I apologize in advance for any rambling and run on sentences. My brain is filled with thoughts and I need to get them down and out.
I don't remember my goals and aspirations as a little girl. The only thing I know, is I wanted to be successful, independent and fearless. As I quickly approach 40, I'm not sure where I am according to those terms. I guess it depends on how you view it.
I AM ENOUGH. That is my new Mantra, and I catch myself saying it quite a bit. Not to take anything away from anyone who contributes to my happiness, but I AM ENOUGH.
Most of the women who read this will understand what I say next, maybe a few men. I can't even begin to count the number of times I've been asked "when will you have kids, why aren't you married?". It starts young too. Early twenties is usually when the questions begin about your relationships. "Is he the one, what's wrong with that guy, why aren't you dating?" It makes you question yourself and wonder, is there something wrong with me? The answer is "I AM ENOUGH" I wish I would have known this then. I bent over backwards for all the wrong men, I changed what I liked to be accepted. I dated young, old, fat, skinny, bald... anything to not be alone. I lost myself in the quest to be loved by someone. I gave up dreams because I was impatient. I dated assholes who used me, because according to all the questions, I needed someone to make me happy. I believed the lie that was being sold. A woman looking and searching for her prince charming. Someone to sweep me off my feet. Well, I'm still waiting. But now I'm waiting because I choose to wait. Because "I AM ENOUGH"
Children...a whole different level of hurt and pain. Some people may not know this about me, and they may be shocked and it make them not like me anymore, but I have to be honest about who I am. My heart was not always as strong as it is now. Nor was I a good person. No wait, I've always been a good person, but my moral compass was a little fucked up. I chose sex, drugs and everything over anything else. I've had an abortion. The father wanted nothing to do with me and I couldn't handle the thought of being young and broke and a single mother. I hated my situation and I hated myself. I had lost control and I just couldn't do it. I know there will be some people who say "karma is a bitch" or "I got what I deserved". Usually those people don't know the whole back story. I was a broken woman with a girl's mind. I've had numerous miscarriages, one ruptured ectopic pregnancy. Two rounds of IVF over the past two years, resulted in one pregnancy that ended at 8 weeks and one that didn't work. I don't need to hear the whispers of those people who say "I got what I deserved", I hear that voice in my head regularly. It's the voice that keeps me awake at night. I'm crying as I type this, because I have to let it all go. I have to move beyond that hurt girl who hated herself. I love myself, even with all the hurt and pain I brought upon myself, I love the woman I am today. I AM ENOUGH
My quest for children is done. No more needles in the belly, no more "what ifs" I'm emotionally done with the fight and the unknown. I always knew that the day would come, where I would have to make the decision of whether to try again or give up. My body is done. I know in my heart of hearts, that it's over. It's time to start a new chapter in my life.
QUIT ASKING IF I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT ADOPTION! I know that most people mean well, but shit do you not think I haven't looked into every option. Having someone ask that question is rude. It really is. Also, for the people who say, "well, you could have had a child with disabilities, so maybe it's for the best" GO FUCK YOURSELVES. Seriously, I don't know what is wrong with people. Think before you speak.
I'm writing this blog, so I don't have to tell each and every person individually that I'm done trying. I want to as painlessly as possible, move onto the next chapter. I'm not sure what that is. Honestly, I'm just taking it day by day. Most days, I'm happy. I have fleeting moments of sadness and I suspect, that will always be the case. On one of my trips to Ireland, when I took the train, I met an older woman with a daughter in a similar situation as mine. Her daughter was 43, single and no children. She told me that her daughter had come to terms with the fact that she would not have children as the birthdays came. That each birthday brought some relief, because her body biologically was moving past the point of being able to have a child. I know my fertility issues are further along than my actual age. Knowing this helps me a little. As 40 quickly approaches I know my chances are dropping, so I'm going to quit fighting the aging process, and accept where I am today.
So where is that, you ask? I'm an Independent, Successful and Fearless Woman. I AM ENOUGH
