First day of Stims

Just finished stabbing myself in the stomach 3 times.  Sounds like fun, huh?  No, ah come on.  It wasn't that bad.  Actually called my dad and talked to him for two of them.  He was like, "just do it already, 1,2 stick".  So softly supportive, NOT  :)  Thank goodness though.  Sometimes you just need the "man up" pep talk.  Before I called him, was listening to some slow Christian music.  Now, I'm not saying it wasn't good, but I'm already weepy, and it was not making me smile, if you know what I mean.  The two new drugs, burned a little.  Nothing like fire in my belly, but they were definitely a little more.  I'm a little anxious sitting here, waiting for my body to do strange stuff.  It probably won't, and it will have all been in my mind, which is great.

The needles are all small, but it is just a weird thing, to self inject.  The middle, is a really cool contraption, but the first time you use anything, it can be a little daunting.  But I made it.  Yay

Before I mixed my vials and got the shots ready, I made myself a cheese, fruit and cracker tray.  Bought three new cheeses and am really happy.  One of them tastes like caramel.  It pairs well with celery.  And because I was a nervous wreck about the shots, I made my plate with love.

Don't forget to love yourself.

Day 2 of IVF protocol

Well, I'm alive.  :)  I can't believe it's finally here.  It seems like this year has gone by so slowly, with the four failed IUIs, back and forth trips to the City, the up and down roller coaster ride that came with that.  But at the same time, this week seemed to just sneak up on me all the same.  It started on Tuesday, when my box of drugs arrived.  I had been so excited, then I opened the box.  The most overwhelming feeling hit me.  So hard to put into words, the despair that I felt.  It was like I wasn't me anymore.  Those drugs, what were they doing with my name on them.  Why was this happening to me? 

As you can see, the box was filled to the brim.  The point of no return was here.

So, Thanksgiving started the injections.  The needles for this first phase are really small.  They shouldn't hurt, and they don't physically.  It's the mental aspect, that is messing with me.  Every time I stick that needle in my belly, I'm reminded of why I'm going through this.  For everyone that knows me, I'm the most upbeat positive person, but this makes me feel like a failure.  Now, I know I'm not a failure, but it's funny what your mind can do to you.  Being alone in this is difficult.  It is the biggest learning experience.  I'm stronger than what I thought, and at the same time, it makes me long for someone to be strong for me, so I can be weak for just a moment.  I'd like to be able to breathe, and know that everything is going to be ok. 

My normally beautiful cookie display table, now looks like a doctor's office.  I left a few fruits up there, so it's not completely clinical.  :)

I even tried taking a picture from a different angle, and it still looks scary. 

So, day two and tomorrow starts the Stimulation drugs.  One shot in the morning and three shots in the evening.  I'm experiencing a little woozy and a pretty constant headache.  Hoping no more side effects sneak up on me.  I think there will be bloating and some swollen belly issues, that seems to be pretty constant in all the blogs that I've read.  It doesn't have to be that way though, so maybe just maybe, I'll be the exception.  Do you know how hard it is to keep your mind occupied?  I just watched the movie Brave, and cried.  Come on, it's animated.  So, I'm going to watch American Horror Story, maybe that will help.  I'll try to get a blog out each day.  Maybe that will help, by getting my thoughts out there.  I can tell you, I'm scared.  If I'm being honest with myself, and with all of y'all, I'm scared.  Of course I believe that this will work, if I didn't, I would not be going through this.  It's all going to be worth it!!!