Heartbeat.

On the outside, I've always been a confident, outgoing and often times, outspoken gal.  But, that was usually a deflection, of how I truly felt on the inside.  Probably one of the reasons, I was always drinking and trying to be the life of the party.  I never really felt any self worth as a woman.  I thought I was only good for one thing.  Not only by my actions and words, is that the way I was treated, but it also seemed to be that I sought out men, who would only confirm, that this was actually true.  I can actually remember a a guy telling me "I wasn't the marrying kind".  And you know what, I believed him. 

My heart has been battered and bruised, thrown in my face and thrown away.  It has seemed, to stop beating at times, out of shear pain.  I've often wondered how much one person's heart can take, because mine has seen, more than enough bad stuff.  But, it just keeps beating, this steady pace.  It's a strong heart, and I realize, that it only gets stronger with each heartache.  Those tears and breaks, when they heal, they leave a rougher surface, that can withstand so much more.

There have been a few good guys in my life, but I was unable to understand, what they saw in me.  They would have given me the moon, but I didn't feel like I deserved it, so I would end things.  The nicer they were, the meaner I was.  They had to be lying, is what I told myself. 

In a way, it was easier to put up walls.  If I kept my heart shielded, then it wouldn't get hurt.  Well, that plan really backfired.  It was a stupid stupid plan.  You can never truly keep your heart out of anything.  It's the steady reminder, that you are who you are.  It brings along with each beat, all the heartache and joy it has seen.  You are the only person, that can open it to others. 

I honestly wish, I would have realized this a long long long time ago.  But then again, I kind of like the woman I am today.