Fake people.

Oh this is completely a rant.  Yes, a rant, I won't name names, but I am directing this at one particular person.  If this isn't you, and for most of you reading this, there will be no chance, that you will think it's about you. But if you are offended, I apologize in advance.

Get of your fucking high horse.  You think you are better than everyone else.  You sure put on a good show for all your friends, but I've known you a long long time.  You can dress yourself up, and act all high and mighty, but you are a peasant, just like the rest of us.  Keeping up appearances, for the sake of what?  I used to try to keep being civil, but that is hanging on by the last little thread.  Through the years, I've taken enough of your shit, and listened to you talk about every single person.  It's always about you.  It's always been about you.  You've created so much drama.  Well, I'm done with it.  I'm done with you and all your bullshit.  I've reached a point, where I'm drawing the line.  NO MORE

So while you pretend to be someone, you should know, I sit and laugh a little.  Because, I know you. 


Ok, end rant.  See, even I have bad days.  I'm not perfect like all of you thought.  :)  Like I have said, I'm trying to live a more genuine life.  More honest.  Well, these are my thoughts right at this particular moment.  I try and give you the real me, and that is good and bad.  Hopefully the good outweighs the bad.

Heartbeat.

On the outside, I've always been a confident, outgoing and often times, outspoken gal.  But, that was usually a deflection, of how I truly felt on the inside.  Probably one of the reasons, I was always drinking and trying to be the life of the party.  I never really felt any self worth as a woman.  I thought I was only good for one thing.  Not only by my actions and words, is that the way I was treated, but it also seemed to be that I sought out men, who would only confirm, that this was actually true.  I can actually remember a a guy telling me "I wasn't the marrying kind".  And you know what, I believed him. 

My heart has been battered and bruised, thrown in my face and thrown away.  It has seemed, to stop beating at times, out of shear pain.  I've often wondered how much one person's heart can take, because mine has seen, more than enough bad stuff.  But, it just keeps beating, this steady pace.  It's a strong heart, and I realize, that it only gets stronger with each heartache.  Those tears and breaks, when they heal, they leave a rougher surface, that can withstand so much more.

There have been a few good guys in my life, but I was unable to understand, what they saw in me.  They would have given me the moon, but I didn't feel like I deserved it, so I would end things.  The nicer they were, the meaner I was.  They had to be lying, is what I told myself. 

In a way, it was easier to put up walls.  If I kept my heart shielded, then it wouldn't get hurt.  Well, that plan really backfired.  It was a stupid stupid plan.  You can never truly keep your heart out of anything.  It's the steady reminder, that you are who you are.  It brings along with each beat, all the heartache and joy it has seen.  You are the only person, that can open it to others. 

I honestly wish, I would have realized this a long long long time ago.  But then again, I kind of like the woman I am today.