Well, it's been a few weeks since I've posted. Been dealing with all sorts of emotions and just trying to get through each day.
Monday January 7th, was my first Ultrasound. It didn't exactly go so great. I was 6 weeks 5 days pregnant, but the baby was only measuring 5 weeks 5 days and the heart rate was 60, which is extremely low. The doctor was concerned, and frankly so was I. Came home and cried. Googled everything I could find on low fetal heart rate. Let's just say the odds weren't looking good.
Friday January 11th, went back for another Ultrasound. The baby measured 6 weeks 4 days, and the heart rate was about 72, but at times while watching, it stopped beating completely. The doctor was even more concerned. The heart was beating about half as fast as it should.
Now, I've had many encouraging words said to me, and I do appreciate them. Forgive me, if I seem spaced out, or not quite as committed to a conversation. There is a lot going on inside my head. My overwhelming desire for this baby to make it, is there. I just happen to be a realist. Yes, I know God can do anything, and he does all the time. But statistically, I have to be prepared for what everything says, is almost a 100% chance of miscarriage. The gestational age of my baby, is not in question. With IVF, we know EXACTLY, how old the baby is. We know what a heart rate should be. With the low rate, that my baby is showing, it shows that either the heart is not developing normally, or somewhere else, there is something chromosomally wrong.
Now, I would love nothing more, than to do a follow up email, in the next couple of weeks, and tell you how wrong I am. But, I'm not relying on that. I'm hoping for the best, but getting prepared for the worst. That does not mean, that I don't believe in my God. To be told that, or for that to be inferred, will not be accepted by me.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have been there and I know It is hard. This will all work out for you in the end because I can see your determination. You are a strong woman. You may not feel that way at this moment but I can tell you are. Go and cry.....hug your mom because you need her. Heal, then become that mother you are determined to be. I don't want to come across as insensitive because I too am a realist and I want nothing more than to get back on here next week and your baby proves all the odds wrong. You will be a very good mother to a wonderful child.
ReplyDeleteSimply, I love you and am praying for you and the wee babe.
ReplyDeleteLiz
My thoughts and prayers are with you Starr.... God only knows what you are going throw right now.
ReplyDeleteYour life is written in the heavens. You were bought and paid for by the blood of Christ. He is your hope, comfort and refuge. He will see you though this and into another life. Take heed to His words of hope and wisdom and remember your mother loves you more that life. Blessings to my babe and her baby. Like you, there was much suffering in my life until you came along and rocked my world! God does know what He is doing...like a secret organization, it will come to light when He decides to allow it. Love you.
ReplyDelete