Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Busy Brain.

I don't think I've ever been this busy.  My brain is hurting from the sheer force of things being absorbed.  It's great and fantastic, but man I could really use a "time-out".

Busy brain becoming befuddled, baffled by bewilderment.

^^^^^^^^^ I'm losing it^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

It's 2:20 pm and I have yet to eat lunch....next stop, hangry.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

2015, where are you going so fast?

SLOWWWWWWWW  DOOOOOWWWWWWNNNN

I'm trying to get things done and the year is flying by at a record's pace.  I'm enjoying every second though.  My brain is occupied most of the time now.  That is nice, but tiring.  I still have several fires burning at once, but it's just the way I like it.

We had our Spring Trade show in Vegas, and it was a lot of fun.  Met some new and interesting people.  Signing new contracts almost weekly now.  That is amazing and we are so blessed.

I'm trying to figure out the next few years of my life....ugh   Should I get Willie a playmate? Should I rent a place in OKC and create an office there for us?  (That would only be a part time gig)  It would be quite nice to have activities to do, where people dress up, maybe have jobs, possibly even guys, that are single, who might want to hang out with me....

Napa is quickly approaching..YIPPPPEEEE  Seriously, I'm so excited.  Setting up a time to go zip line through the Redwoods.  It's almost too much!  I love love love trees and can't wait to see them up close.  Oh and all the music and wine  and double Oh, seeing one of my most favorite peoples from the 90's, whom I haven't seen since the 90's.

I'm about 4 weeks away from finishing the 12 week program of flexible dieting.  It has gone really well, and I've enjoyed learning more about food and what it does.  At the beginning, I was very strict and realized I was taking the fun out of the social aspect of eating.  I'm finally back to where I can sit and enjoy something without it killing my day or my week.  My appetite has actually been lacking since Vegas.  I have to wait until I'm hungry, and then even eating meat or eggs makes me feel a bit put off.  Not sure what's going on, but I'm just eating what I want and can stomach at the time.

Crossfit comp on Saturday, super stoked.  There are 6 ladies in my field.  Man, I hope I finish top 6  :)

Exciting things on the horizon.. Can't wait to see what the rest of the year brings.

Sunday, April 05, 2015

6 weeks into flexible dieting

6 weeks have flown by.  Time sure does not wait for anyone.  I've been busy and enjoying every minute of it.  Work is going great and we are staying busy.  In construction busy is good.  Repeat customers and working on new leads every day.  It's time for our Vegas Trade Show and hopefully we meet some new potential clients.  Last year was busy, with just my brother and I manning the booth.  This year we are taking our team.  We are super excited to not only meet with new people, but 5 of our current clients will be there, and that should be great fun.

Flexible Eating:  So far so good.  Treating food as food and not good or bad is actually more difficult than I thought.  You hear so much in the news about "good" and "bad".  It leaves you eliminating and adding foods to your diet causing yo-yo effects.  I am literally eating anything I want.  Counting your macros is taking calorie counting to the next level.  Your macros are Fat, Carbs and Protein, all of these have calories.  Your body processes each of these a little different, and if you can find the right macro count, it really changes your body, not only physically but energy wise.  I feel GREAT.  I'm sleeping through the night and am able to fall asleep within 15-20 minutes of going to bed.  If you know me, you know I've had issues with sleep my whole life.  Sleep alone is worth any extra work required.

I'm down 4.8 pounds in 6 weeks, just a little shy of 1 pound a week.  That is a great number because it gives a good indication I'm keeping my muscle mass, while shedding the fat.  I'll take my measurements in the morning, but at last count I was down about 3 inches in my belly, and 1 1/2 in my chest area.  I'm happy with the progress.  I'm not bikini ready yet, but that's ok.  I'll take a slower pace knowing it will last me in the long run.  I don't feel food deprived, no crazy cravings.  I've had a few "bad" days, where I literally ate everything that would be considered bad, but I wasn't feeling well and sometimes, you just want nothing but comfort food.

I haven't been going out, and yes sometimes that sucks, but it's only because I set a goal.   It is a 12 week goal, and there is a vacation at the end.  Saying no now, allows me the luxury of knowing I'll be able to really cut loose at the end of May.  After that vacation, I'll reevaluate and set new goals.  I'll try to be a little more relaxed with my time and spend more time with friends and family. 




Sunday, March 08, 2015

Flexible Eating and selfish giving, aka Joyful giving

Flexible eating is good.  There are no cheat days, you don't need it.  If you want some chocolate, eat some damn chocolate.  Just plug all the info into your handy app or scan it, then make adjustments to your daily menu.  Yes, it is just that simple.  Planning takes a little time at the beginning, but once you have figured out how to use the app, you are good to go.  I hear tons of excuses from people about why they can't eat healthy, why they can't workout... the list goes on and on.  What I've come to realize, there are some people who set goals and then do everything in their power to achieve them.  Some people tell you they set goals, then they do everything to sabotage them.  Being successful isn't for everyone.  I'm very happy with the direction my eating is headed and I feel good. 

Selfish giving:  apparently what I do.  I like to call it joyful giving, because when I do something, it's because I want to and I'm happy to do it.  It doesn't matter what it is, whether helping friends, volunteering, baking for charity.. I don't do any of those things unless I want to.  Have you ever noticed someone doing something, and they just look miserable?  Yeah, that isn't going to be me ever again.  When I show up, I'm going to have a smile on my face and a pep to my step.  If more people did this, think of how happy the world would be. 

2015 is so far a pretty good year.  My best friend and her kids will be here in 9 days... YAY 

Starting next month, the year gets good for a couple of months.  Vegas for Spring Trade Show, Megan Mullally & Nick Offerman and Kevin Hart for comedy, Ed Sheeran and BottleRock Napa Music Festival.  To wind down the summer, Damien Rice in Dallas.  I'll be keeping my eyes open for concerts to get away to on weekends.  And of course, I'm always planning to see my second family in Ireland.  Not sure when that will happen, but it will!!

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Here's to the next 12 weeks

Back in the gym and it feels so good.  Started back after my birthday, and things are finally starting to come together.  I finally pulled the trigger and am working with a nutritionist.  I can decently plan a meal, but never really knew why I was eating what and when I should eat.  It's time to see what this 40 year old body can do.  Feeling better than ever and want to take advantage of every tool I can. 

Emotionally feeling pretty sound.  Work has been great this year, and there is even more on the horizon.  There are several projects in the works, and I'm trying to stay busy and also challenge myself to do more and learn more. 

Organization has been happening around the house and the office.  Putting things in their places really helps me focus. 

Sleep has been so so.  I'm back in my bed after a long year and a few months on the couch.  The couch and I were great while my shoulder recovered from surgery, but the past few months I had a difficult time sleeping and was miserable.  Last week I finally walked the hallway and climbed into the bed.  First night, slept 5 hours straight through, and now I've been getting closer to 6.  Having more sleep makes me more tolerable.  < well, I guess that is subjective.  I can still be a bitch.

Being a bitch.  When I say that, I don't mean it in a derogatory way.  I'm just stating a fact.  I'm not everyone's cup of tea.  I don't enjoy indecisive people, excuse makers and really just insecure people.  I come across harsh to them, because I have ZERO tolerance for people who can't make decisions quickly or who just continue to live in la la land.  Once I've told you something a few times, over the span of years and you still make the same mistakes, I will quickly call you out.  And by quickly I mean, I always call you out.  Nothing has changed and yet I still have to say something over and over and over... you get the picture

Patience:  Still not one of my strong suits ^^ see above post

Ok, so I'm going to try and relax for the rest of the evening.  I'm super excited to see what the next twelve weeks brings.  I'll blog about my progress not only in the gym and kitchen, but I'm going to brag about work too.  2015 is going to be our year!!!


Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Last day of my thirties.

What is it about milestones, that cause you to stop and reflect?  I've been having a blast with the big day event calendar, counting down the days to my birthday.  Seeing myself at different ages has stirred up memories and forgotten times.

I'm going to try and keep this short and simple, easier said than done.

I'm so grateful and thankful for all that I have in my life.  I've been blessed beyond what I think I deserve: 

Dad, you will never understand the depth of my love for you.  You and I can sit and shoot the shit, and have more fun than any two people I know.  You understand my humor more than anyone on this planet.  Watching you bust your ass for everything you have in life is such an inspiration for me, to continue on doing what you started.  Thank you for every time you bailed me out of a bad situation.  Thank you for saying no at times.  Thank you for saying yes more than once.  Thank you for pushing me to be more and do more.  I may not ever do it the way you would, but your voice is in my head.  You've taught me how to be a business woman and not back down from anyone.  My success is only because you paved the way for everything I have today.  I love you daddio

Mammie, you will never understand the depth of my love for you.  I respect you for being a strong woman through a lot of situations that would have sent other people running.  My childhood, although not normal, was one of the best times of my life.  There may be times, where I bring up the bad memories, but the good definitely outweigh the bad.  I remember road trips in the Firebird, because you wanted to drive fast.  I remember fishing at the butt crack of dawn.  Your typewriter and the sound of your fingernails as you typed is forever etched in my brain.  Not only that, you didn't say no when I wanted to play with it, you taught me.  All the things you loved, you shared your knowledge.  How many people can say they had their own pool stick at 2?  How many people served Miller Lite pony bottles when they were 4?  How many people were taught how to drive, starting at 11 years old?   And not in a piece of shit car, but a 1974 red Firebird.  You gave all of yourself to me and to Dallas.  I know that and I love you for it.  Thank you for Bosco, 86 chickens, 2 pheasants, 2 ducks, 2 goats and one Caiman crocodile.  Thank you for old music.  It will one day be my demise.  I'll hear a song when I'm 80 and go to call you, and you won't be there.  You are my music.  Your soundtrack is my soundtrack.

That's it for today folks.. all you get.  There are so many more people who add to the sum of who I am, and I will write about them at a later date.  I just wanted to start with the two people who gave me life.  Two crazy people met, fell in love, and created one perfect beautiful little girl.... ME

Growing older is a privilege.  I am going to work harder on not taking it for granted.

Goodbye 30's.... hello 30's again.  I may have to work on how to say 40.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

First blog of the New year, and possibly the toughest

I apologize in advance for any rambling and run on sentences.  My brain is filled with thoughts and I need to get them down and out.

I don't remember my goals and aspirations as a little girl.  The only thing I know, is I wanted to be successful, independent and fearless.  As I quickly approach 40, I'm not sure where I am according to those terms.  I guess it depends on how you view it. 

I AM ENOUGH.  That is my new Mantra, and I catch myself saying it quite a bit.  Not to take anything away from anyone who contributes to my happiness, but I AM ENOUGH.

Most of the women who read this will understand what I say next, maybe a few men.  I can't even begin to count the number of times I've been asked "when will you have kids, why aren't you married?".  It starts young too.  Early twenties is usually when the questions begin about your relationships.  "Is he the one, what's wrong with that guy, why aren't you dating?"  It makes you question yourself and wonder, is there something wrong with me?  The answer is "I AM ENOUGH"  I wish I would have known this then.  I bent over backwards for all the wrong men, I changed what I liked to be accepted.  I dated young, old, fat, skinny, bald... anything to not be alone.  I lost myself in the quest to be loved by someone.  I gave up dreams because I was impatient.  I dated assholes who used me, because according to all the questions, I needed someone to make me happy.  I believed the lie that was being sold.  A woman looking and searching for her prince charming.  Someone to sweep me off my feet.  Well, I'm still waiting.  But now I'm waiting because I choose to wait.  Because "I AM ENOUGH"

Children...a whole different level of hurt and pain.  Some people may not know this about me, and they may be shocked and it make them not like me anymore, but I have to be honest about who I am.  My heart was not always as strong as it is now.  Nor was I a good person.  No wait, I've always been a good person, but my moral compass was a little fucked up.  I chose sex, drugs and everything over anything else.  I've had an abortion.  The father wanted nothing to do with me and I couldn't handle the thought of being young and broke and a single mother.  I hated my situation and I hated myself.  I had lost control and I just couldn't do it.  I know there will be some people who say "karma is a bitch" or "I got what I deserved".  Usually those people don't know the whole back story.  I was a broken woman with a girl's mind.  I've had numerous miscarriages, one ruptured ectopic pregnancy.  Two rounds of IVF over the past two years, resulted in one pregnancy that ended at 8 weeks and one that didn't work.  I don't need to hear the whispers of those people who say "I got what I deserved", I hear that voice in my head regularly.  It's the voice that keeps me awake at night.  I'm crying as I type this, because I have to let it all go.  I have to move beyond that hurt girl who hated herself.  I love myself, even with all the hurt and pain I brought upon myself, I love the woman I am today.  I AM ENOUGH

My quest for children is done.  No more needles in the belly, no more "what ifs"  I'm emotionally done with the fight and the unknown.  I always knew that the day would come, where I would have to make the decision of whether to try again or give up.  My body is done.  I know in my heart of hearts, that it's over.  It's time to start a new chapter in my life. 

QUIT ASKING IF I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT ADOPTION!  I know that most people mean well, but shit do you not think I haven't looked into every option.  Having someone ask that question is rude.  It really is.  Also, for the people who say, "well, you could have had a child with disabilities, so maybe it's for the best"  GO FUCK YOURSELVES.  Seriously, I don't know what is wrong with people.  Think before you speak.

I'm writing this blog, so I don't have to tell each and every person individually that I'm done trying.  I want to as painlessly as possible, move onto the next chapter.  I'm not sure what that is.  Honestly, I'm just taking it day by day.  Most days, I'm happy.  I have fleeting moments of sadness and I suspect, that will always be the case.  On one of my trips to Ireland, when I took the train, I met an older woman with a daughter in a similar situation as mine.  Her daughter was 43, single and no children.  She told me that her daughter had come to terms with the fact that she would not have children as the birthdays came.  That each birthday brought some relief, because her body biologically was moving past the point of being able to have a child.  I know my fertility issues are further along than my actual age.  Knowing this helps me a little.  As 40 quickly approaches I know my chances are dropping, so I'm going to quit fighting the aging process, and accept where I am today.

So where is that, you ask?  I'm an Independent, Successful and Fearless Woman.  I AM ENOUGH