Oh this is completely a rant. Yes, a rant, I won't name names, but I am directing this at one particular person. If this isn't you, and for most of you reading this, there will be no chance, that you will think it's about you. But if you are offended, I apologize in advance.
Get of your fucking high horse. You think you are better than everyone else. You sure put on a good show for all your friends, but I've known you a long long time. You can dress yourself up, and act all high and mighty, but you are a peasant, just like the rest of us. Keeping up appearances, for the sake of what? I used to try to keep being civil, but that is hanging on by the last little thread. Through the years, I've taken enough of your shit, and listened to you talk about every single person. It's always about you. It's always been about you. You've created so much drama. Well, I'm done with it. I'm done with you and all your bullshit. I've reached a point, where I'm drawing the line. NO MORE
So while you pretend to be someone, you should know, I sit and laugh a little. Because, I know you.
Ok, end rant. See, even I have bad days. I'm not perfect like all of you thought. :) Like I have said, I'm trying to live a more genuine life. More honest. Well, these are my thoughts right at this particular moment. I try and give you the real me, and that is good and bad. Hopefully the good outweighs the bad.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
Heartbeat.
On the outside, I've always been a confident, outgoing and often times, outspoken gal. But, that was usually a deflection, of how I truly felt on the inside. Probably one of the reasons, I was always drinking and trying to be the life of the party. I never really felt any self worth as a woman. I thought I was only good for one thing. Not only by my actions and words, is that the way I was treated, but it also seemed to be that I sought out men, who would only confirm, that this was actually true. I can actually remember a a guy telling me "I wasn't the marrying kind". And you know what, I believed him.
My heart has been battered and bruised, thrown in my face and thrown away. It has seemed, to stop beating at times, out of shear pain. I've often wondered how much one person's heart can take, because mine has seen, more than enough bad stuff. But, it just keeps beating, this steady pace. It's a strong heart, and I realize, that it only gets stronger with each heartache. Those tears and breaks, when they heal, they leave a rougher surface, that can withstand so much more.
There have been a few good guys in my life, but I was unable to understand, what they saw in me. They would have given me the moon, but I didn't feel like I deserved it, so I would end things. The nicer they were, the meaner I was. They had to be lying, is what I told myself.
In a way, it was easier to put up walls. If I kept my heart shielded, then it wouldn't get hurt. Well, that plan really backfired. It was a stupid stupid plan. You can never truly keep your heart out of anything. It's the steady reminder, that you are who you are. It brings along with each beat, all the heartache and joy it has seen. You are the only person, that can open it to others.
I honestly wish, I would have realized this a long long long time ago. But then again, I kind of like the woman I am today.
My heart has been battered and bruised, thrown in my face and thrown away. It has seemed, to stop beating at times, out of shear pain. I've often wondered how much one person's heart can take, because mine has seen, more than enough bad stuff. But, it just keeps beating, this steady pace. It's a strong heart, and I realize, that it only gets stronger with each heartache. Those tears and breaks, when they heal, they leave a rougher surface, that can withstand so much more.
There have been a few good guys in my life, but I was unable to understand, what they saw in me. They would have given me the moon, but I didn't feel like I deserved it, so I would end things. The nicer they were, the meaner I was. They had to be lying, is what I told myself.
In a way, it was easier to put up walls. If I kept my heart shielded, then it wouldn't get hurt. Well, that plan really backfired. It was a stupid stupid plan. You can never truly keep your heart out of anything. It's the steady reminder, that you are who you are. It brings along with each beat, all the heartache and joy it has seen. You are the only person, that can open it to others.
I honestly wish, I would have realized this a long long long time ago. But then again, I kind of like the woman I am today.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Genuine.
Your genuine action will explain itself, and will explain your other genuine actions. Your conformity explains nothing.
The above stolen from Ralph Waldo Emerson's Self Reliance.
Hopefully, I'm getting back to this way of living. For years, I think I followed so many different things, that I lost who I was. The one thing I've come to realize by just being myself, is that sometimes, it isn't easy. It's hard to be different than something thinks you are. It's hard to be embarrassed, because you say something, that doesn't fit. It's hard to be vulnerable, and possibly have your feelings hurt. It's hard to be closed off to people, when they want you to be open. It's hard to be open to people, when they are closed off to you.
But, I think if you try everyday, to be the best possible you, eventually, it will all fall into place. You'll wake up and be surrounded by genuine people. Whether or not you agree on anything or everything, your friendships will be genuine, and guided by truth.
Wake up, be yourself, be amazing!
The above stolen from Ralph Waldo Emerson's Self Reliance.
Hopefully, I'm getting back to this way of living. For years, I think I followed so many different things, that I lost who I was. The one thing I've come to realize by just being myself, is that sometimes, it isn't easy. It's hard to be different than something thinks you are. It's hard to be embarrassed, because you say something, that doesn't fit. It's hard to be vulnerable, and possibly have your feelings hurt. It's hard to be closed off to people, when they want you to be open. It's hard to be open to people, when they are closed off to you.
But, I think if you try everyday, to be the best possible you, eventually, it will all fall into place. You'll wake up and be surrounded by genuine people. Whether or not you agree on anything or everything, your friendships will be genuine, and guided by truth.
Wake up, be yourself, be amazing!
Friday, June 07, 2013
Sad/happy
I didn't actually think, that you could be sad and happy at the same time. Yet, that's where I find myself lately. I have brilliant moments throughout the day, only to be met, with "woe is me" later in the evenings. I hate that the bad thoughts creep into my head, as the days turn to night.
I'm optimistic and a realist. A weird combo if you ask me. I know that things will eventually fall in place, yet the impatient me, thinks it will take forever.
I think the comfort, that my home provides, is the same thing, as the loneliness I feel here. Day in an day out, I come home to an empty house, with nothing but my books and tv to keep me entertained. I have my little guy Willie, but his conversations are quite limited. Ruff
I find that I feel a big disconnect with most people. I'm not really big into small talk. There are some people, who I enjoy quite a bit, but don't get to spend time with them, near as much. My closest girlfriends, are on the east coast, west coast and way down there in Texas.
I'm trying to stay busy, and do things I enjoy, and I really like all that I'm doing. But, I feel like there is just something missing. I watch as friends and family around here, seem to have everything that I crave. I'll continue to strive to be better, and do better each day, hoping it will eventually lead to something more substantial in my life.
I guess what I'm trying to say, is I always try to do for others, give everyone the real me, and I do it from a place of love deep within my heart. It's not that I want anything in return, but the hope is, someone will recognize my heart and want that for themselves.
I do for others, what I hope others would do for me. I care for others, the way I want to be cared for.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm happy and content, but there has to be more to life, than what I'm experiencing. There's just a little hole in my heart, that is aching for something more. It longs for chance at something spectacular and amazing.
Thursday, June 06, 2013
Giving.
So much craziness in life lately it seems. If it's not one thing, it's another.
Oklahoma has been battered and beaten lately, in the weather department. Lawton, thank goodness, has been spared for quite a few years. The OKC metro area, has just been tortured. On May 20th, an F5 tornado, went on a 17 mile quest, and 24 people lost their lives. 7 of those were children, who were at school, when the tornado hit. I was watching closely online, when the rotation began. As it descended from sky, I called my brother David who was in Oklahoma City. Normally, he doesn't ever answer his phone. As it rang, I willed him to answer. He answered, and I asked where he was. "Moore jobsite" he replied. I told him he needed to leave and take shelter, a tornado was headed his way. He reminded me, that we had built a safe room on this project. I told him to get in it. Then we hung up. I watched as this small tornado grew larger and larger, until I was crying while sitting at my desk. It was huge, and I knew it was going to cause a lot of damage. I didn't think, even being in the safe room, was going to be enough. I started looking online, mapping where the jobsite was, to where the tornado was tracking. I estimated him to be about 8 miles away, so I breathed easier. I was sending him texts and anxiously awaiting a response. He finally called me, a few hours later. I had been wrong about the distance. He was only a matter of blocks from the tornado. When I called him, he was about to head to the store. He had no idea about the tornado. In all, there were 17 people who piled into the safe room. I'm so thankful, they were spared the chance to test the full strength of the tornado, and just how strong the safe room was.
The following week, a group of us, from the local Crossfit gym, traveled to do a Workout/Fundraiser. Afterwards, some of us went, to offer help in clean up. TV and movies, does not quite prepare you, for the actual devastation you see. I was struck, by how quiet everything was. We all grabbed supplies, and took off to help. I had brought along some plastic containers with lids. I came upon a family, and there was an older gentlemen loading up a truck. I asked him, if he could use some. He replied "yes, I could use some, what do you want for them?". That question, completely brought my heart to a stop. I felt sad and a certain kind of loneliness creep in. What have we, as neighbors and people, done to our fellow humans, that the assumption I want something in return, was the first thing he asked? I handed those off, and told him I would grab more, and I'd be right back to help. I started crying while walking back to the truck. At that moment, the only thing that mattered, was helping. All day, I worked with Bob, his daughter Kelly and son Jason, their extended family and friends, as we sorted through the piles of debris, that was once their lives. Bob had lived at this location for 37 years. He had raised his kids and buried his wife, 16 years ago, from breast cancer, all while living there. That night, I arrived home around 8, walked in grabbed my dog and looked around at my house. It's small, falling apart, but there was no place I'd rather be. The comfort my house provides, is something these people would not have for a long time. I showered, and crawled into bed. When I woke up, I knew I had to go back. So, back to the store, grabbed more supplies and hit the road. It took a little while to find the house again, but I arrived back and said hello to the family. When Bob showed up about an hour later, he came over and gave me a big hug and a smile. Throughout the day, this family showed me, what it means to smile and joke, even when the world around you seems dark. They were a funny group, and I've thought about them every day since. I know, I'll see them again soon.
Oklahoma has been battered and beaten lately, in the weather department. Lawton, thank goodness, has been spared for quite a few years. The OKC metro area, has just been tortured. On May 20th, an F5 tornado, went on a 17 mile quest, and 24 people lost their lives. 7 of those were children, who were at school, when the tornado hit. I was watching closely online, when the rotation began. As it descended from sky, I called my brother David who was in Oklahoma City. Normally, he doesn't ever answer his phone. As it rang, I willed him to answer. He answered, and I asked where he was. "Moore jobsite" he replied. I told him he needed to leave and take shelter, a tornado was headed his way. He reminded me, that we had built a safe room on this project. I told him to get in it. Then we hung up. I watched as this small tornado grew larger and larger, until I was crying while sitting at my desk. It was huge, and I knew it was going to cause a lot of damage. I didn't think, even being in the safe room, was going to be enough. I started looking online, mapping where the jobsite was, to where the tornado was tracking. I estimated him to be about 8 miles away, so I breathed easier. I was sending him texts and anxiously awaiting a response. He finally called me, a few hours later. I had been wrong about the distance. He was only a matter of blocks from the tornado. When I called him, he was about to head to the store. He had no idea about the tornado. In all, there were 17 people who piled into the safe room. I'm so thankful, they were spared the chance to test the full strength of the tornado, and just how strong the safe room was.
The following week, a group of us, from the local Crossfit gym, traveled to do a Workout/Fundraiser. Afterwards, some of us went, to offer help in clean up. TV and movies, does not quite prepare you, for the actual devastation you see. I was struck, by how quiet everything was. We all grabbed supplies, and took off to help. I had brought along some plastic containers with lids. I came upon a family, and there was an older gentlemen loading up a truck. I asked him, if he could use some. He replied "yes, I could use some, what do you want for them?". That question, completely brought my heart to a stop. I felt sad and a certain kind of loneliness creep in. What have we, as neighbors and people, done to our fellow humans, that the assumption I want something in return, was the first thing he asked? I handed those off, and told him I would grab more, and I'd be right back to help. I started crying while walking back to the truck. At that moment, the only thing that mattered, was helping. All day, I worked with Bob, his daughter Kelly and son Jason, their extended family and friends, as we sorted through the piles of debris, that was once their lives. Bob had lived at this location for 37 years. He had raised his kids and buried his wife, 16 years ago, from breast cancer, all while living there. That night, I arrived home around 8, walked in grabbed my dog and looked around at my house. It's small, falling apart, but there was no place I'd rather be. The comfort my house provides, is something these people would not have for a long time. I showered, and crawled into bed. When I woke up, I knew I had to go back. So, back to the store, grabbed more supplies and hit the road. It took a little while to find the house again, but I arrived back and said hello to the family. When Bob showed up about an hour later, he came over and gave me a big hug and a smile. Throughout the day, this family showed me, what it means to smile and joke, even when the world around you seems dark. They were a funny group, and I've thought about them every day since. I know, I'll see them again soon.
Wednesday, May 08, 2013
Ugh
Things are actually better than the title represents. And at the same time, they are worse. Gym time is amazing, and I can't wait to post the before and after photos. I'm amazed at the changes that are happening. Still some stressful fires burning, but there is nothing I can do about those but wait, and stay strong until we have an answer.
The Ugh, is because of this weekend. It's Mother's Day on Sunday, and the posts are already starting. I won't even try to lie, and say I haven't thought about it a million times, because I have. I just attended 3 baby showers, in the past two weeks. I'm reminded daily, that I'm not a mom. That's the truth, and it sucks. It sucks everyday. It doesn't suck as bad as it did in late January, but it's still there. Truthfully, it will always be a part of my soul. I sometimes wonder if the longing will go away. There are days, when I'm so thankful to be single, and able to do what I want. But, it's all I know. Maybe this is my blessing/curse. Who knows how I'll feel, when I'm old and gray. I've put the baby pursuit on hold for now. I don't know if I'll try again. I'm just not ready yet, and there are days when I think, I never will be. It's not set in stone, or my final answer, but for today it is. I'm taking it one day at a time, and trying to just live my life.
For all the mothers, Happy Mother's day.
The Ugh, is because of this weekend. It's Mother's Day on Sunday, and the posts are already starting. I won't even try to lie, and say I haven't thought about it a million times, because I have. I just attended 3 baby showers, in the past two weeks. I'm reminded daily, that I'm not a mom. That's the truth, and it sucks. It sucks everyday. It doesn't suck as bad as it did in late January, but it's still there. Truthfully, it will always be a part of my soul. I sometimes wonder if the longing will go away. There are days, when I'm so thankful to be single, and able to do what I want. But, it's all I know. Maybe this is my blessing/curse. Who knows how I'll feel, when I'm old and gray. I've put the baby pursuit on hold for now. I don't know if I'll try again. I'm just not ready yet, and there are days when I think, I never will be. It's not set in stone, or my final answer, but for today it is. I'm taking it one day at a time, and trying to just live my life.
For all the mothers, Happy Mother's day.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Random thoughts
I've been doing pretty good lately. Since returning from Ireland, and having a trip to Vegas thrown in there, I'm now back to a pretty boring schedule, that looks the same day after day after day. Surprisingly, it doesn't bother me though. It's a controlled schedule, and I actually look forward to each part of it. My favorite part is my morning workout, then the lunch right after :)
Finally saw my sister in law's pregnant belly. I had been avoiding it, because I didn't want the reminder of what I should look like. I touched her belly, because that is my nephew in there. Not going to lie though, I went home and cried that night. No matter the hurt that I have, life goes on, and I can't avoid it forever.
Speaking of babies, I have 3 baby showers in the next two weeks. 2 on one day, these people are trying to kill me. I'm sure there is going to be some more nights of crying :) I'm truly happy for all of them.
Working out is going great. Each day, I feel stronger and more excited about the changes going on with my body.
Men! Bleh and blah! Still on the hunt, the prowl :) My soul mate is probably out there banging other people. JERK! I'll make sure to remind him of that fact everyday, if he ever makes his way to me.
Today is the 18th anniversary of the OKC bombing. It's unreal to me, that the time has gone by that fast. I remember that day so well.
Life is starting to pick up the pace it seems. I'm just trying to keep up. :)
Finally saw my sister in law's pregnant belly. I had been avoiding it, because I didn't want the reminder of what I should look like. I touched her belly, because that is my nephew in there. Not going to lie though, I went home and cried that night. No matter the hurt that I have, life goes on, and I can't avoid it forever.
Speaking of babies, I have 3 baby showers in the next two weeks. 2 on one day, these people are trying to kill me. I'm sure there is going to be some more nights of crying :) I'm truly happy for all of them.
Working out is going great. Each day, I feel stronger and more excited about the changes going on with my body.
Men! Bleh and blah! Still on the hunt, the prowl :) My soul mate is probably out there banging other people. JERK! I'll make sure to remind him of that fact everyday, if he ever makes his way to me.
Today is the 18th anniversary of the OKC bombing. It's unreal to me, that the time has gone by that fast. I remember that day so well.
Life is starting to pick up the pace it seems. I'm just trying to keep up. :)
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