Who to pick?

I really never thought it would be this hard to pick a baby daddy.  When you grow up, you never think you are going to be looking at lists of characteristics and statistics.  It's hard.  Trying to figure out what is most important to you.  I never knew how picky I am.  Maybe, should have been more picky in picking my dates, and I wouldn't be in this situation.  :)

At least they don't know when I reject them.

Blessings in disguise.

I'm blessed.  It's a simple statement, but I truly feel that.  Not everyday mind you, some days, I feel like the world is spinning out of control.  Can't keep it together and would rather crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head.  There are days, that seem to last for weeks.  Days that I search for answers, and all I find are more questions.  Some days I feel alone.  Completely and utterly in the dark.  Nothing anyone says, can fix it.  It's those days, that I question everything.  Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose?  I look back at my life, and I beat myself up for every failure, every bad decision.  I cry, get angry, depressed.  I wonder to myself, is there really a God.  I think of my friends who don't believe.  They just walk through life, and don't seem to question.  It's like they are let off the hook.  Then, I think "oh crap", did I just question God?  Then I cry out to him.  "Please help me", "answer me", "Please God, show me your way".  I don't always hear an answer, usually I don't hear an answer.  I'm finally starting to realize, it is probably because I truly haven't been listening for one.  There are things that happen each day, that reveal his existence.  But as we age and become smarter (stupid) and closed off to miracles and small joys, we don't always see what is right in front of us.  It's easier to think " we got this", " I don't need anyone".

This journey that I'm on, is not for the faint of heart.  I'm nervous, excited, scared.  What if it doesn't work?  What if my body doesn't produce enough eggs?  There are so many what ifs.  That's why I choose to walk in Faith.  I can't explain faith to anyone, especially the non believers.  They can poke holes in my faith faster than I can think of a response.  Faith is not science, it can't be explained.  It's just there.  It comes from years of seeing miracles, the unexplained.

I was driving down the road the other day, contemplating all these thoughts, and a song came on the radio.  I almost had to pull over and stop, because the tears flowed freely from my eyes.  It was God saying to me, "I'm here, you aren't alone, I hear your cries".  Here's to hoping you hear the same thing.  :)

Trying to make home a better place.

Being on this journey, trying to become a mother, has brought out other interests in my life.  Writing this blog, has helped unblock my voice.  I don't remember when I lost it, but it seems to be coming back.

Living in Lawton has it's advantages, and it's huge downfalls.  I don't worry about traffic, by that I mean, I don't imagine dying in a 20 car pile up, caused by excessive speed.  Yes, sometimes the person in front of me sleeps the green light, and I scream at them to move, but for the most part, it's not bad.  It only takes 15 minutes to get anywhere.  Mom's house, dad's house, work... and really, it's only 5, but the drivers are slow, and my lead foot has got me in trouble before.  The cost of living is low, way below the standard around places I've lived before.  My house might be little, but I love it.  The location and the ability to change things and create.  Having my family right here close, I never knew how much I missed them, until I came back.  Friends, there aren't as many here as I'd like, but the ones that are here, are appreciated so much.  It's nice to go somewhere, and usually know at least one person there.  Now, the downfalls, almost every time you go somewhere, someone knows you.  And they usually remember something, that I'd rather them forget.  My most hated sentence I hear, "Hey Starr, do you remember what you did or said last night?".  This is usually the day after I imbibed a little too much.  Heck no, I don't want to know, that's the whole point in drinking too much.  Who are these people and why are they remembering, what I want to forget.  Places to go out, there aren't many.  Sure we have lot's of little bars and the chain restaurants, but when it comes to culture, art, music that isn't country, there isn't much to choose from.  Maybe it's just me, and I've crossed over to the age, where I want something different.

In the 15 years, that I traipsed across the US in search of home, Lawton did not change much.  I think there are a few restaurants and a new Wal Mart.  That's not really what you would expect, especially with Ft. Sill growing and Cameron becoming a great place for higher education.  Cache is growing in leaps and bounds, Lawton should be much further along than we are.  I'm not sure what happened, but now that I'm trying to stay here, without dying of boredom, it's time to take action.  It would be nice to have choices without driving to OKC or Wichita Falls.  I know there are a lot of people who feel the same way.  It's just getting us all together and on the same page.  Standing as one, and telling our leaders, what we as a community want.

I haven't felt this passionate about something since I ran for Student Council President in 9th grade.  I'm not sure that I accomplished anything then, or if I will now, but I'm still willing to try.  If Lawton is going to be my home, I want it to be a community I'm proud of.

I have just visited GoPetition and found the following page very interesting:

http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/bring-target-to-lawton.html