What a year... It was filled with the highest of highs and definitely the lowest of lows. When thinking back on the year though, I'm filled with nothing but gratitude.
January: I lost my precious babe, who was growing inside me. I was devastated and overwhelmed by so many emotions. I knew that I probably wouldn't try again, and dealing with the loss and the knowledge, that it was my last chance, was almost too much. There were many tears shed every night as I went to sleep.
February: Crossfit! I started a journey full time, that has forever changed me and the way I view my body. It made me realize, I'm strong. With hard work and preparation, you can do anything you set your mind too. It taught me to push past comfortable, and go for it.
March: Ireland....Pushed away my fear of flying, and set out on the trip I'd dreamed of for a long long time. St. Patrick's Day in Dublin. Wow! It was more than I ever dreamed. Each day I would wake up and hit the streets. There were a lot of tears shed there as well. Seeing the beauty of that city, meeting the people, it was an amazing time. When I left, there was a void in my heart.
April: Hmm, I think this month was filled with dreams of Ireland and lot's of Crossfit.
May: Started planning my next trip to Ireland. I couldn't stay away for long. If I saw something about Ireland on TV, I cried. There was a physical response. An ache and a longing, that I had only experienced, when being homesick from my family.
June: Crossfit, Crossfit and more Crossfit. This is when I really started to notice a change in my body and my mental strength. My eating was on point and I was starting to get stronger and faster in the gym. It carried over to my life. I was happier and more productive.
July: Can anyone say Crossfit? Throw in a couple of Saturday Shenanigans and you've pretty much got the idea.
August: Oh the dreaded month of August. My due date was the 28th. This date haunted me throughout the year. As much as I tried to forget it, it would just talk to me in the quietest of times. To my surprise, the girls from the gym, surprised me with a dinner. There were about 18 girls who showed up. I've never been one who get's surprised, so it was really a special moment for me. The support they offered was nothing short of fantastic.
September: Ireland. I was so happy to get there and get my rental car. I drove on the wrong side of the car, wrong side of the road and loved every minute of it. Ireland is a beautiful place. It's magical and holds me hostage to the promise of the life, I've always dreamed about. Simplicity at it's best. When I'm there, I'm me, the best me, the most honest me, the happiest me. The half marathon in Dingle, was exhilarating with the most gorgeous views, I've ever seen in my life. I can't imagine never seeing that place again. And then there was Dan. He sneaked in under the radar. Completely the opposite of my type, yet my perfect counter part.
October: Disaster in the Crossfit! I injured my shoulder about 4 years ago, and I finally pushed it to it's limit, or rather pulled it to it's limit. I know the exact moment it was torn beyond just letting it go. Workout called for pullups and I did what is called a kipping pullup. I've been avoiding doing those, because I couldn't yet do a strict. The kipping pull up has movement in it, and I just wasn't ready. So, there goes the rotator cuff. I also could not stand the separation between Dan and I, so I scheduled another trip to Ireland.
November: Light time in the gym. Could not perform any upper body movements, so I worked on my backsquat. I actually achieved my new personal record of 215 pounds, which I'm very proud of. Then the week before Thanksgiving, Ireland :) I arrived back to spend time with Dan. It was so much fun and very relaxing. Tea and toast became an everyday thing for me. Sleep was also restored. I slept for 8-12 hours every night. It had been a couple of years, since I was so comfortable.
December: I was supposed to be home preparing for surgery, but one decision kept me in Ireland for an extra week. I was scheduled to leave Ireland on the 2nd, but I just didn't want to leave Dan. So, I changed my ticket to the 5th. On the 3rd, I looked at the weather and saw a huge storm moving into Lawton and Dallas. On Wednesday night, I cancelled my flight and re-booked for Sunday the 8th. Saturday night-Sunday morning at 1am, I received a phone call from AA, changing my flight to Monday the 9th. Sunday night my flight was cancelled again, because of the second leg of the flight being cancelled. So after two hours on hold, I was scheduled to leave on Tuesday the 10th. I kept waiting for it to be cancelled, but NOOOOO, so home I came. Lot's of scrambling to finish end of year paperwork, before my surgery. December 18th, rotator cuff surgery. Woke up groggy and not able to move my right arm. Mom was watching Sir William and Dad was playing nurse. I spent 5 days with my dad and Crickett. They took great care of me, and honestly, I had a good time being with them. It's something I plan on doing more. Christmas was different for me this year. It seems to change and grow more distant than what I remember. I know it is because, of the lack of kids, in my house. There is no one to be excited for it. Santa Claus doesn't come to my house anymore, which makes me sad.
December 31st: I'm alive. My arm is healing. Still moments of pain, usually in the evenings after I've used my arm too much, like typing this blog :) I'm looking forward to this next year. It's a big one for me. I'll be closing out the last year of my 30's. It doesn't seem possible, but that is what my birth certificate says. Dan is coming to see me for my birthday... HE BETTER! I'm not sure what the year holds, but I'm excited to see it unfold.
Thank you all for the friendship and love you've shown through this year. I've gained some new friends and learned to appreciate the ones I have more. I hope for you all a prosperous and healthy year.
May the sun shine all day long, everything go right and nothing wrong.
May those you love bring love back to you, and may all the wishes you
wish come true! ~ Irish Blessing
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Friday, November 01, 2013
November.1
The month of being Thankful. I honestly try to be thankful each and every day. My life has been filled with so many wonderful moments. Those moments and the memories, far outweigh the bad.
But I'll start today, by being thankful for my parents. How blessed am I, to still have them both, here on this earth with me? I have many friends, who have had to said goodbye too soon. Yes, they both may drive me to the brink of insanity at times, but they are my friends, my cheerleaders, my gut checks. They are a part of me, and I, a part of them.
I'll start with the momma, so she doesn't get jealous. She is CRAZY, certifiably nuts. She will guilt you to no end. She will call me, if she thinks something is wrong, and if I don't answer, she will then call every .2 seconds, until I answer the phone, screaming "WHAT". But, she loves me and I know that. She will kick someone's ass for hurting me. She will stand up for me against anyone who dares go against me, as long as I'm not in the wrong. She has no problem speaking her mind and standing behind her convictions.
My father, the daddio. He is CRAZY, certifiably insane. He and I can fight, I mean knock down drag out verbal wars. He has a sharp tongue backed by a sharper wit, deadly combination. He also, will kick someone's ass for hurting me. He has supported me, when most of those times, I was definitely in the wrong and was headed the wrong direction. He is a man of his word and full of integrity, even when the world around him falls apart, and tries to beat him down. He has given me the tough love at just the right times. He loves me and I know.
They are both crazy, insane, nuts, loud, outspoken and often times misunderstood. They will forever and always be mine, and for that I'M THANKFUL.
But I'll start today, by being thankful for my parents. How blessed am I, to still have them both, here on this earth with me? I have many friends, who have had to said goodbye too soon. Yes, they both may drive me to the brink of insanity at times, but they are my friends, my cheerleaders, my gut checks. They are a part of me, and I, a part of them.
I'll start with the momma, so she doesn't get jealous. She is CRAZY, certifiably nuts. She will guilt you to no end. She will call me, if she thinks something is wrong, and if I don't answer, she will then call every .2 seconds, until I answer the phone, screaming "WHAT". But, she loves me and I know that. She will kick someone's ass for hurting me. She will stand up for me against anyone who dares go against me, as long as I'm not in the wrong. She has no problem speaking her mind and standing behind her convictions.
My father, the daddio. He is CRAZY, certifiably insane. He and I can fight, I mean knock down drag out verbal wars. He has a sharp tongue backed by a sharper wit, deadly combination. He also, will kick someone's ass for hurting me. He has supported me, when most of those times, I was definitely in the wrong and was headed the wrong direction. He is a man of his word and full of integrity, even when the world around him falls apart, and tries to beat him down. He has given me the tough love at just the right times. He loves me and I know.
They are both crazy, insane, nuts, loud, outspoken and often times misunderstood. They will forever and always be mine, and for that I'M THANKFUL.
Thursday, October 03, 2013
Ireland again!!
It's been awhile since my last post. So many fun and exciting things have happened.
1. High School Reunion. It wasn't really mine, because I didn't graduate. And since I didn't graduate, I haven't really aged. All my friends are much older, but not me :)
2. I went back to Ireland.
3. Ran my first half marathon in Dingle Ireland. It was a magical place. So beautiful and peaceful. The run was challenging, but so worth it! I didn't really train for it, just continued on with my Crossfit, but I finished it. 2:43 was my time, but the official time said 2:51. Whatever, I finished.
4. I drove on the wrong side of the road, from the wrong side of the car..... and didn't kill anyone
5. Saw more than once castle. Oh how I love them.
6. Had to stop driving, because there were sheep in the road :) I was really excited about this and started laughing, and maybe crying.
7. I got a new tattoo of a tree on my forearm. I'm absolutely in love with it. It is by far, my favorite to date. It's simple and beautiful.
Lastly, but probably the best thing. This trip, I did meet someone special. I actually met him last trip, but he was not on my radar. He wasn't even on my radar this trip. It is true what they say, when you quit looking, someone shows up. It all happened, because I thought I lost my phone. In one moment, the way I saw him, completely changed. It was as if, I was looking at a different person. Over the next few days, he just kept doing these little things, that really made me think. He said something to me, that is hands down, the nicest and sweetest things, a man has ever said. And it wasn't because he wanted anything. At least, I don't think he did :) laughing
I'm happy.
1. High School Reunion. It wasn't really mine, because I didn't graduate. And since I didn't graduate, I haven't really aged. All my friends are much older, but not me :)
2. I went back to Ireland.
3. Ran my first half marathon in Dingle Ireland. It was a magical place. So beautiful and peaceful. The run was challenging, but so worth it! I didn't really train for it, just continued on with my Crossfit, but I finished it. 2:43 was my time, but the official time said 2:51. Whatever, I finished.
4. I drove on the wrong side of the road, from the wrong side of the car..... and didn't kill anyone
5. Saw more than once castle. Oh how I love them.
6. Had to stop driving, because there were sheep in the road :) I was really excited about this and started laughing, and maybe crying.
7. I got a new tattoo of a tree on my forearm. I'm absolutely in love with it. It is by far, my favorite to date. It's simple and beautiful.
Lastly, but probably the best thing. This trip, I did meet someone special. I actually met him last trip, but he was not on my radar. He wasn't even on my radar this trip. It is true what they say, when you quit looking, someone shows up. It all happened, because I thought I lost my phone. In one moment, the way I saw him, completely changed. It was as if, I was looking at a different person. Over the next few days, he just kept doing these little things, that really made me think. He said something to me, that is hands down, the nicest and sweetest things, a man has ever said. And it wasn't because he wanted anything. At least, I don't think he did :) laughing
I'm happy.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
My Due Date is here!!!!
I thought I would be more emotional today. Not saying I haven't cried, but I think having 7 months to watch this date approach, has made it much easier.
I'm not a mother. I don't think I'm going to be a mother. I'm ok with that. Truly, I am actually ok with that. It's so hard to explain. I love kids, they are awesome and fantastic and all that jazz. They are also crazy, and whiny, and loud and uncontrollable. :) I wanted one so bad. Was so close, there was a baby in my belly, with a heartbeat and everything. But it didn't happen. I thought at the time, I would jump right back in the game and try again. Instead, I found Crossfit. I found myself
When we are little girls, we dream about our future. We dream of big weddings and having children and life being this great easy thing. Well, it doesn't always work out like that. I am walking proof. :) As women, we are constantly asked about our relationships and when are we having children. As 30 something year old women, we are reminded that we are running out of time. Asked why are you still single? Don't you want to have babies? The answer was always yes, I wanted it all. Now, here I sit, knowing that it isn't going to be like I dreamed. My life is going to be different than everyone else. I'm ok with that in this moment. In this moment, I am happy with myself.
I am now free to be me.
What does that mean? I have no clue. The future is a blank slate. Not having to worry about raising a child, is somewhat liberating. Yes, of course I understand I'm missing out on some of the greatest joys of life. Children are a blessing. I also have the ability to do anything that I want. Anything, without the worry of dragging someone along. I won't mess up someone's life, because of my issues. :) And believe me, we all have issues.
It was said to me by someone, that they wished I would become a mother, so my heart would soften. You didn't wish motherhood on me, because I wanted a child. You wished it out of spite. I will answer you here, because those were some of the most hateful words ever said to me. Just you saying those words, proved that being a mother, does nothing to soften your heart towards anyone, not related to you by blood. Being a mother is not the only thing in the world. When I love, I CHOOSE to love. It is an active choice, that I work at. My heart is soft for all kinds of things, but bitchiness is not one of them.
With that being said, I still have a full life. It is just different than society's norm. I've grown much more comfortable with that, over the past 7 months. Instead of looking at my friends and family, and wishing I had their life, I'm excited and overjoyed, that I have the life I do.
It's my life, the good the bad the ugly. It's the only one I get. It's time to stop thinking about the what ifs from the past, the could be's of the future, and start living each day.
Today was my due date. I should have been a mother. But I'm not and that's ok. I'm ok
I'm not a mother. I don't think I'm going to be a mother. I'm ok with that. Truly, I am actually ok with that. It's so hard to explain. I love kids, they are awesome and fantastic and all that jazz. They are also crazy, and whiny, and loud and uncontrollable. :) I wanted one so bad. Was so close, there was a baby in my belly, with a heartbeat and everything. But it didn't happen. I thought at the time, I would jump right back in the game and try again. Instead, I found Crossfit. I found myself
When we are little girls, we dream about our future. We dream of big weddings and having children and life being this great easy thing. Well, it doesn't always work out like that. I am walking proof. :) As women, we are constantly asked about our relationships and when are we having children. As 30 something year old women, we are reminded that we are running out of time. Asked why are you still single? Don't you want to have babies? The answer was always yes, I wanted it all. Now, here I sit, knowing that it isn't going to be like I dreamed. My life is going to be different than everyone else. I'm ok with that in this moment. In this moment, I am happy with myself.
I am now free to be me.
What does that mean? I have no clue. The future is a blank slate. Not having to worry about raising a child, is somewhat liberating. Yes, of course I understand I'm missing out on some of the greatest joys of life. Children are a blessing. I also have the ability to do anything that I want. Anything, without the worry of dragging someone along. I won't mess up someone's life, because of my issues. :) And believe me, we all have issues.
It was said to me by someone, that they wished I would become a mother, so my heart would soften. You didn't wish motherhood on me, because I wanted a child. You wished it out of spite. I will answer you here, because those were some of the most hateful words ever said to me. Just you saying those words, proved that being a mother, does nothing to soften your heart towards anyone, not related to you by blood. Being a mother is not the only thing in the world. When I love, I CHOOSE to love. It is an active choice, that I work at. My heart is soft for all kinds of things, but bitchiness is not one of them.
With that being said, I still have a full life. It is just different than society's norm. I've grown much more comfortable with that, over the past 7 months. Instead of looking at my friends and family, and wishing I had their life, I'm excited and overjoyed, that I have the life I do.
It's my life, the good the bad the ugly. It's the only one I get. It's time to stop thinking about the what ifs from the past, the could be's of the future, and start living each day.
Today was my due date. I should have been a mother. But I'm not and that's ok. I'm ok
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
8 days.
I've been doing pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. The gym has been tough, but I've been tougher. I'm eating more food, and getting leaner and gaining more muscle. I can feel the difference. Mentally, been pretty good, or so I thought. :)
Woke up this morning and I was pissed off. Not sure why, nothing happened. No bad dreams, but I could tell, that even though I laid in bed for 9 hours, I didn't actually get any rest. Came into work, printed checks, did some work then headed to the gym. The workout was tough, but I made it through, felt pretty good. Gave myself some fancy new bruises, then came back to work. I was eating my lunch, sitting at my desk, and started crying. Literally started bawling, huge racking sobs.
I don't know how to explain to anyone, how I truly feel. I don't get to have deep meaningful conversations with anyone. I talk to people at the gym and at work. Everything is kind of superficial, and I hold on to deep feelings, that hurt. At the gym, I need to be strong and focused, and I am, but some days, I want to go sit in the corner and cry. Cry because I'm hurt, cry because I'm strong. Just cry. Just because I lift heavy shit, doesn't mean there isn't a soft heart inside this strong determined body.
I know everything happens for a reason, or that's what everyone says. I would not be where I am today, had I not lost the baby in January. As a matter of fact, I'd probably be bitching about how hot it was, or how uncomfortable I was. Heck, I could have already had the baby at this point. I could have been a mother. But, I'm not. I'm not, and I can't do anything to change that, at this point. I have to deal with this final week and all these stupid emotions.
Have you ever felt like a failure? I feel that way. For as much as I accomplish with work or at the gym, there is something that I will never achieve. I will never create another human. Sure, there are other ways, but the magnitude of never seeing my eyes, or my nose, is a big one. It hurts beyond, what I ever thought it would.
I'm going to take this week, leading up to the 28th, my "due date", and I'm going to hopefully work through all the pain, all the disappointment, all the heartache. It will never be completely forgotten though, I'll always have reminders. You see, I have a nephew, that was born a month ago. So, I'll be able to watch him grow up. And I'm sure, that there will be times, I'll wonder what my child would have been like. I'll see my nephew grow, and think to myself, that could have been me.
Life goes on, and my life is good. It's just different, than I thought it would be. So, I'm learning how to live the life I have, and take it one day at a time.
Woke up this morning and I was pissed off. Not sure why, nothing happened. No bad dreams, but I could tell, that even though I laid in bed for 9 hours, I didn't actually get any rest. Came into work, printed checks, did some work then headed to the gym. The workout was tough, but I made it through, felt pretty good. Gave myself some fancy new bruises, then came back to work. I was eating my lunch, sitting at my desk, and started crying. Literally started bawling, huge racking sobs.
I don't know how to explain to anyone, how I truly feel. I don't get to have deep meaningful conversations with anyone. I talk to people at the gym and at work. Everything is kind of superficial, and I hold on to deep feelings, that hurt. At the gym, I need to be strong and focused, and I am, but some days, I want to go sit in the corner and cry. Cry because I'm hurt, cry because I'm strong. Just cry. Just because I lift heavy shit, doesn't mean there isn't a soft heart inside this strong determined body.
I know everything happens for a reason, or that's what everyone says. I would not be where I am today, had I not lost the baby in January. As a matter of fact, I'd probably be bitching about how hot it was, or how uncomfortable I was. Heck, I could have already had the baby at this point. I could have been a mother. But, I'm not. I'm not, and I can't do anything to change that, at this point. I have to deal with this final week and all these stupid emotions.
Have you ever felt like a failure? I feel that way. For as much as I accomplish with work or at the gym, there is something that I will never achieve. I will never create another human. Sure, there are other ways, but the magnitude of never seeing my eyes, or my nose, is a big one. It hurts beyond, what I ever thought it would.
I'm going to take this week, leading up to the 28th, my "due date", and I'm going to hopefully work through all the pain, all the disappointment, all the heartache. It will never be completely forgotten though, I'll always have reminders. You see, I have a nephew, that was born a month ago. So, I'll be able to watch him grow up. And I'm sure, that there will be times, I'll wonder what my child would have been like. I'll see my nephew grow, and think to myself, that could have been me.
Life goes on, and my life is good. It's just different, than I thought it would be. So, I'm learning how to live the life I have, and take it one day at a time.
Thursday, August 08, 2013
No one likes a quitter
Today, I didn't like myself very much. I actually quit during a workout. I was uncomfortable and hot, and mentally I just gave up. As I lay back, panting and gasping for air, Darren the gym owner and trainer said something to the effect of "what are you doing?" then "I don't like it" to which I replied, "I don't either".
I walked away, laid down on the floor, in front of the fan, took off my shoes and socks and retreated into my mind. As all the other guys and gals, were out there, running sprints, probably feeling, just as uncomfortable as I had been, I was wallowing in self pity on the floor. Then I got mad. I'm not a quitter, not anymore. I don't run away from problems.
Got up, put back on my socks and shoes and finished the damn workout.
No one likes a quitter.
I walked away, laid down on the floor, in front of the fan, took off my shoes and socks and retreated into my mind. As all the other guys and gals, were out there, running sprints, probably feeling, just as uncomfortable as I had been, I was wallowing in self pity on the floor. Then I got mad. I'm not a quitter, not anymore. I don't run away from problems.
Got up, put back on my socks and shoes and finished the damn workout.
No one likes a quitter.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Projecting
I need to work on my lowering my expectations of people. Or not lower my expectations, but quit projecting, what I would do, onto them. Here lately, I've found myself quick to temper, because people are not reacting the way I think they should. Or rather, it's not the way I would react, so then I become angry or it upsets me, when it shouldn't. People are who they are, and when I don't allow them to be themselves, without passing judgement, then it doesn't really say much for me.
For instance, I have a friend that I'll send texts to. Occasionally, they answer quickly and appropriately :) but there have been a few times, no answer. Me, beating head on floor out of frustration, when I should just go on with what I'm doing. Nothing has been life or death, and I would hope that if it was, they would definitely answer quickly. Anyway, I sent an angry text yesterday morning, because I was mad. And as the day wore on, I thought more about it, and realized, I was completely in the wrong. Just because I try and answer every text, and rather quickly, doesn't mean they have to. Just because I text them, they are not obligated to answer. So, I'm going to be working on this issue. I'll add it to my long list of things to let go of. (So if you happen to read this blog, I'm sorry and I'm working on it)
I think we are all guilty of this at one time or another in our lives. Things are much more noticeable to me now though. One of the hardest instances of this, I still am working on. I'm always early. ALWAYS When people are late, it drives me totally insane. When I first moved back to town, my girlfriend and I met quite a bit for lunch. I was always early, and she was always late. It irritated me at first, but then I figured out a way to make it work. She would say let's meet at 11:30. I knew that really meant 12:00. So, I started leaving the office at around 11:45. I was still early, and she was still late, but we were meeting at the same time. :)
Just be yourself and allow the same for others. We are all different, we are all weird and we all deserve to be respected for that.
For instance, I have a friend that I'll send texts to. Occasionally, they answer quickly and appropriately :) but there have been a few times, no answer. Me, beating head on floor out of frustration, when I should just go on with what I'm doing. Nothing has been life or death, and I would hope that if it was, they would definitely answer quickly. Anyway, I sent an angry text yesterday morning, because I was mad. And as the day wore on, I thought more about it, and realized, I was completely in the wrong. Just because I try and answer every text, and rather quickly, doesn't mean they have to. Just because I text them, they are not obligated to answer. So, I'm going to be working on this issue. I'll add it to my long list of things to let go of. (So if you happen to read this blog, I'm sorry and I'm working on it)
I think we are all guilty of this at one time or another in our lives. Things are much more noticeable to me now though. One of the hardest instances of this, I still am working on. I'm always early. ALWAYS When people are late, it drives me totally insane. When I first moved back to town, my girlfriend and I met quite a bit for lunch. I was always early, and she was always late. It irritated me at first, but then I figured out a way to make it work. She would say let's meet at 11:30. I knew that really meant 12:00. So, I started leaving the office at around 11:45. I was still early, and she was still late, but we were meeting at the same time. :)
Just be yourself and allow the same for others. We are all different, we are all weird and we all deserve to be respected for that.
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