Wednesday, May 09, 2012
Monday, May 07, 2012
Feeling Overwhelmed~
I'm not good at making decisions. Some things are easier than others, I'll admit. For years and years, it was thought that I was laid back and go with the flow. NOPE Starting to see a little bit of control issues :) If I like a certain food item at a restaurant, it is pretty hard to get me to order anything different. Shampoo, soap, etc, I tend to buy the same stuff year after year. I know what I like, so I don't stray.
Now I'm faced with, what seems to be an impossible decision. I know, it's just the first of many, once I'm successful in conceiving. I've looked at so many sperm donors, they are starting to look alike. Near tears, several times today, because, this is never a decision I wanted to make. For a long time I believed in the fairy tale, and thought my prince charming would arrive. He would be here to help me make these kinds of decisions. I would have a partner, someone to lean on. The thought of doing this alone, scares me to death, but it something that I want so desperately. There is this ache in my heart, for a life that I dream of. Knowing that the decision has to be made, does not make it easier. Instead my anxiety level has risen to a Category 27.
Knowing that this decision, could affect the rest of my life, is well, nothing less than overwhelming. Some day, I'll have to explain my choice to a son or daughter, and the thought of them not agreeing, or feeling let down by my choices, makes me a little scared.
I did narrow down the choices, and ordered 3 sets of adult pictures. Hoping that one catches my eye and talks to my heart. At least 3 hours today was devoted listening to Question and Answer sessions with the donors. There were a few that made me laugh, which is good. My favorite did not have an available adult photo, but he is top of the list, if the other 3 make me rip my eyes out :)
I still believe in the fairy tale, but it is one I must write myself now. It will be a new version, so when others read, they too can believe in happy endings.
Now I'm faced with, what seems to be an impossible decision. I know, it's just the first of many, once I'm successful in conceiving. I've looked at so many sperm donors, they are starting to look alike. Near tears, several times today, because, this is never a decision I wanted to make. For a long time I believed in the fairy tale, and thought my prince charming would arrive. He would be here to help me make these kinds of decisions. I would have a partner, someone to lean on. The thought of doing this alone, scares me to death, but it something that I want so desperately. There is this ache in my heart, for a life that I dream of. Knowing that the decision has to be made, does not make it easier. Instead my anxiety level has risen to a Category 27.
Knowing that this decision, could affect the rest of my life, is well, nothing less than overwhelming. Some day, I'll have to explain my choice to a son or daughter, and the thought of them not agreeing, or feeling let down by my choices, makes me a little scared.
I did narrow down the choices, and ordered 3 sets of adult pictures. Hoping that one catches my eye and talks to my heart. At least 3 hours today was devoted listening to Question and Answer sessions with the donors. There were a few that made me laugh, which is good. My favorite did not have an available adult photo, but he is top of the list, if the other 3 make me rip my eyes out :)
I still believe in the fairy tale, but it is one I must write myself now. It will be a new version, so when others read, they too can believe in happy endings.
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