Feelings.

It's been said that I'm lacking in feelings or emotions more than once by various people.  I'd like to set the record straight, I'm not lacking in them at all.  As a matter of fact, there are times I'm consumed by them.  They sneak up on me, knock me down and try to drag me, to that dark place, where they exist.

I just don't have time for them.  I can't sit around and be led by my feelings of self doubt, anger, guilt, sadness.... the list goes on

That's the crux of being a strong single woman.  There are just some things you don't have time for.  Feelings are it for me.  There are just some things that are too intimate to share with friends or family.  I love to share happiness, joy and success with everyone.  That is an easy thing to do.  But failures are another story.

When I went through my first year of fertility treatments, my family was very supportive.  But I was a 37 year old woman, who went home and in the quiet of the night entertained all my hopes and fears ALONE.  Quietly and without a reassuring voice in my ear, no one to hold me and be my strength.  Every failure was compartmentalized and left to deal with another day.  When I found out I was pregnant, those fears didn't leave, they only grew stronger.  I knew the baby wouldn't make it about a week and half after the positive pregnancy test.  There are just some things a woman knows and this was one of them.  So the first appointment, seeing this tiny baby (really just a blob) with the slowest of heart beats was expected, no less devastating.  I went home and crawled into bed and cried into Sir William's coat. One week later, my baby had grown a bit but the heart still slowly held on. Again, I went home and cried into my dog's fur.  I did not get my hopes up because I knew it wouldn't make it.  11 days after the first ultrasound no heartbeat.  Well of course my doctor was out of town, so no surgery scheduled.  For over a week I had to wake up each day and wonder "would this be the day by body expelled that life"  Hell, every time I went to the bathroom that was my thought.  Surgery was finally scheduled, and that was that.  Every single one of these days, from start to finish, I dealt with the sadness a little at a time.  This kind of heartbreak was so intimate, that a hug from my mommy or daddy, would not make it better.

So yeah, back to the feelings.  I have them people, just like everyone else.  I'll gladly share all the fun ones, and I'm a great sounding board if you are having a bad day.  I'm not a great sounding board though if it's all feelings, all the time.  If I don't have time for my own, I definitely don't have time for yours.  Life long lesson in learning the things we are good at, and the things we aren't so good at.   I guess this little story is to make people think about how everyone is different.  Not worse or better, but different.  The way we process and deal with things make us unique.  It doesn't mean I have to change who I am to be supportive of you, or you for me.  I find what I need, when it's needed, but I also give what I can.  It may not be what you need, but I can only give freely and lovingly what is comfortable for me.  I'm the tough love, suck it up buttercup kind of support.  That doesn't work for everyone and I understand that.  So if I hang back it's out of love for you.  I don't want to add toxic support to someone who needs a soft touch. 

Busy Brain.

I don't think I've ever been this busy.  My brain is hurting from the sheer force of things being absorbed.  It's great and fantastic, but man I could really use a "time-out".

Busy brain becoming befuddled, baffled by bewilderment.

^^^^^^^^^ I'm losing it^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

It's 2:20 pm and I have yet to eat lunch....next stop, hangry.