I thought I would be more emotional today. Not saying I haven't cried, but I think having 7 months to watch this date approach, has made it much easier.
I'm not a mother. I don't think I'm going to be a mother. I'm ok with that. Truly, I am actually ok with that. It's so hard to explain. I love kids, they are awesome and fantastic and all that jazz. They are also crazy, and whiny, and loud and uncontrollable. :) I wanted one so bad. Was so close, there was a baby in my belly, with a heartbeat and everything. But it didn't happen. I thought at the time, I would jump right back in the game and try again. Instead, I found Crossfit. I found myself
When we are little girls, we dream about our future. We dream of big weddings and having children and life being this great easy thing. Well, it doesn't always work out like that. I am walking proof. :) As women, we are constantly asked about our relationships and when are we having children. As 30 something year old women, we are reminded that we are running out of time. Asked why are you still single? Don't you want to have babies? The answer was always yes, I wanted it all. Now, here I sit, knowing that it isn't going to be like I dreamed. My life is going to be different than everyone else. I'm ok with that in this moment. In this moment, I am happy with myself.
I am now free to be me.
What does that mean? I have no clue. The future is a blank slate. Not having to worry about raising a child, is somewhat liberating. Yes, of course I understand I'm missing out on some of the greatest joys of life. Children are a blessing. I also have the ability to do anything that I want. Anything, without the worry of dragging someone along. I won't mess up someone's life, because of my issues. :) And believe me, we all have issues.
It was said to me by someone, that they wished I would become a mother, so my heart would soften. You didn't wish motherhood on me, because I wanted a child. You wished it out of spite. I will answer you here, because those were some of the most hateful words ever said to me. Just you saying those words, proved that being a mother, does nothing to soften your heart towards anyone, not related to you by blood. Being a mother is not the only thing in the world. When I love, I CHOOSE to love. It is an active choice, that I work at. My heart is soft for all kinds of things, but bitchiness is not one of them.
With that being said, I still have a full life. It is just different than society's norm. I've grown much more comfortable with that, over the past 7 months. Instead of looking at my friends and family, and wishing I had their life, I'm excited and overjoyed, that I have the life I do.
It's my life, the good the bad the ugly. It's the only one I get. It's time to stop thinking about the what ifs from the past, the could be's of the future, and start living each day.
Today was my due date. I should have been a mother. But I'm not and that's ok. I'm ok
