I've been doing pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. The gym has been tough, but I've been tougher. I'm eating more food, and getting leaner and gaining more muscle. I can feel the difference. Mentally, been pretty good, or so I thought. :)
Woke up this morning and I was pissed off. Not sure why, nothing happened. No bad dreams, but I could tell, that even though I laid in bed for 9 hours, I didn't actually get any rest. Came into work, printed checks, did some work then headed to the gym. The workout was tough, but I made it through, felt pretty good. Gave myself some fancy new bruises, then came back to work. I was eating my lunch, sitting at my desk, and started crying. Literally started bawling, huge racking sobs.
I don't know how to explain to anyone, how I truly feel. I don't get to have deep meaningful conversations with anyone. I talk to people at the gym and at work. Everything is kind of superficial, and I hold on to deep feelings, that hurt. At the gym, I need to be strong and focused, and I am, but some days, I want to go sit in the corner and cry. Cry because I'm hurt, cry because I'm strong. Just cry. Just because I lift heavy shit, doesn't mean there isn't a soft heart inside this strong determined body.
I know everything happens for a reason, or that's what everyone says. I would not be where I am today, had I not lost the baby in January. As a matter of fact, I'd probably be bitching about how hot it was, or how uncomfortable I was. Heck, I could have already had the baby at this point. I could have been a mother. But, I'm not. I'm not, and I can't do anything to change that, at this point. I have to deal with this final week and all these stupid emotions.
Have you ever felt like a failure? I feel that way. For as much as I accomplish with work or at the gym, there is something that I will never achieve. I will never create another human. Sure, there are other ways, but the magnitude of never seeing my eyes, or my nose, is a big one. It hurts beyond, what I ever thought it would.
I'm going to take this week, leading up to the 28th, my "due date", and I'm going to hopefully work through all the pain, all the disappointment, all the heartache. It will never be completely forgotten though, I'll always have reminders. You see, I have a nephew, that was born a month ago. So, I'll be able to watch him grow up. And I'm sure, that there will be times, I'll wonder what my child would have been like. I'll see my nephew grow, and think to myself, that could have been me.
Life goes on, and my life is good. It's just different, than I thought it would be. So, I'm learning how to live the life I have, and take it one day at a time.
