A few pictures of my journey.

I

Somedays it's hard to believe I've actually done all the things I have. When you make a decision to try IVF, time stands still and then it's over. I look back and wonder how I stabbed a needle into my belly 42 times in 11 days. The following pictures are what your belly turns into. 

I was lucky that there weren't as many bruises this time, but there were still a few. It literally starts swelling and you just try not to stab yourself in the same spot. 

I always try to wear something crazy and fun. When you are faced with uncertainty I think laughter is the way you face life. 

Yes, the shirt says "let's make babies". I will wear it for round 3. 

Until next time... Thank you everyone for the texts, the phone calls. They really do make me smile. 

A bust.

BFN... Dreaded words. Big fucking negative. Weeks of daily shots, my stomach is swollen, the PIO (progesterone in oil) makes your body think it's pregnant. Your boobs swell, your emotions go crazy. It's a kick in the teeth really. So now that I don't have to take the PIO, it will take a few days and then my period will come, but not just any old period, but one that is the slap in the face reminder that you aren't pregnant. I'm already cramping and I see a lot of chocolate in my future. 

10dp3dt

Catching up over the past 4 or 5 days.

7dp3dt (7 days past 3 day transfer) No symptoms and BFN (Big Fucking Negative) on the pregnancy test.  Still early because it is only 10 days past ovulation.  Not feeling as optimistic

8dp3dt.  No symptoms and another BFN on the pregnancy test.  Last time when I was pregnant, my test was showing positive at this point.

9dp3dt.  No symptoms and BFN on the test.  Optimism is fading quickly

And today, Monday morning, a BFN on the pregnancy test.  10dp3dt, which is 10 days past transfer and 13 days past ovulation.  I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant.  Humans only have a certain window in which the embryo will implant in the uterus and start secreting HCG, the pregnancy hormone.  I go in on Wednesday for my Blood test, which I fear will only confirm that this try failed.

I'm absolutely gutted, heartbroken and every other word imaginable for being in pain.  Knowing the odds are stacked against me really didn't change the hope and want.  I honestly thought this would be the time.  All that said, I'm a realist, and I'm not shocked it didn't work.  To be completely honest, I've come to expect all the sadness and heartbreak that comes with being me.  Not many things have ever really gone in my favor.  You can look at my love life as a prime example.  Yes, there are many things that I'm successful at, just not the things that I long for.

So, I'm going to need a little time, and then I'll come back stronger and try to figure out what my next step is.  I may give it one more shot.  At this point, the money doesn't matter.  I'll take out a loan to try again.  And please, don't ask if I've thought about adoption.

6dp3dt

I POAS (peed on a stick)   why???  It's so early, and it is just torture.  Anyway, BFN (Big Freaking Negative).  Last time, there was a faint line, so I thought maybe just maybe.  But I wasn't sad when I saw no pregnancy.  I know it's early, and I should have just waited.  :)  Today is only 6dp3dt (6 days past 3 day transfer) and it is 9dpO (9 days past Ovulation).  Super duper early to test.

I'm really trying to not devour all the information on the internet, but honestly it helps calm me.  Through this process for the second time, I'm reminded of just how blessed I am.  Even if I don't become a mother, I have such a full and happy life.  Yes, I want to be a mother and pass along my crazy wisdom, but if it doesn't happen, I will adjust my sails and continue to live.  I will laugh again and often.

5dp3dt

One week until my Beta.  I'm going slightly crazy.  I'm super emotional, but that is definitely the PIO (progesterone in oil)  Let me tell you about this shot.  It is thick and goes in a little slow.  1 1/2 needle stuck into the thick of my backside, closer to the hip.  If you ever need shots, you need my friend Erin.  Honestly, she is a godsend.  Not only is she super positive, she just makes you smile.  When she gets off work, she either comes to my house or on her off days I go out and see her and her peeps (Stacy and Saxon).  We are one week in, of what hopefully turns into 7 more weeks.  But I must tell you, you have to keep a close eye on her.  She stabbed me with the big needle.  The 18gauge and not 22gauge.  Felt that one a little bit.

I'm trying to stay busy, but it's hard when I can't really do anything physical.  I want to go work out so bad.  Fingers crossed I see a positive pregnancy test, the blood test comes back positive and I'm cleared to work out again. 

A few pictures

The machine I get to know very well. 

Big Box of fun. 

$3000 dollars worth of meds. 

3dp3dt

3 days past the three day transfer. 72 hours.  One or more of those embryo could be hatching out and burrowing deep in the lining of my uterus. :)

I'm trying to laugh and stay positive. Nothing I can do at this point to change the outcome. I've done all I can in this journey to become a mother. I've been asked again if I have ever considered adoption. No offense, but I'm still working on biological children. If this doesn't work and I finally decide that I won't ever give birth, then I might entertain the thought. But it's not easy for a single woman to adopt. It's harder actually and a long process. Not to mention the money. Without getting into specifics, I've spent a nice chunk of change. I might take time to save and travel if this doesn't work. I don't honestly know what I'll do. Taking it one day at a time. 

3 embryo transfer

Holding a picture of my future babies :)

Bottom right is a 7 cell grade B, top right is a 12 cell grade B-, and the left is a 10 cell grade B. These beautiful embryos were transferred today. Now the dreaded 2ww (two week wait) begins. 

Day 2 eggs

Got the call yesterday afternoon.  The eggs are doing well.  Two 5 cell grade B, one 8 cell grade B and one 3 cell grade B-.  The 3 cell will probably not make it to transfer, and the 8 cell may burn out too fast also.  Still, the two 5 cell are looking good.

This go around has been much harder on my body.  I've been swollen to the point of not being able to walk.  Woke up today feeling a little more normal.

I'm about to leave for the City for my transfer.  They will tell me what the final grade on my eggs are.  Can't wait to see the picture of my potential baby(ies)  :)

5 good eggs

Got the call this morning at 8:30am.  I can't remember what she said but it was either "5 mature eggs and 4 fertilized" or it was "5 eggs, 4 mature and 4 fertilized".  Either way, I have 4 potential babies up there.  Last IVF only 3 eggs fertilized.  Now I just wait to hear how they are doing tomorrow.  I'm excited and nervous.  :)

Surgery day

4:00 am wake up call. Tara came and picked me up and off to the city we headed.

Notice the shirt...this was right before I was stabbed over and over trying to find a good vein. Not being allowed to drink water did not help the situation. :)

This picture is of the first jab. 

The one great thing about surgery is drugs. Propofol and versed. Those two together are amazing. I just wish I could lay there all day and keep getting dosed. Woke up feeling rested. 

5 eggs retrieved. Now the wait to hear if the eggs were mature and if they fertilized. I'm very excited and optimistic. 

Last day of shots

Last day of shots!!! Wahoo

Tonight I will give myself a double dose of menopur, the last drops of the follistim, Lupron and then I will do the HCG trigger at 8 pm. Tuesday morning at 7:00 they will retrieve the eggs. 

At this point I have five follicles. The sizes are 25,23,15,15 and a 14.  Fingers crossed the two large ones chill for the next 36 hours and they are able to harvest a just perfect egg from each one. We don't want hardboiled. 

Tomorrow I'll do payroll and end of month paperwork. I'll also try to get everything done so I can coast through the next 15 days. I haven't even bought a pregnancy test. Not going to test like I did last time. I'm trying to take a much more relaxed attitude. So far so good :) talk to me in a few days though. 

Almost done with stims

So it's been a long week. I started all the meds last Saturday. 4 shots a day, 1 in the morning and 3 at night. Lupron, Follistim and Menopur. On Wednesday I went in for first ultrasound. A few follicles had jumped out very quickly with a few small ones. Not good, so I was scheduled for a thursday ultrasound and more blood work. Returned Thursday and everything was still growing, but not as many follicles as my first cycle. Back on Friday, two large ones and two medium and one small. This morning, two large, two bigger medium and a small one very close to being ready. So, scheduled again for the morning and hopefully we can trigger and fingers crossed for 5 good perfect eggs. Emotionally I'm holding up ok. Physically, I've been better. I'm swollen, bruised and very tired. Waking up at 4:30 am is starting to make me crazy. I've had a headache every day and I stay queasy. I'm pretty hot-natured anyway, but all the hormones make me feel like I'm going through menopause. It will all be worth it in the end.....hopefully!

Day 2

Started the shots of Lupron yesterday.  10 amp morning and night.  The first shot wasn't so bad, but the second and third have been a doozy.  First off, I have a moderate amount of belly fat, which comes in quite handy for shots.  I managed to find and stab myself in a vein.  It hurts and then it bleeds and now I have a bruise.    :(              So then of course this morning I was nervous and stabbed myself without actually going all the way in.  So I had to stop, breathe and try again.  3 shots down 39 more stabs to go.

I've been off of Xanax now for 4 days.  Sleep is not easy nor is it continuous.  Emotionally I'm pretty sound.  Focused maybe is a better word.  Once I start the stims tomorrow, things could change.

I'm taking pictures, and at the end of this I'll just post one blog with all of them.

One week

I can't believe it's about to begin again.  So crazy how fast time goes.  The drugs are ready and will be shipped on Tuesday.  Monday morning is my baseline US (ultrasound), blood work and of course a urine sample.  I've been on birth control for almost 3 weeks, so the ovaries should be nice and sleepy.  I've been trying to get in the gym as much as possible.  Today was a much needed rest day.  I've been squatting like crazy and will attempt a PR next week.  I'll be able to work out again, but will have to wait for my ovaries to get smaller after the stims.

I'm really excited and optimistic.  I already know the bad side of IVF, maybe this time, I'll see the good side.

Can't wait to let everyone in on the secret, and man I hope when I post these blogs the outcome is in my favor.  Either way, the journey is what it is.  It's the story of my life and I hope to one day tell this story to my children.

Mammogram

Had my mammogram on the 1st of October.  Not only is it the time of year for me, but especially with the upcoming IVF, scheduled to begin on October 16th.  On the 3rd they called and said I needed to come back for an ultrasound.  My left breast was showing some changes.  We aren't too worried because I have started birth control, and hormones do strange things to your body.  I went this morning and had my US.  I'm a little nervous.  I'm staring at my phone willing them to call me with the results.  Patience Patience

I'm ten days out from the beginning of the drug protocol.  I've started reading up on IVF again.  Trying to read all the positive stories and keep myself calm.  It is a very weird experience to be truly doing this on my own.  Last time, I talked to a million people and posted a blog quite often.  People sent me messages and kept up with the process.  I'm much calmer this go around.  I know what to expect in a sense.  Hopefully my body responds to the medications the same way.  I had very few side effects last time and hope that stays the same.  My belly will swell and turn all different colors of the rainbow, there is no way around that.  Having more active follicles this time makes me a little nervous.  It would seem there might be more swelling and the possibility of over stimulation.

I've also started a cleaning binge.  Pre-nesting I suppose.  I'm preparing for this to work!!

Two weeks out.

So I'm writing a secret blog.  If you are reading this, then it is no longer secret.  I decided a few months back, that I wanted to try for a baby again.  Can you believe it?  Opened the mailbox one day to find a bill for sperm storage.  How did I forget I had sperm?  Anyway, that got my brain all fired up.  Over the following weeks, my mind kept going back and forth.  One day I was driving down the road when the most overwhelming feeling I've ever experienced came upon me.  I pulled over and called the doctor immediately.  It set the wheels in motion and I've been doing all the prep work since.  First it was blood work to determine my AMH number, which is the anti-mullerian hormone level. AMH blood levels are thought to reflect the size of the remaining egg supply.  Two years ago it was a .2, which was devastating news.  This time it was a .67, still low but I'll take it.  They also checked my FSH level, which was a 7.9.  Anything below a 9 is considered normal.  So we started with good news.

I have told basically no one.  There are only a few select people.  I want to keep this experience all to myself.  I apologize in advance to any family who may feel slighted.  I'm only trying to spare myself the extra stress knowing how much you want this for me too.

So yesterday October 1st, was my mock transfer.  Let's just say I was poked and jabbed for the better part of an hour.  Still in a little pain today, but it will all be worth it.  Not only are my blood work numbers up, but my antral follicle count is up as well.  If you remember from 2 years ago, the first doctor only counted 4 or 5 follicles total.  Then my present doctor counted 8 follicles just a month later.  Yesterday he counted 7-8 follicles on just one ovary.  The other ovary had 3 or 4.  This is 12 follicles before I've even started the stimulating meds.  To say I'm over the moon excited would be an understatement.  I'm trying not to get too far ahead, because every follicle doesn't necessarily produce an egg, but having a better shot at producing more than 6 eggs is just damn fucking fantastic.  < yes, I feel my use of the word is warranted.

So two weeks from today I will start with the shots in my stomach.  My doctor has decided to use the same drug protocol.  He said my body responded so well last time we should stick with what works.

I won't have to stop working out until 4 or 5 days into the meds, but I am going to miss my gym until I can get back.  I apologize now in advance to all of BDCF family.  You see, I will be faking an injury so no one knows what I am up to.  I love you guys and can't wait to be in there with my pregnant belly lifting weights again.  (that's the hope anyway)

Never say never.  Never give up.  You are always allowed to change your mind.  Go after what you want.  Make no apologies.