Giving.

So much craziness in life lately it seems.  If it's not one thing, it's another.

Oklahoma has been battered and beaten lately, in the weather department.  Lawton, thank goodness, has been spared for quite a few years.  The OKC metro area, has just been tortured.  On May 20th, an F5 tornado, went on a 17 mile quest, and 24 people lost their lives.  7 of those were children, who were at school, when the tornado hit.  I was watching closely online, when the rotation began.  As it descended from sky, I called my brother David who was in Oklahoma City.  Normally, he doesn't ever answer his phone.  As it rang, I willed him to answer.  He answered, and I asked where he was.  "Moore jobsite" he replied.  I told him he needed to leave and take shelter, a tornado was headed his way.  He reminded me, that we had built a safe room on this project.  I told him to get in it.  Then we hung up.  I watched as this small tornado grew larger and larger, until I was crying while sitting at my desk.  It was huge, and I knew it was going to cause a lot of damage.  I didn't think, even being in the safe room, was going to be enough.  I started looking online, mapping where the jobsite was, to where the tornado was tracking.  I estimated him to be about 8 miles away, so I breathed easier.  I was sending him texts and anxiously awaiting a response.  He finally called me, a few hours later.  I had been wrong about the distance.  He was only a matter of blocks from the tornado.  When I called him, he was about to head to the store.  He had no idea about the tornado.  In all, there were 17 people who piled into the safe room.  I'm so thankful, they were spared the chance to test the full strength of the tornado, and just how strong the safe room was.

The following week, a group of us, from the local Crossfit gym, traveled to do a Workout/Fundraiser.  Afterwards, some of us went, to offer help in clean up.  TV and movies, does not quite prepare you, for the actual devastation you see.  I was struck, by how quiet everything was.  We all grabbed supplies, and took off to help.  I had brought along some plastic containers with lids.  I came upon a family, and there was an older gentlemen loading up a truck.  I asked him, if he could use some.  He replied "yes, I could use some, what do you want for them?".  That question, completely brought my heart to a stop.  I felt sad and a certain kind of loneliness creep in.  What have we, as neighbors and people, done to our fellow humans, that the assumption I want something in return, was the first thing he asked?  I handed those off, and told him I would grab more, and I'd be right back to help.  I started crying while walking back to the truck.  At that moment, the only thing that mattered, was helping.  All day, I worked with Bob, his daughter Kelly and son Jason, their extended family and friends, as we sorted through the piles of debris, that was once their lives.  Bob had lived at this location for 37 years.  He had raised his kids and buried his wife, 16 years ago, from breast cancer, all while living there.  That night, I arrived home around 8, walked in grabbed my dog and looked around at my house.  It's small, falling apart, but there was no place I'd rather be.  The comfort my house provides, is something these people would not have for a long time.  I showered, and crawled into bed.  When I woke up, I knew I had to go back.  So, back to the store, grabbed more supplies and hit the road.  It took a little while to find the house again, but I arrived back and said hello to the family.  When Bob showed up about an hour later, he came over and gave me a big hug and a smile.  Throughout the day, this family showed me, what it means to smile and joke, even when the world around you seems dark.  They were a funny group, and I've thought about them every day since.  I know, I'll see them again soon.

Ugh

Things are actually better than the title represents.  And at the same time, they are worse.  Gym time is amazing, and I can't wait to post the before and after photos.  I'm amazed at the changes that are happening.  Still some stressful fires burning, but there is nothing I can do about those but wait, and stay strong until we have an answer.

The Ugh, is because of this weekend.  It's Mother's Day on Sunday, and  the posts are already starting.  I won't even try to lie, and say I haven't thought about it a million times, because I have.  I just attended 3 baby showers, in the past two weeks.  I'm reminded daily, that I'm not a mom.  That's the truth, and it sucks.  It sucks everyday.  It doesn't suck as bad as it did in late January, but it's still there.  Truthfully, it will always be a part of my soul.  I sometimes wonder if the longing will go away.  There are days, when I'm so thankful to be single, and able to do what I want.  But, it's all I know.  Maybe this is my blessing/curse.  Who knows how I'll feel, when I'm old and gray.  I've put the baby pursuit on hold for now.  I don't know if I'll try again.  I'm just not ready yet, and there are days when I think, I never will be.  It's not set in stone, or my final answer, but for today it is.  I'm taking it one day at a time, and trying to just live my life.

For all the mothers, Happy Mother's day. 

Random thoughts

I've been doing pretty good lately.  Since returning from Ireland, and having a trip to Vegas thrown in there, I'm now back to a pretty boring schedule, that looks the same day after day after day.  Surprisingly, it doesn't bother me though.  It's a controlled schedule, and I actually look forward to each part of it.  My favorite part is my morning workout, then the lunch right after :) 

Finally saw my sister in law's pregnant belly.  I had been avoiding it, because I didn't want the reminder of what I should look like.  I touched her belly, because that is my nephew in there.  Not going to lie though, I went home and cried that night.  No matter the hurt that I have, life goes on, and I can't avoid it forever.

Speaking of babies, I have 3 baby showers in the next two weeks.  2 on one day, these people are trying to kill me.  I'm sure there is going to be some more nights of crying :) I'm truly happy for all of them.

Working out is going great.  Each day, I feel stronger and more excited about the changes going on with my body. 

Men!  Bleh and blah!  Still on the hunt, the prowl :)  My soul mate is probably out there banging other people.  JERK!  I'll make sure to remind him of that fact everyday, if he ever makes his way to me.

Today is the 18th anniversary of the OKC bombing.  It's unreal to me, that the time has gone by that fast.  I remember that day so well.

Life is starting to pick up the pace it seems.  I'm just trying to keep up.  :)

April Fool's Day.

So this year, it seems that I pulled off the best April Fool's Day hoax of all.  I actually like the fact, that most of you know me well enough, that you would think it was actually true.

No, I didn't mean anyone special in Ireland.  They were all special, but no one special special.  Did I want to?  Well of course, who wouldn't want to be swept of their feet.  Would I move to Ireland? In a second, a nano second.  My mother is not thrilled with that idea.  As a matter of fact, when I text her from Ireland, she said " you can leave Lawton when I die".  Nope, no guilt trip there.  I know she loves me, and just wants me close, but I don't think she sees the light inside me dying.  No, I won't die here in Lawton anytime soon, but there are days it feels like it.  I have so much that is good.  Stable job, my family, a home.  But that's it.  Nothing else happening. 

I'm thankful, I'm blessed, but I'm also bored to tears.  Each day, same thing, work, work out, come home eat and sleep.  Repeat!  Some days I mix it up, by drinking too much and showing my ass, but those days are too few.  That is not the part that I hate.  I'm tired of being alone.  I want to be in a relationship, not just to be in one, but in one with someone special.  It would be nice to find the right guy.  I don't just want any guy.  They have to be funny, cute but most of all, different.  No country accent dammit! :)

I thank everyone for all the laughs today at my status.  My mother cried and was sick to her stomach, seeing me fly across the pond.  I wish it were true folks, but alas, my fairy tale life continues.  One day though, there will be a happy ending.  Or, it could just be an ending.  Either way, it's my journey, and I'm thankful to be taking it.

Ireland was amazing!

I kept a few notes before I arrived in Ireland, so I'll post those.  It's still so fresh in my mind, the whole trip.  I've struggled this week with catching back up on time.  I also realized today, I'm slightly depressed that I'm not there.  So anyway, it was amazing, more than I imagined, and definitely a place I will see again, sooner than later.

March 15th, 2013
First leg.  Sitting at Lawton airport early.   Of course I arrived early, I'm always WAY early.  Starting to get emotional.  Well, more emotional.  I can't believe I'm actually going to Ireland.  I'm so grateful.  Beyond words at how blessed I am.  With the support of my family, my adventure is starting.

This month marks a year of my fertility adventure.  There were some really high highs, and then of course it ended with the lowest of lows.  Losing my baby.  I can't believe I lost my baby.  But, I will be forever grateful for the experience.  It taught me, to give all of myself, my hopes, my fears, give it all over to the unknown.  I've always been a risk taker, but this was the ultimate risk.  Looking back, the woman I was, she is forever gone.

Today, I take the first step towards being not a fearless woman, but a woman who faces her fears.


March 16, 2013 arrived in London
Amazing flight, much better than any domestic flight.  The only problem, sitting for so long.  I slept a little at a time, then would stand and stretch.

I'm overloaded right now people watching.  So many different accents.  I've seen guys from Jamaica with dreds, lot's of "hipsters", the Russians seem to be camped out, by the caviar bar.  Stereotypes everywhere you turn.  I'm waiting on my fish and chips to arrive.  No Wifi, so write I will.

As we landed in London, I was looking out the window seat, even though I was in the aisle.  I had my music playing in my ear, and Awake My Soul just happened to start playing.  I couldn't stop smiling, and the tears gently started falling.  Pure Happiness and joy.  I know how goofy I must have looked, but at that moment, I knew, it would forever be etched in my mind.  As we were leaving plane, the male flight attendant asked why I had been crying earlier, I had no idea anyone was watching me.  I told him, "my first trip abroad", he just smiled and said "Welcome".

I'll blog soon about all my experiences in Ireland. 

Welcome back Starr!

Holy cow!  It's been a minute, since I felt this good.  Probably, January of last year before I hurt my knee and couldn't run, and definitely before I started all the Fertility treatments.  I'm back to Crossfit and getting stronger each day.  This week, I also started running again. It feels good to have the energy and drive again. 

There is a small part of me, that doesn't want to give this up.  The selfish part of me doesn't want to try for a baby again.  It brings up all the questions of whether or not it will work, and if it doesn't work, I already know how dark, the place I go is.  It's at least a month of crying and not being able to work out just exacerbates the feelings of self loathing.  Plain and simple, I'm scared.  I know when the time comes for me to try again, I will do it, and be fine. But, the next time is it.  I'm strong, but I've thought about it long and hard, and there will not be a third time.  Unless of course, I meet some hot, young man who wants a baby with me, then I'm all in!  :)

Speaking of young men, laughing.  I'll be honest in saying I sure do miss the fellas.  When you are single and trying to have a baby, there aren't many guys really interested in hanging out.  I completely understand.  What a weird thing.  That, and I don't like the guys my age or older.  Too much baggage, and to be honest, they are old.  Everyone knows that I'm a big kid at heart, and I will not be with someone who conforms to what "age" the number says.  I flirt as much as possible and enjoy every second, but it would be nice to snuggle up a bit.  I can't remember the last time I kissed a guy.  I miss having that connection with someone.  I used to march right up to a guy and say "you, me, now".  Now, I am so gun shy, and really don't know how to act.  It's quite funny really.

So, I'm just taking it day by day, and nothing for granted.  Very thankful to have found a gym, that helps me feel alive.  Each day, I look forward to seeing what my body can do.  It makes me reach down deep, and push through the voice in my head, that sometimes says "you can't".  I can, I will and I am!!

12 weeks

Today, I would have been 3 months pregnant.  I've tried everything I can think of, to not think of it.  I'll be honest with everyone though, it's not working.  You remember when you were young, and you went through a break up?  Every song on the radio was a love song, couples strolled by hand in hand?  Well, all I'm seeing is babies and baby bellies.  Of course, it seems each day, there is another facebook status about a new baby on the way. 

I've been going to the gym and feeling pretty good.  Yesterday, was not that day. First, I jumped on the scale, STUPID.  My shirt clung to my belly and I looked pregnant.  My spirits were in the dumps, and I couldn't do the stupid pull ups.  I left feeling defeated and broken.  Then I walked in the house and Willie had been through the trash, that I thought I took out.  Nope, there were broken crab leg shells all through the living room.  I never yell at him, when trash is left out.  He's the dog, I'm the human.  But I cried as I picked them up, because what if they would have hurt him.  So then I grabbed him and cried for not taking good care of him. 

I feel like I'm at rock bottom.  Starting over in the gym and feeling weak is horrible.  I just feel like I'm not looking forward to anything.  Life is going by me faster, than I can run.  It's a strange place, where I am.  Maybe it's still just my hormones leaving me in an up and down cycle.  This past weekend was pretty good, but this week has been kicking my ass.  I'm just trying to keep my head above water at this point.