "age" the number says. I flirt as much as possible and enjoy every second, but it would be nice to snuggle up a bit. I can't remember the last time I kissed a guy. I miss having that connection with someone. I used to march right up to a guy and say "you, me, now". Now, I am so gun shy, and really don't know how to act. It's quite funny really.
So, I'm just taking it day by day, and nothing for granted. Very thankful to have found a gym, that helps me feel alive. Each day, I look forward to seeing what my body can do. It makes me reach down deep, and push through the voice in my head, that sometimes says "you can't". I can, I will and I am!!
