Today, I would have been 3 months pregnant. I've tried everything I can think of, to not think of it. I'll be honest with everyone though, it's not working. You remember when you were young, and you went through a break up? Every song on the radio was a love song, couples strolled by hand in hand? Well, all I'm seeing is babies and baby bellies. Of course, it seems each day, there is another facebook status about a new baby on the way.
I've been going to the gym and feeling pretty good. Yesterday, was not that day. First, I jumped on the scale, STUPID. My shirt clung to my belly and I looked pregnant. My spirits were in the dumps, and I couldn't do the stupid pull ups. I left feeling defeated and broken. Then I walked in the house and Willie had been through the trash, that I thought I took out. Nope, there were broken crab leg shells all through the living room. I never yell at him, when trash is left out. He's the dog, I'm the human. But I cried as I picked them up, because what if they would have hurt him. So then I grabbed him and cried for not taking good care of him.
I feel like I'm at rock bottom. Starting over in the gym and feeling weak is horrible. I just feel like I'm not looking forward to anything. Life is going by me faster, than I can run. It's a strange place, where I am. Maybe it's still just my hormones leaving me in an up and down cycle. This past weekend was pretty good, but this week has been kicking my ass. I'm just trying to keep my head above water at this point.
Listen here, you are allowed to feel whatever the hell you want to feel. Forget hormones. You've experienced a loss, a very difficult and emotional one at that. So if the week kicks your ass, then rest, cry, kick, scream, sleep, punch - whatever it takes to get through. But remember that not all weeks will be ass-kicking. You are loved, adored and admired by so many for the wonderful human being you are. Ok, now back to the regularly scheduled program. Love ya!!!!
ReplyDeleteAGREED! You feel what you feel. Loss is hard in any shape or fashion. You have to work through it to get through it. Allow yourself to feel it. It will always hurt, I know from experience. But everyday you feel it is one more day your working towards peace with it. Keep your beautiful head up!
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel any better- I have a HUGE zit right on the tip of my nose and I've gained 10 pounds after surgery. I'm at that sad gym place too....Tshirt stuck to my sweaty fat rolls. I hate it when my fat sticks to my other fat!
Love you!!!!