August 28th.

Two years removed from my due date. When I look at my life now, it's hard to imagine that there should be a toddler running around the house. I don't long for children the way I once did. There a fleeting moments of sadness, but they pass so fast, I'm not sure if it's real. The sound of a screaming toddler can snap me out of sadness quickly :)

This year is passing so quickly. It has been a wonderful and crazy ride so far. I've seen so many concerts, ate great food, worked out with my best friends, had epic fights with my parents, taken long walks with Sir William, seen long lost family members, made new friends, said goodbye to old friends. I've learned so much this year from every experience. 

As the year comes to a close, I'm embarking on a new and exciting journey. What started as a hobby in my kitchen, my cookies will have a new home.

 kitsitrA  

Just the name makes me happy. Getting the place opened has not been without obstacles. Things change so you adapt and keep rolling. In the next couple of weeks I will open a little shop of my own. I hope that it will give you a glimpse of my heart. 

I'll save the backstory of kitsitrA for the website. Everyone should know though, that without the sacrifices of my family, the craziness that is my family and the love they give unconditionally, my dream would still be that, just a dream. 

California Sunshine

What a trip I had.  Why did it take me so long to visit that part of California?  I loved Southern California for the laid back vibe and sunshine, but Napa was a completely different monster.  Let me just say trees and more trees.  It was so peaceful and gorgeous.  Each day I woke up and stayed in bed just looking out the windows staring at the trees.  The drive from where I was staying into downtown Napa was scenic and breathtaking.

My first full day there, I drove through the winding roads up to Occidental California.  This town was a fairy tale.  Did a little zip lining through the redwoods.  Magical

My second day there, I was able to spend time with my long time friend Aaron.  He's now married and has four beautiful children.  When I first laid eyes on him after 25 years, my heart swelled and I almost broke out into a run to hug him.  You see, in Junior High, he was my very best guy friend.  I didn't realize how much I missed him until I saw him standing there.  He grabbed me in a big hug and held me in an embrace.  It was so comforting.  Meeting his wife and children made me so happy.  His family is beautiful and loving.  We went for a walk and talked about old times.  I showed him pictures of everyone.  His kids pointed out the wild carrots and took me on a tour of their garden. They showed me their chickens and the bunny.  His wife made a fantastic dinner and we all had dinner together.  It was a great night.  I cried a little as I pulled away, especially when his kids ran out to the street and were waving goodbye to me.  It was a special night for me.

The whole trip was special, and I'll upload videos and pictures soon.  So I'll talk about the first day of Bottle Rock Napa, it was life changing in a way for me.  Most of you have read about my struggles with fertility and have followed my tries for the babies.  You've read about my funny yet disastrous dating life.  On Friday afternoon, standing in the sea of people, The Mowgli's started singing this song.  I started jumping up and down and singing at the top of my lungs... "Trying to figure out who I am or who I am supposed to be.  I feel good about where I stand so I can make the most of me...... I'm good.  Living life just like I should.  Wouldn't change it if I could.  I'm Good".....

I let it all go. The hurt, the regret...I let all the pain go singing the words. I recognized in that moment,  all of those things had led me to be standing in the middle of a beautiful California afternoon, surrounded by lovers of music, singing their own versions of the same song.  Better than that, it was all true.  I'm Good. 

Tornadoes

I have been wary of tornadoes my whole life.  In 1979, a tornado took out parts of the south side of town where I lived.  My mother had thrown me in her 1974 Firebird and barreled down the street towards safety.  She quickly realized we were headed directly into the tornado.  I vaguely remember seeing dark clouds very low to the ground.  She turned left and continued racing.  There was a guy running down the street and she pulled up along side him as she had me roll down the window (electric locks).  She slowed down and he jumped in. Through the years, she would load Dallas and I up, and take us to shelter.  I've been under the courthouse, the Pippin's cellar across the street, the Wheeler's cellar by the old elementary school.  We have been in shelters filled with water, probably housing snakes and other critters.

Let's just say, I've always been in awe and also terrified of them.  So May 6th, 2015 at 5:08pm will forever be etched in my memory.  There is really no way to describe the sheer terror and helplessness I felt, as the winds picked up around me.  I had been calling my mother and father over and over checking where the weather was bad.  It was quickly realized by all of us, that I was in the direct path of tornado, and there was nothing I could do, but hold on.  I had mom on speaker phone, while I tried to record what was happening.  I keep a blanket in the truck for Willie, so I grabbed that and wrapped it around my head and shoulders.  I was parked up on an embankment, so I was certain my truck was going to flip.  Because of this, I fastened my seat belt.  I crouched as far down as I could in my seat.  My legs were up under the steering wheel, and I had my head down as low as I could keep it.  My hand was held up in the air to capture outside.  As it started, I can remember starting to cry and saying my "mom" over and over.  The winds grew more intense and you started to see things flying through the air.  My truck started moving up and down and side to side.  I said "no" and "mom" over and over.  Time stood still, it really did.  My brain could not wrap itself around the fact, that I was indeed going through a tornado.  It was terrifying.  I just wanted to be home where it was safe.  For about 5 minutes, this was my life.

There was a point during that 5 minutes, that I thought I would die, but there was also the realization, that this tornado was not a huge one and that everything would be ok.  Those two things probably didn't happen at the same time, but I don't remember where one thought began and the other ended.  It was just finally over.  Just like that, the winds subsided and everyone drove off.

Today is the first day I've taken a shower since this happened.  I've literally been in bed since I got home Wednesday night.  I've been through some hard things in my life, but never anything this scary.  My brain has reacted in a way, I'm not quite used to.  I'm going to go grab some groceries and then make myself clean the house and do some normal stuff.

 

When I was shooting the video, I didn't realize it was on time-lapse.  So the 5 minutes of terror I experienced, was taken down to a mere 19 seconds and there was no sound.  Probably for the best, because no one wants to hear my scared voice.  

The next time you hear tornado sirens, I'll probably already be tucked away in a shelter somewhere.

Feelings.

It's been said that I'm lacking in feelings or emotions more than once by various people.  I'd like to set the record straight, I'm not lacking in them at all.  As a matter of fact, there are times I'm consumed by them.  They sneak up on me, knock me down and try to drag me, to that dark place, where they exist.

I just don't have time for them.  I can't sit around and be led by my feelings of self doubt, anger, guilt, sadness.... the list goes on

That's the crux of being a strong single woman.  There are just some things you don't have time for.  Feelings are it for me.  There are just some things that are too intimate to share with friends or family.  I love to share happiness, joy and success with everyone.  That is an easy thing to do.  But failures are another story.

When I went through my first year of fertility treatments, my family was very supportive.  But I was a 37 year old woman, who went home and in the quiet of the night entertained all my hopes and fears ALONE.  Quietly and without a reassuring voice in my ear, no one to hold me and be my strength.  Every failure was compartmentalized and left to deal with another day.  When I found out I was pregnant, those fears didn't leave, they only grew stronger.  I knew the baby wouldn't make it about a week and half after the positive pregnancy test.  There are just some things a woman knows and this was one of them.  So the first appointment, seeing this tiny baby (really just a blob) with the slowest of heart beats was expected, no less devastating.  I went home and crawled into bed and cried into Sir William's coat. One week later, my baby had grown a bit but the heart still slowly held on. Again, I went home and cried into my dog's fur.  I did not get my hopes up because I knew it wouldn't make it.  11 days after the first ultrasound no heartbeat.  Well of course my doctor was out of town, so no surgery scheduled.  For over a week I had to wake up each day and wonder "would this be the day by body expelled that life"  Hell, every time I went to the bathroom that was my thought.  Surgery was finally scheduled, and that was that.  Every single one of these days, from start to finish, I dealt with the sadness a little at a time.  This kind of heartbreak was so intimate, that a hug from my mommy or daddy, would not make it better.

So yeah, back to the feelings.  I have them people, just like everyone else.  I'll gladly share all the fun ones, and I'm a great sounding board if you are having a bad day.  I'm not a great sounding board though if it's all feelings, all the time.  If I don't have time for my own, I definitely don't have time for yours.  Life long lesson in learning the things we are good at, and the things we aren't so good at.   I guess this little story is to make people think about how everyone is different.  Not worse or better, but different.  The way we process and deal with things make us unique.  It doesn't mean I have to change who I am to be supportive of you, or you for me.  I find what I need, when it's needed, but I also give what I can.  It may not be what you need, but I can only give freely and lovingly what is comfortable for me.  I'm the tough love, suck it up buttercup kind of support.  That doesn't work for everyone and I understand that.  So if I hang back it's out of love for you.  I don't want to add toxic support to someone who needs a soft touch. 

Busy Brain.

I don't think I've ever been this busy.  My brain is hurting from the sheer force of things being absorbed.  It's great and fantastic, but man I could really use a "time-out".

Busy brain becoming befuddled, baffled by bewilderment.

^^^^^^^^^ I'm losing it^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

It's 2:20 pm and I have yet to eat lunch....next stop, hangry.

2015, where are you going so fast?

SLOWWWWWWWW  DOOOOOWWWWWWNNNN

I'm trying to get things done and the year is flying by at a record's pace.  I'm enjoying every second though.  My brain is occupied most of the time now.  That is nice, but tiring.  I still have several fires burning at once, but it's just the way I like it.

We had our Spring Trade show in Vegas, and it was a lot of fun.  Met some new and interesting people.  Signing new contracts almost weekly now.  That is amazing and we are so blessed.

I'm trying to figure out the next few years of my life....ugh   Should I get Willie a playmate? Should I rent a place in OKC and create an office there for us?  (That would only be a part time gig)  It would be quite nice to have activities to do, where people dress up, maybe have jobs, possibly even guys, that are single, who might want to hang out with me....

Napa is quickly approaching..YIPPPPEEEE  Seriously, I'm so excited.  Setting up a time to go zip line through the Redwoods.  It's almost too much!  I love love love trees and can't wait to see them up close.  Oh and all the music and wine  and double Oh, seeing one of my most favorite peoples from the 90's, whom I haven't seen since the 90's.

I'm about 4 weeks away from finishing the 12 week program of flexible dieting.  It has gone really well, and I've enjoyed learning more about food and what it does.  At the beginning, I was very strict and realized I was taking the fun out of the social aspect of eating.  I'm finally back to where I can sit and enjoy something without it killing my day or my week.  My appetite has actually been lacking since Vegas.  I have to wait until I'm hungry, and then even eating meat or eggs makes me feel a bit put off.  Not sure what's going on, but I'm just eating what I want and can stomach at the time.

Crossfit comp on Saturday, super stoked.  There are 6 ladies in my field.  Man, I hope I finish top 6  :)

Exciting things on the horizon.. Can't wait to see what the rest of the year brings.

6 weeks into flexible dieting

6 weeks have flown by.  Time sure does not wait for anyone.  I've been busy and enjoying every minute of it.  Work is going great and we are staying busy.  In construction busy is good.  Repeat customers and working on new leads every day.  It's time for our Vegas Trade Show and hopefully we meet some new potential clients.  Last year was busy, with just my brother and I manning the booth.  This year we are taking our team.  We are super excited to not only meet with new people, but 5 of our current clients will be there, and that should be great fun.

Flexible Eating:  So far so good.  Treating food as food and not good or bad is actually more difficult than I thought.  You hear so much in the news about "good" and "bad".  It leaves you eliminating and adding foods to your diet causing yo-yo effects.  I am literally eating anything I want.  Counting your macros is taking calorie counting to the next level.  Your macros are Fat, Carbs and Protein, all of these have calories.  Your body processes each of these a little different, and if you can find the right macro count, it really changes your body, not only physically but energy wise.  I feel GREAT.  I'm sleeping through the night and am able to fall asleep within 15-20 minutes of going to bed.  If you know me, you know I've had issues with sleep my whole life.  Sleep alone is worth any extra work required.

I'm down 4.8 pounds in 6 weeks, just a little shy of 1 pound a week.  That is a great number because it gives a good indication I'm keeping my muscle mass, while shedding the fat.  I'll take my measurements in the morning, but at last count I was down about 3 inches in my belly, and 1 1/2 in my chest area.  I'm happy with the progress.  I'm not bikini ready yet, but that's ok.  I'll take a slower pace knowing it will last me in the long run.  I don't feel food deprived, no crazy cravings.  I've had a few "bad" days, where I literally ate everything that would be considered bad, but I wasn't feeling well and sometimes, you just want nothing but comfort food.

I haven't been going out, and yes sometimes that sucks, but it's only because I set a goal.   It is a 12 week goal, and there is a vacation at the end.  Saying no now, allows me the luxury of knowing I'll be able to really cut loose at the end of May.  After that vacation, I'll reevaluate and set new goals.  I'll try to be a little more relaxed with my time and spend more time with friends and family.