Long week!

Day four of the Clomid.  Almost through this week.  Woke up this morning and stepped outside, was met with the most wonderful cool breeze.  How refreshing it was to feel some coolness to the morning.  I sure hope it is like that, for my 2.5 mile run in the morning.  I felt a little hope swell up inside.

I haven't been taking care of myself the past couple of months.  Started eating horrible.  Not just once a day, but several times and most days of the week.  Didn't cook for myself for at least a couple of weeks.  Not a good thing at all.  Yesterday, I went to Yoga for the first time in a long time, and was reminded to treat myself with love and understanding.  I've been so angry about my failed attempts at getting pregnant, that I was literally shoving food down my throat.  My reasoning, is what does it matter?  I started drinking a little more, not much but maybe once a week.  With that though, I also gave in to my old habit of smoking.  How freaking insane am I?  Now, I'm not smoking, just had a few lapses in judgement.  I'm not that girl anymore.  I want to be healthy and beautiful and free from the old demons.  It didn't help that I had hurt myself running.  Between all the medication headaches and hot flashes, working out just became something I used to do.  That has to stop.  Even if it's only a light workout, I need it to feel normal.  I miss the way I feel, after getting all sweaty and pushing myself to my limit.  Holding a yoga pose and feeling the energy move through my body.  Running with a steady cadence and not feeling like I want to puke.

I hope everyone remembers to love yourself.  You are worth it!

And the cycle begins again.

Clomid begins tomorrow!!!! YAY   Where in the hell is the sarcasm font when you really need it?  Looks like we are going for IUI number 4.  While I'm up there next week, for some poking and prodding, we will schedule a consultation to discuss options, if this one doesn't take.

I'm tired.  Everything in my life right now, revolves around drugs, shots, ultrasounds... I'm trying to train for the Spirit of Survival, and the heat plus the drugs, is not working out too well.  Thinking I need to just suck it up and run, but it's tough.  Everything seems tougher right now.  I know it's a build up of the drugs and my stupid hormones added with the negative pregnancy tests.  I'm really tired of being unhappy.  Everyone who knows me, knows I love to laugh and have fun, and it doesn't seem to be going on right now.  Life is passing me by because I just don't want to participate right now.  I just want to stay locked up inside, where the issues don't seem as bad.  No conversations about babies, or lack of babies I should say.

I'll try and get out some uplifting blogs soon, PROMISE!!  Maybe the Clomid this time, will make me unusually happy, instead of bitchy.  What?  It could happen!!

Negative results part 3

Well, here we go again.  Negative on the pregnancy test.  Not going to lie and tell you how great I feel or how everything is peachy.  It's not.  I'm sad, angry, disappointed and every other negative feeling you can come up with.  I feel fat, tired and beat up.  Sleep has been severely lacking this week.  I'm emotional to the point of laughing instead of crying.  This heat makes me want to move to the North Pole. 

I'm not sure what the next step will be.  Waiting on that bitch AF to show up, so I can call the doctor and see what he wants me to do.  Whatever his suggestion, is what I will do.  So it may be another IUI cycle with injectables, or he may say IVF. 

Hoping that this next step will put me in a better place.  I just feel I'm reaching a point of breaking.  Hopefully good news is on the horizon.

You only get one chance at life.

Anger is not an attractive trait.  I was ugly for a lot of years.  I blamed everyone else for my problems, or my lack of happiness.  I drank too much, smoked too much, stayed out late too much.  I chased after a life that I was incapable of actually living.  I definitely tried to control everything. 

Life is a learning process, and hopefully you catch on fast.  Because you see, there are no do overs.  Age has taught me to let things go and to go with the flow.  Sure, there are still days where I'm very ugly, but other days, I feel as free as a bird.

I'm hurting today for so many hurts that I caused unknowingly, to those I love the most.  Maybe there should have been more "Sorrys" said by me.  More heartfelt, I don't know.  But it's the past and it's time to move on.  You can't continue to carry the burden of yesterday, with the weight of your life today. 

2WW from hell :)

Ok, so maybe it's not that bad.  Or, some days it is.  I've never known time to go so slowly.  It literally creeps backwards at times.  I've cried more this week, over stupid things too.  I'm getting good at turning the radio station really quickly.  Just the note of a song, can set me off.

So, I'm mentally preparing for the worst, while of course hoping for the best.  I've started researching IVF, trying to prepare for the next stage.  If this IUI doesn't work, I'll speak with my doctor and do what he suggests, but at this point, I'm ready.  The shots, I can handle.  The drugs effects on my body, not as worried, now that I've read up on what they are.  Of course there is always going to be some risk, but I'm willing.

I've been trying to find a support group for single women, going through what I am.  It is definitely getting harder to be around people.  Not that I don't like them, but I find myself, looking at what they have and really feeling inadequate or a slight tinge of jealousy.  Seeing baby pictures and hearing about what all the babies are doing, is starting to put little daggers in my heart.  Don't get me wrong, I love how wonderful all the babies are and how well they are doing, I'm just not in the mood to hear about it.  :)  I will say, I miss all my girlfriends, and how easy the conversations used to be.  Miss the laughter and carefree moments.

I was in Wal Mart, stocking up on healthy eats yesterday, and got teary eyed when I walked past the baby stuff.  HORMONES are the devil!!  So, if you happen to see me out and about, with a spaced out look and tears in my eyes, please feel free to help a sister out.

Sure, he can watch!

So funny things always seem to happen to me.  It wouldn't be funny if it happened to people with no sense of humor, but I realize shit happens, and sometimes it just makes me laugh.

Yesterday was my third insemination.  I arrived early with a full bladder.  They take me back to get prepared.  My normal nurse is not working my case, but she says hello.  The new nurse, who seems a little spacey, but super nice leads me to my room.  When she knocks to come back in, she asks if she can bring in a medical student to watch my procedure.  "Sure, no problem, bring them all in".  So in they come, along with my normal nurse.  Apparently my doctor is on vacation and this nurse is going to be doing the deed.  As I lay back, she is fumbling with the Speculum and she says, "I really don't like these things".  At this point, I already know it's not going to be smooth.  She proceeds to jam this thing into my lower region.  It's not a smooth process, and she takes a lot of skin with her.  She proclaims, " are you ok?"  "I'm so sorry.".  Does Dr. Hansen normally have this much difficulty?".  "No, I tell her, just you".  She then decides after several more unsuccessful jabs, that maybe she needs the smaller speculum.  She has to leave the room.  So I lay there, legs spread with, about a 19 year old guy, staring at my lady parts.  She returns with the smaller device and this one is much better.  After a few minutes of moving this thing around, she says "oh, your cervix is hiding from me".  Now, I didn't know that my cervix likes to play hide and seek, but yesterday, it was all about some fun.  I can tell she is nervous.  At least she tells the student to go get the PA.  So, she keeps this speculum in me, as we wait.  The PA walks in, takes it out, readjusts goes straight in, locks it in place and gets me inseminated in less than 3 minutes.  I love an experienced woman!   Thank goodness this is over! 

But this situation took me back several several years ago, to a yearly exam in Dallas.  That's why I find it funny, stuff happens to me all the time.  She gets me on the table, legs spread and speculum in place, only to realize that she doesn't have all the other supplies she needs.  She says "wait just one second, I'll be right back".  No problem I think.  After a few minutes, the door opens and I look over to see, a horrified gentlemen, who has opened the door to the wrong room!  He turns beet red and apologizes, I laugh and say no problem!  Sure, he can watch too, let them all in!!

Sure, I could have got mad, but what good would that serve me.  It's really not that big of a deal.  Shit happens people.  Learn to go with it, laugh with it!  It's so much more fun that way.

Shot....part 2 Hopefully by saying shot, I only have to stick it once!

I'm going to try something  new tonight, and do a couple of video blogs.  A video here about an hour before the shot.  Then, I'll video me giving myself a shot.  Hopefully I'm not as shaky as the first time!

Of course after watching the above video, I want to shoot and retake! :)  I tend to look away apparently when nervous or unsure of what I'm about to say.  I'll work on that for future reference.  And there was something in my eye!!! :)

I'm not watching the second video!  Now my hands are shaking!  The hard part is over!!