First blog of the New year, and possibly the toughest

I apologize in advance for any rambling and run on sentences.  My brain is filled with thoughts and I need to get them down and out.

I don't remember my goals and aspirations as a little girl.  The only thing I know, is I wanted to be successful, independent and fearless.  As I quickly approach 40, I'm not sure where I am according to those terms.  I guess it depends on how you view it. 

I AM ENOUGH.  That is my new Mantra, and I catch myself saying it quite a bit.  Not to take anything away from anyone who contributes to my happiness, but I AM ENOUGH.

Most of the women who read this will understand what I say next, maybe a few men.  I can't even begin to count the number of times I've been asked "when will you have kids, why aren't you married?".  It starts young too.  Early twenties is usually when the questions begin about your relationships.  "Is he the one, what's wrong with that guy, why aren't you dating?"  It makes you question yourself and wonder, is there something wrong with me?  The answer is "I AM ENOUGH"  I wish I would have known this then.  I bent over backwards for all the wrong men, I changed what I liked to be accepted.  I dated young, old, fat, skinny, bald... anything to not be alone.  I lost myself in the quest to be loved by someone.  I gave up dreams because I was impatient.  I dated assholes who used me, because according to all the questions, I needed someone to make me happy.  I believed the lie that was being sold.  A woman looking and searching for her prince charming.  Someone to sweep me off my feet.  Well, I'm still waiting.  But now I'm waiting because I choose to wait.  Because "I AM ENOUGH"

Children...a whole different level of hurt and pain.  Some people may not know this about me, and they may be shocked and it make them not like me anymore, but I have to be honest about who I am.  My heart was not always as strong as it is now.  Nor was I a good person.  No wait, I've always been a good person, but my moral compass was a little fucked up.  I chose sex, drugs and everything over anything else.  I've had an abortion.  The father wanted nothing to do with me and I couldn't handle the thought of being young and broke and a single mother.  I hated my situation and I hated myself.  I had lost control and I just couldn't do it.  I know there will be some people who say "karma is a bitch" or "I got what I deserved".  Usually those people don't know the whole back story.  I was a broken woman with a girl's mind.  I've had numerous miscarriages, one ruptured ectopic pregnancy.  Two rounds of IVF over the past two years, resulted in one pregnancy that ended at 8 weeks and one that didn't work.  I don't need to hear the whispers of those people who say "I got what I deserved", I hear that voice in my head regularly.  It's the voice that keeps me awake at night.  I'm crying as I type this, because I have to let it all go.  I have to move beyond that hurt girl who hated herself.  I love myself, even with all the hurt and pain I brought upon myself, I love the woman I am today.  I AM ENOUGH

My quest for children is done.  No more needles in the belly, no more "what ifs"  I'm emotionally done with the fight and the unknown.  I always knew that the day would come, where I would have to make the decision of whether to try again or give up.  My body is done.  I know in my heart of hearts, that it's over.  It's time to start a new chapter in my life. 

QUIT ASKING IF I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT ADOPTION!  I know that most people mean well, but shit do you not think I haven't looked into every option.  Having someone ask that question is rude.  It really is.  Also, for the people who say, "well, you could have had a child with disabilities, so maybe it's for the best"  GO FUCK YOURSELVES.  Seriously, I don't know what is wrong with people.  Think before you speak.

I'm writing this blog, so I don't have to tell each and every person individually that I'm done trying.  I want to as painlessly as possible, move onto the next chapter.  I'm not sure what that is.  Honestly, I'm just taking it day by day.  Most days, I'm happy.  I have fleeting moments of sadness and I suspect, that will always be the case.  On one of my trips to Ireland, when I took the train, I met an older woman with a daughter in a similar situation as mine.  Her daughter was 43, single and no children.  She told me that her daughter had come to terms with the fact that she would not have children as the birthdays came.  That each birthday brought some relief, because her body biologically was moving past the point of being able to have a child.  I know my fertility issues are further along than my actual age.  Knowing this helps me a little.  As 40 quickly approaches I know my chances are dropping, so I'm going to quit fighting the aging process, and accept where I am today.

So where is that, you ask?  I'm an Independent, Successful and Fearless Woman.  I AM ENOUGH

Back to the grind

The devil hormones have subsided!  Thank goodness.  It's honestly one of the worst parts of the IVF process.  For me anyway.  I walked around crying and moody.  On Sunday, I started feeling a little better, like the fog was lifting.  Now here it's Thursday and I feel great.  Been to the gym the past few days, the fridge has been cleaned out and restocked with things that are not chocolate :)

I'm really feeling good.  Sure, I'm a little bummed, but life is what it is.  All of these things that I've gone through are part of me.  Good and bad they add up to the sum of me.  I love me.  I love my life for what it is.  Yes, I want some different things (children, a man, a million dollars) but I'm also very comfortable with what I have and who I am. 

Thank you friends for reaching out.  And also thank you to those who kept their distance.  I'm blessed beyond measure. 

Let's finish out this year with a bang and see what the New Year holds.  The big 40 happens in January and I think it's going to be my best year yet.

A few pictures of my journey.

I

Somedays it's hard to believe I've actually done all the things I have. When you make a decision to try IVF, time stands still and then it's over. I look back and wonder how I stabbed a needle into my belly 42 times in 11 days. The following pictures are what your belly turns into. 

I was lucky that there weren't as many bruises this time, but there were still a few. It literally starts swelling and you just try not to stab yourself in the same spot. 

I always try to wear something crazy and fun. When you are faced with uncertainty I think laughter is the way you face life. 

Yes, the shirt says "let's make babies". I will wear it for round 3. 

Until next time... Thank you everyone for the texts, the phone calls. They really do make me smile. 

A bust.

BFN... Dreaded words. Big fucking negative. Weeks of daily shots, my stomach is swollen, the PIO (progesterone in oil) makes your body think it's pregnant. Your boobs swell, your emotions go crazy. It's a kick in the teeth really. So now that I don't have to take the PIO, it will take a few days and then my period will come, but not just any old period, but one that is the slap in the face reminder that you aren't pregnant. I'm already cramping and I see a lot of chocolate in my future. 

10dp3dt

Catching up over the past 4 or 5 days.

7dp3dt (7 days past 3 day transfer) No symptoms and BFN (Big Fucking Negative) on the pregnancy test.  Still early because it is only 10 days past ovulation.  Not feeling as optimistic

8dp3dt.  No symptoms and another BFN on the pregnancy test.  Last time when I was pregnant, my test was showing positive at this point.

9dp3dt.  No symptoms and BFN on the test.  Optimism is fading quickly

And today, Monday morning, a BFN on the pregnancy test.  10dp3dt, which is 10 days past transfer and 13 days past ovulation.  I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant.  Humans only have a certain window in which the embryo will implant in the uterus and start secreting HCG, the pregnancy hormone.  I go in on Wednesday for my Blood test, which I fear will only confirm that this try failed.

I'm absolutely gutted, heartbroken and every other word imaginable for being in pain.  Knowing the odds are stacked against me really didn't change the hope and want.  I honestly thought this would be the time.  All that said, I'm a realist, and I'm not shocked it didn't work.  To be completely honest, I've come to expect all the sadness and heartbreak that comes with being me.  Not many things have ever really gone in my favor.  You can look at my love life as a prime example.  Yes, there are many things that I'm successful at, just not the things that I long for.

So, I'm going to need a little time, and then I'll come back stronger and try to figure out what my next step is.  I may give it one more shot.  At this point, the money doesn't matter.  I'll take out a loan to try again.  And please, don't ask if I've thought about adoption.

6dp3dt

I POAS (peed on a stick)   why???  It's so early, and it is just torture.  Anyway, BFN (Big Freaking Negative).  Last time, there was a faint line, so I thought maybe just maybe.  But I wasn't sad when I saw no pregnancy.  I know it's early, and I should have just waited.  :)  Today is only 6dp3dt (6 days past 3 day transfer) and it is 9dpO (9 days past Ovulation).  Super duper early to test.

I'm really trying to not devour all the information on the internet, but honestly it helps calm me.  Through this process for the second time, I'm reminded of just how blessed I am.  Even if I don't become a mother, I have such a full and happy life.  Yes, I want to be a mother and pass along my crazy wisdom, but if it doesn't happen, I will adjust my sails and continue to live.  I will laugh again and often.

5dp3dt

One week until my Beta.  I'm going slightly crazy.  I'm super emotional, but that is definitely the PIO (progesterone in oil)  Let me tell you about this shot.  It is thick and goes in a little slow.  1 1/2 needle stuck into the thick of my backside, closer to the hip.  If you ever need shots, you need my friend Erin.  Honestly, she is a godsend.  Not only is she super positive, she just makes you smile.  When she gets off work, she either comes to my house or on her off days I go out and see her and her peeps (Stacy and Saxon).  We are one week in, of what hopefully turns into 7 more weeks.  But I must tell you, you have to keep a close eye on her.  She stabbed me with the big needle.  The 18gauge and not 22gauge.  Felt that one a little bit.

I'm trying to stay busy, but it's hard when I can't really do anything physical.  I want to go work out so bad.  Fingers crossed I see a positive pregnancy test, the blood test comes back positive and I'm cleared to work out again.