Blessings in disguise.

I'm blessed.  It's a simple statement, but I truly feel that.  Not everyday mind you, some days, I feel like the world is spinning out of control.  Can't keep it together and would rather crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head.  There are days, that seem to last for weeks.  Days that I search for answers, and all I find are more questions.  Some days I feel alone.  Completely and utterly in the dark.  Nothing anyone says, can fix it.  It's those days, that I question everything.  Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose?  I look back at my life, and I beat myself up for every failure, every bad decision.  I cry, get angry, depressed.  I wonder to myself, is there really a God.  I think of my friends who don't believe.  They just walk through life, and don't seem to question.  It's like they are let off the hook.  Then, I think "oh crap", did I just question God?  Then I cry out to him.  "Please help me", "answer me", "Please God, show me your way".  I don't always hear an answer, usually I don't hear an answer.  I'm finally starting to realize, it is probably because I truly haven't been listening for one.  There are things that happen each day, that reveal his existence.  But as we age and become smarter (stupid) and closed off to miracles and small joys, we don't always see what is right in front of us.  It's easier to think " we got this", " I don't need anyone".

This journey that I'm on, is not for the faint of heart.  I'm nervous, excited, scared.  What if it doesn't work?  What if my body doesn't produce enough eggs?  There are so many what ifs.  That's why I choose to walk in Faith.  I can't explain faith to anyone, especially the non believers.  They can poke holes in my faith faster than I can think of a response.  Faith is not science, it can't be explained.  It's just there.  It comes from years of seeing miracles, the unexplained.

I was driving down the road the other day, contemplating all these thoughts, and a song came on the radio.  I almost had to pull over and stop, because the tears flowed freely from my eyes.  It was God saying to me, "I'm here, you aren't alone, I hear your cries".  Here's to hoping you hear the same thing.  :)