Negative again

Pregnancy test revealed negative again.  To be honest, I kind of expected it.  I'm not trying to be down or discouraged, but that feeling has just been with me this time.  We were unable to do the ultrasound, because my body responded differently.  That left me feeling unsure and not as confident as I had last time.  I'm craving chocolate ( sure sign that AF is on her way).  I'm emotional in a weird way.  I'd really like to disappear for at least a week.  No phone, no contact with anyone.  You know, a mini meltdown.  Alas, work and other responsibilities, not to mention the next round of meds that will probably start the latter part of next week.  I'll be honest, I'm not looking forward to the meds.  There are lots of women, who have gone through so much worse, and I feel bad even complaining about what I'm going through.  I'm just tired of feeling like everything is just out of my grasp.  I'm tired of feeling the way I do.  I'm trying to stay optimistic, but it is getting harder.  I'm thankful for everyone's support and well wishes, but even that is starting to hurt.  It's just a reminder, that I'm not there yet.  :)  I'm not saying stop, just wanting to complain, and Willie told me he was tired of hearing me bitch.  Damn dog!! 

Time, what is time?

ARGH!  Time is literally going backwards for me.  Waiting for two weeks should be an easy thing, no?  I'm not myself lately.  Had a fender bender day before yesterday, where I rear ended a lady.  Then this morning, I almost hit a car backing out of my driveway.  For anyone that knows me, this is very out of character.  Wednesday was my first wreck, with another car.  I'm a very good driver, who is aware of what everyone is doing.  The hormones are really doing a number on me.  Yesterday, I delivered some cookies to a flower shop, then took a look around.  They had a section with baby clothes, and I started crying.  Just looking at them and wondering if I will ever hold my own child.  The feeling was so powerful and overwhelming.  Had to leave quickly, and pull it together.  Staying positive is hard some days.  I put on a happy front, but inside I'm in turmoil.  For everyone else, it's easy to say "don't worry", or "it will happen".  Trying to not have any stress, seems to cause stress.  :) 

Only 12 more days till I should know if I'm pregnant or not.  Please oh please let me be pregnant!!

The best laid plans. :)

So, the new baby daddy will be here tomorrow, but I won't be using him.  My body kicked into to doing things naturally and I had my LH surge on Friday night at 9:30.  Had to page the doctor and be up there early Saturday morning for insemination.  It was crazy.  Last month my body did not react this way.  I had to give myself the shot in order to ovulate.  Nope not this month.  Just insemination.  So, I have no idea how my body responded to the Clomid this time.  Last month, I had four follicles, this month we are working blind.  :)  fingers crossed.

I love making plans and finding out, there is something else for me.  It always makes me laugh, and knocks me down a peg or two.  Reminds me who's really in charge.

So, 2ww in full effect. 

New baby daddy :)

I'm really excited about the new possibility.  The first donor I picked is very smart and  healthy, but he was not my first pick.  One of my first picks was unavailable when I needed to get the sperm, now he is.  Just bought and my babies are on their way, to my doctor.  They will arrive in time for my next insemination.  He is also smart.  He has his Master's in Music.  He is tall with wavy brown hair and hazel eyes.  He is an Artist and he loves science.  A good mix!

I'm coming to the end of this down time.  So ready to be on the 2ww ( two week wait).  As slow as time goes during this time, at least I know there is a chance to be pregnant.  Right now, I'm just full of estrogen.  Which is basically like being full of piss and vinegar.  :)

Thank you everyone for the kind words.  I read them, and they do lift me up so much.  I might get down from time to time, and wallow in self pity, but knowing that I have friends, helps.  Makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.  Until of course, my emotions go all crazy, and I think to myself, how alone I am.  :)  See, piss and vinegar!  Told you!! laughing

Estrogen overload!

Day 3 of Clomid, and I feel all these emotions. It's been different than last time. I've pretty much avoided people. Went out last night for a few drinks and had some laughs, so it hasn't all been bad. But, I definitely have tried to keep to myself and not think about anything. The crying comes so quick and unexpected. It takes me by surprise. I'm not a big crier, so it can be uncomfortable. I'm trying to stay present and deal with it. It's during these times, that I feel so alone. This process is very isolating. It's about the only thing on my mind, and that limits the interaction I want to have with people. I don't want to be a burden with my fears. I feel like an outsider to life right now. I am a prisoner to this process, and in a way my life is on hold, as I pursue having my own slice of the future.

That witch AF showed her ugly face!

So, AF (Aunt Flow) is coming into town.  In a way, I'm relieved.  Being late by 4 days and having a negative pregnancy test, had me worried.  At least now, I can move on to TTC (Trying to Conceive) part 2.  Not sure if knowing how the drugs affected me the first time, has me a little more apprehensive.  Definitely not looking forward to the emotional roller coaster, I'm about to endure.  At least the first time, it was filled with nothing but hope, that it would work.  Now, going into this next phase, I have the realization, that indeed it didn't work.  I'm still ever hopeful and optimistic about my chances, but I'd be lying, if I didn't admit my emotional state is a bit more fragile. 

So, look for more emotionally charged posts, coming in the next week.  :)

What's going on?

Day 16 post IUI and I'm still in limbo. Pregnancy test still reads negative and I'm 3 days late. It's maddening to not know what my body is up to. I've read and studied up on the effects of Clomid on your body. In some people it causes a late ovulation. I took the HCG shot, which is supposed to ensure ovulation, but I'm starting to question it. The past 4 days have been filled with anxiety. Add on cramps, being tired and irritability. I've tried to catch up on sleep, but it has been fleeting.

I just want to know what is going on with my body. I'll call the doctor first thing in the morning, and hopefully get some answers. I'm worried about about having another ectopic pregnancy. I only have one Fallopian tube left, and can't afford anything to happen to it.