Quick update

Wow, it's been a minute since I wrote a post.  Guess I'll update everyone.  Yes, I'm still alive, barely.  My back went out about 3 weeks ago.  Was not able to run in the SOS this year, but still dressed up like Wonder Woman, and helped out with the kid's marathon portion.  It was a wonderful experience, and I hope to do it again and again.

I've just returned from Dallas and San Antonio.  Went for a few days of Vacay, and then on to work.  Was able to spend time with two of my best friends.  I love and miss them dearly.  I came home with sinus issues and am finally on the mend.

Just went out to garage and grabbed the Christmas decorations.  YIKES.  yes, it's early, but Dr's appointments start next month, and I want to get them up, before I might not feel like doing it.

Other than that, not much to report.  It's looking like, I won't know anything definite until the New Year.  All of my appointments have been pushed back by a couple of weeks, due to my sporadic cycle crap.  It's been tough to wait, after months of doing stuff, back to back to back.  Hopefully, there isn't much more delay, and we can get moving on making a baby.  Please keep me in your prayers, as this is the last chance I have to have a child.  If it doesn't work, it doesn't mean I won't be a mother, it just means that I will have a lot of soul searching before I move on to adoption.

Getting back to normal

Well, normal for me.  :)  I've taken the past few weeks and really focused on waking up, getting to the gym, running and eating healthy.  It was tough the first week, but it's become much easier.  The SOS race is in two weeks.  Even though I'm not running the half/half relay, the 5K is giving me just as much challenge this year.  Having not ran since February really, it has been tough.  Yesterday had a good three mile run, and I'm looking forward to the next couple of weeks. 

October is going to be a busy busy month for me.  I will be baking cookies for The Breast Center again.  I'm involved in the Leadership Lawton class, which will meet the second week.  I'll be headed to Dallas and San Antonio for a week, which will fall in the middle of baking .  EEK!   Then, I go back to the doctor on the 29th.  I'm thankful to have so much planned to keep me busy and keep my mind occupied.

Happy Fall!

Life

I don't even know where to begin this blog post.  I've been reading up on IVF over the weekend, and I'm not sure if it makes me feel better, or if I am dreading it more.  Of course, both books I read, ended in the great news, that they were successful.

I'm just not myself anymore.  To be honest, not really sure who I am.  I feel very selfish at times, with the only thing on my mind is me and what is going on.  It's not that I don't care about anyone, but honestly, I can't process everything.  My hormones have been out of whack, since that very first Clomid pill.  And now that I'm not on anything, I feel even worse.  There have been so many dark days, that I'm not sure the sun shines for me.  I'm going through the motions right now.  Fake it until you make it, is what they say. 

I guess, I'm just scared.  Everyone says don't worry, it will work, or things will be ok... yeah yeah I know.  But there is a huge chance it won't work.  How long will it take me to feel whole?  How long before Starr comes back?  Right now I'm in a holding pattern, and I don't feel like I'm doing anything.  Wake up, sleep, eat, try not to cry and repeat.  About the only thing I do enjoy, is drinking and laughing, but even then, that "fake" fun ends.  I come home alone (most of the time) <<< sorry, I still have a little bit of Starr hiding inside me, jokes, the girl has jokes>>>>>

Just a blog to blog.  Get out some feelings of blah and whatever else there is hiding.

IVF is scheduled.

Well, we have tentative plans.  You all know how plans work though.  :)  The doctors will officially take over my body around the end of this month.  They will put me on birth control and take over my cycles.  The next big appointment is scheduled for the end of October, where they will run a battery of tests.  If all goes well, I'm scheduled to begin the heavy doses of medication on the 24th of November.  I'm really lucky that someone dropped out of this November cycle.  If not, I would have had to wait until January.  I'm not that patient.

So, I have a few months to focus on something other than babies.  So far, I'm not doing so well.  No energy and I think I'm slightly depressed.  Not positive, but if I could sleep, that is what I would be doing.  My goal is to get back out and pound the pavement, and get in the gym and lift some weights.  Maybe drop 10 or 15 pounds before I go through this next step.

I'll try to get some positive and funny blogs out.  Maybe tell some old stories.  It's time for some laughs.

Official

After the most fantastic Friday night with 50 or so of my closest friends, I woke up to AF showing her ugly face. So it's official that my fourth IUI cycle failed, and I will now be moving on to IVF.

I'm having a pity party today on my couch. :) it's hard because I honestly thought I would be pregnant by now. It's been an emotional past several months, and I have nothing to show for it. Now I'm getting close to the end of this journey and I'm scared that it won't work.

Update.

Well, it's not looking good for the home team.  Negative pregnancy tests :(  Just waiting for AF to show her bitchy self, and then we move on.

I'm not going to be too upset.  Ok, going to try and not be that upset.  This weekend, is bringing in old friends, to Lawton.  I'm going to eat, drink and be merry.  Lot's of laughter is in store.  Once everyone is gone, I can get a good cry in.  Then it's time for the next step.  IVF 

I'm ready.  It's what has to be done, and I'm going to just take it day by day.  Yes, I'm scared.  I'm on the last step of this process.  But, I'm hopeful and optimistic. 

The waiting game

I'm right in the middle of the waiting game.  Day 6 post IUI.  Time is going by so slowly.  If I could quit looking at the clock, that would be great.  Add on, lack of sleep and the inability to sleep once night falls, and it is a recipe for Crazy.  Like I need any help.

Been trying to be more active, but have honestly had no energy.  Yoga last night was great, it always is.  But the running is what I miss.  I've been trying to get out there, and have even laid out my clothes.  But when that alarm clock goes off, and I've had a couple of hours of sleep, I hit snooze and finally fall into a sleep that lasts a couple more hours.  ARGH

Work is going well.  Staying busy, which is always good in the Construction industry.  Lining up more jobs, that will take us into the next couple of years.

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer.