I'm so tired. That's the only way I know how to explain how I feel. Not physically tired, but mentally exhausted. Physically, I'm kicking ass. Gym time is the one thing that is making me feel somewhat happy.
No one, and I mean no one, can ever understand, what any one person goes through. Yes, they may be in similar situations, or even feel, that they have been where you have been. The truth is, each one of us experiences life in our own way.
I'm tired of being in my own head, talking to myself, about things I can't change. It's funny to realize how different I am, than who I thought I was. Used to be very very social, but it was always on a superficial level. Luckily, I made some good friends through those years, that are still with me today. Today, I could care less if I talk to a lot of folks. I've become very selective, about the types of people, I want to be with. I guess it's more of realizing who I am, and the energy, I want to be surrounded by.
I'm not a very emotional person. Never have been. Just ask my mother :) Only when drinking, do I become more open and somewhat unguarded. Not sure if it's a defense mechanism, or if it's just a part of my DNA. It's the only way I know to be. Don't get me wrong, I cry, and it's an ugly cry at that, but it doesn't happen often. I usually just brush it off and move on. I like laughing way better anyway.
I'm tired of doing it all. The weight of everything gets overwhelming at times. But, there is no one I can turn it over to. Everyone I know, has their own families to take care of. My brothers, my parents, they all have their own shit to deal with. I've been feeling caged in lately, in a way, that I haven't felt in a long time. I'm waking up in the middle of the night again. Not sleeping well, really starts messing with one's mind. I obsess over things, that are out of my control. My house is falling apart, my fence is about to topple over, I don't have a green thumb and my yard looks like hell. It's the little things too, like light bulbs that go out, wanting to change out the faucet on the sink, taking out the trash, rearranging furniture. I've been doing this stuff forever on my own, and I'm just tired of it.
Hopefully, the tired that I'm feeling, leaves soon, so I can be on my way. I've got shit to do! I don't really have time to feel sorry for myself.
