First day of Stims

Just finished stabbing myself in the stomach 3 times.  Sounds like fun, huh?  No, ah come on.  It wasn't that bad.  Actually called my dad and talked to him for two of them.  He was like, "just do it already, 1,2 stick".  So softly supportive, NOT  :)  Thank goodness though.  Sometimes you just need the "man up" pep talk.  Before I called him, was listening to some slow Christian music.  Now, I'm not saying it wasn't good, but I'm already weepy, and it was not making me smile, if you know what I mean.  The two new drugs, burned a little.  Nothing like fire in my belly, but they were definitely a little more.  I'm a little anxious sitting here, waiting for my body to do strange stuff.  It probably won't, and it will have all been in my mind, which is great.

The needles are all small, but it is just a weird thing, to self inject.  The middle, is a really cool contraption, but the first time you use anything, it can be a little daunting.  But I made it.  Yay

Before I mixed my vials and got the shots ready, I made myself a cheese, fruit and cracker tray.  Bought three new cheeses and am really happy.  One of them tastes like caramel.  It pairs well with celery.  And because I was a nervous wreck about the shots, I made my plate with love.

Don't forget to love yourself.

Day 2 of IVF protocol

Well, I'm alive.  :)  I can't believe it's finally here.  It seems like this year has gone by so slowly, with the four failed IUIs, back and forth trips to the City, the up and down roller coaster ride that came with that.  But at the same time, this week seemed to just sneak up on me all the same.  It started on Tuesday, when my box of drugs arrived.  I had been so excited, then I opened the box.  The most overwhelming feeling hit me.  So hard to put into words, the despair that I felt.  It was like I wasn't me anymore.  Those drugs, what were they doing with my name on them.  Why was this happening to me? 

As you can see, the box was filled to the brim.  The point of no return was here.

So, Thanksgiving started the injections.  The needles for this first phase are really small.  They shouldn't hurt, and they don't physically.  It's the mental aspect, that is messing with me.  Every time I stick that needle in my belly, I'm reminded of why I'm going through this.  For everyone that knows me, I'm the most upbeat positive person, but this makes me feel like a failure.  Now, I know I'm not a failure, but it's funny what your mind can do to you.  Being alone in this is difficult.  It is the biggest learning experience.  I'm stronger than what I thought, and at the same time, it makes me long for someone to be strong for me, so I can be weak for just a moment.  I'd like to be able to breathe, and know that everything is going to be ok. 

My normally beautiful cookie display table, now looks like a doctor's office.  I left a few fruits up there, so it's not completely clinical.  :)

I even tried taking a picture from a different angle, and it still looks scary. 

So, day two and tomorrow starts the Stimulation drugs.  One shot in the morning and three shots in the evening.  I'm experiencing a little woozy and a pretty constant headache.  Hoping no more side effects sneak up on me.  I think there will be bloating and some swollen belly issues, that seems to be pretty constant in all the blogs that I've read.  It doesn't have to be that way though, so maybe just maybe, I'll be the exception.  Do you know how hard it is to keep your mind occupied?  I just watched the movie Brave, and cried.  Come on, it's animated.  So, I'm going to watch American Horror Story, maybe that will help.  I'll try to get a blog out each day.  Maybe that will help, by getting my thoughts out there.  I can tell you, I'm scared.  If I'm being honest with myself, and with all of y'all, I'm scared.  Of course I believe that this will work, if I didn't, I would not be going through this.  It's all going to be worth it!!!

I have an Official Calendar.

I know, I know, it's only a piece of paper, but what it tells me is exciting.  Ok, a little scary too, but I'm so ready.  Will try to keep up with blogging and letting you know what's going on.  Return to the Doctor in a week for another ultrasound to make sure the Birth Control is doing it's job.  Then back on the 21st for a blood test and ultrasound.  If everything looks good and the numbers come back, I'll start my meds on Thanksgiving.  The first couple of days aren't too bad, a shot in the morning and a shot in the evening.  On the third day, we introduce two more shots in.  That will go on until day 12, as long as my body is responding well.  Then the fun happens.  Hopefully my body produces lots of eggs, and they'll go in and retrieve them.  After 3 or 5 days, the ultimate goal, is to have several mature embryos, and they'll put them back in.  Only a couple of weeks waiting time.  I'll take a pregnancy test on Christmas Day.

Of course the above outline, is if everything goes according to plan.  So, pray for everything to go perfect!

3 weeks till Thanksgiving

3 weeks until Thanksgiving.  For as slow as this year has seemed to go, now that I'm 3 weeks away from starting the IVF process, it's going pretty fast.  I'm really thankful that the waiting is almost over, and I can move forward.

You know, I always thought life was just going to fall into place.  I never really put much thought into preparation, or hardships.  There are things going on in my family, that are making my heart hurt.  As you are growing up, you just always assume that your family will be there and have your back no matter what.  That apparently is not the case.  The past 3 months, have opened my eyes to selfishness and bitterness.  I've cried and lost sleep over what is going on, but no more.  Last night was the final straw in my eyes.  It's not so much me anymore, but watching my mom and step-dad have their hearts broken is heart wrenching.  Yes, my mom is slightly crazy, but in the best of ways.  Her heart is as big as they come.  There is nothing she wouldn't do for me or my brother.  There is nothing her and Joe haven't already done.  If there is one thing I've learned in this life, is it goes fast.  Way too fast.  You end up with regrets, and you may not ever get the chance to make things right.  I'm moving on, moving past and letting go.  There are people, who want to be a part of my life.  You can't choose family, but you sure can choose great people to share your life with.  They become family.  Blood may be thicker than water, but someone who chooses to swim upstream for you, they are what I want to be surrounded by.

Come on November!

I'm about to get in the kitchen, and finish decorating the last of the Breast Cancer Awareness cookies.  When I'm finished, they will have consumed over 100 dozen cookies this month.  And I was even out of town for one week.  That's 100 dozen in 3 weeks.  I love making them, but I'm also ready for a break!!

I started a juicing and raw vegetable fast on Wednesday, and let me tell you.  I'm hungry! :)  Not that bad, but baking makes me crave bad food.  I feel energized and a little more calm.  Eating healthy, and knowing  you are giving your body what it needs, makes you you feel better each day.  I'm not saying, that I'm not looking forward to Wednesday, when I start introducing foods back into my diet.  Yesterday was a day that I cheated, but there is a good reason.  I did a CrossFit workout, that had me completely depleted.  I'll try to explain what it was, without confusing you.  We were in teams of 4, consisting of two guys and two girls.  To start, myself and other guy started with 20 front squats, holding a bar.  I think mine weighed 25lbs.

Right into 20 jumping lunges

Followed by 20 push presses

And then 20 sit-ups

Now you would think we would be done.  NOPE  While we catch our breath, our partners are doing 20 ground to overhead with weights each.

After they finish, we start back with the front squats, and go through the whole cycle.  We did it a total of 5 times, which equaled 100 of each exercise.  When we finished, we switched places and we finished the workout, by doing the ground to overhead with plates.  Let's just say, the 4 stairs to get out of the building, were a feat themselves.

It was a tough workout, but I'm hooked.  It's a mental game as well.  Pushing yourself past your comfort zone.  I'm going to do this for the next 3 weeks in preparation for the IVF, which will hopefully start on the 24th of November.

I challenge each of you, to try something new.  It is such a wonderful feeling to get out there, and experience something completely different.

Quick update

Wow, it's been a minute since I wrote a post.  Guess I'll update everyone.  Yes, I'm still alive, barely.  My back went out about 3 weeks ago.  Was not able to run in the SOS this year, but still dressed up like Wonder Woman, and helped out with the kid's marathon portion.  It was a wonderful experience, and I hope to do it again and again.

I've just returned from Dallas and San Antonio.  Went for a few days of Vacay, and then on to work.  Was able to spend time with two of my best friends.  I love and miss them dearly.  I came home with sinus issues and am finally on the mend.

Just went out to garage and grabbed the Christmas decorations.  YIKES.  yes, it's early, but Dr's appointments start next month, and I want to get them up, before I might not feel like doing it.

Other than that, not much to report.  It's looking like, I won't know anything definite until the New Year.  All of my appointments have been pushed back by a couple of weeks, due to my sporadic cycle crap.  It's been tough to wait, after months of doing stuff, back to back to back.  Hopefully, there isn't much more delay, and we can get moving on making a baby.  Please keep me in your prayers, as this is the last chance I have to have a child.  If it doesn't work, it doesn't mean I won't be a mother, it just means that I will have a lot of soul searching before I move on to adoption.

Getting back to normal

Well, normal for me.  :)  I've taken the past few weeks and really focused on waking up, getting to the gym, running and eating healthy.  It was tough the first week, but it's become much easier.  The SOS race is in two weeks.  Even though I'm not running the half/half relay, the 5K is giving me just as much challenge this year.  Having not ran since February really, it has been tough.  Yesterday had a good three mile run, and I'm looking forward to the next couple of weeks. 

October is going to be a busy busy month for me.  I will be baking cookies for The Breast Center again.  I'm involved in the Leadership Lawton class, which will meet the second week.  I'll be headed to Dallas and San Antonio for a week, which will fall in the middle of baking .  EEK!   Then, I go back to the doctor on the 29th.  I'm thankful to have so much planned to keep me busy and keep my mind occupied.

Happy Fall!