August 28th.

Two years removed from my due date. When I look at my life now, it's hard to imagine that there should be a toddler running around the house. I don't long for children the way I once did. There a fleeting moments of sadness, but they pass so fast, I'm not sure if it's real. The sound of a screaming toddler can snap me out of sadness quickly :)

This year is passing so quickly. It has been a wonderful and crazy ride so far. I've seen so many concerts, ate great food, worked out with my best friends, had epic fights with my parents, taken long walks with Sir William, seen long lost family members, made new friends, said goodbye to old friends. I've learned so much this year from every experience. 

As the year comes to a close, I'm embarking on a new and exciting journey. What started as a hobby in my kitchen, my cookies will have a new home.

 kitsitrA  

Just the name makes me happy. Getting the place opened has not been without obstacles. Things change so you adapt and keep rolling. In the next couple of weeks I will open a little shop of my own. I hope that it will give you a glimpse of my heart. 

I'll save the backstory of kitsitrA for the website. Everyone should know though, that without the sacrifices of my family, the craziness that is my family and the love they give unconditionally, my dream would still be that, just a dream. 

California Sunshine

What a trip I had.  Why did it take me so long to visit that part of California?  I loved Southern California for the laid back vibe and sunshine, but Napa was a completely different monster.  Let me just say trees and more trees.  It was so peaceful and gorgeous.  Each day I woke up and stayed in bed just looking out the windows staring at the trees.  The drive from where I was staying into downtown Napa was scenic and breathtaking.

My first full day there, I drove through the winding roads up to Occidental California.  This town was a fairy tale.  Did a little zip lining through the redwoods.  Magical

My second day there, I was able to spend time with my long time friend Aaron.  He's now married and has four beautiful children.  When I first laid eyes on him after 25 years, my heart swelled and I almost broke out into a run to hug him.  You see, in Junior High, he was my very best guy friend.  I didn't realize how much I missed him until I saw him standing there.  He grabbed me in a big hug and held me in an embrace.  It was so comforting.  Meeting his wife and children made me so happy.  His family is beautiful and loving.  We went for a walk and talked about old times.  I showed him pictures of everyone.  His kids pointed out the wild carrots and took me on a tour of their garden. They showed me their chickens and the bunny.  His wife made a fantastic dinner and we all had dinner together.  It was a great night.  I cried a little as I pulled away, especially when his kids ran out to the street and were waving goodbye to me.  It was a special night for me.

The whole trip was special, and I'll upload videos and pictures soon.  So I'll talk about the first day of Bottle Rock Napa, it was life changing in a way for me.  Most of you have read about my struggles with fertility and have followed my tries for the babies.  You've read about my funny yet disastrous dating life.  On Friday afternoon, standing in the sea of people, The Mowgli's started singing this song.  I started jumping up and down and singing at the top of my lungs... "Trying to figure out who I am or who I am supposed to be.  I feel good about where I stand so I can make the most of me...... I'm good.  Living life just like I should.  Wouldn't change it if I could.  I'm Good".....

I let it all go. The hurt, the regret...I let all the pain go singing the words. I recognized in that moment,  all of those things had led me to be standing in the middle of a beautiful California afternoon, surrounded by lovers of music, singing their own versions of the same song.  Better than that, it was all true.  I'm Good. 

Tornadoes

I have been wary of tornadoes my whole life.  In 1979, a tornado took out parts of the south side of town where I lived.  My mother had thrown me in her 1974 Firebird and barreled down the street towards safety.  She quickly realized we were headed directly into the tornado.  I vaguely remember seeing dark clouds very low to the ground.  She turned left and continued racing.  There was a guy running down the street and she pulled up along side him as she had me roll down the window (electric locks).  She slowed down and he jumped in. Through the years, she would load Dallas and I up, and take us to shelter.  I've been under the courthouse, the Pippin's cellar across the street, the Wheeler's cellar by the old elementary school.  We have been in shelters filled with water, probably housing snakes and other critters.

Let's just say, I've always been in awe and also terrified of them.  So May 6th, 2015 at 5:08pm will forever be etched in my memory.  There is really no way to describe the sheer terror and helplessness I felt, as the winds picked up around me.  I had been calling my mother and father over and over checking where the weather was bad.  It was quickly realized by all of us, that I was in the direct path of tornado, and there was nothing I could do, but hold on.  I had mom on speaker phone, while I tried to record what was happening.  I keep a blanket in the truck for Willie, so I grabbed that and wrapped it around my head and shoulders.  I was parked up on an embankment, so I was certain my truck was going to flip.  Because of this, I fastened my seat belt.  I crouched as far down as I could in my seat.  My legs were up under the steering wheel, and I had my head down as low as I could keep it.  My hand was held up in the air to capture outside.  As it started, I can remember starting to cry and saying my "mom" over and over.  The winds grew more intense and you started to see things flying through the air.  My truck started moving up and down and side to side.  I said "no" and "mom" over and over.  Time stood still, it really did.  My brain could not wrap itself around the fact, that I was indeed going through a tornado.  It was terrifying.  I just wanted to be home where it was safe.  For about 5 minutes, this was my life.

There was a point during that 5 minutes, that I thought I would die, but there was also the realization, that this tornado was not a huge one and that everything would be ok.  Those two things probably didn't happen at the same time, but I don't remember where one thought began and the other ended.  It was just finally over.  Just like that, the winds subsided and everyone drove off.

Today is the first day I've taken a shower since this happened.  I've literally been in bed since I got home Wednesday night.  I've been through some hard things in my life, but never anything this scary.  My brain has reacted in a way, I'm not quite used to.  I'm going to go grab some groceries and then make myself clean the house and do some normal stuff.

 

When I was shooting the video, I didn't realize it was on time-lapse.  So the 5 minutes of terror I experienced, was taken down to a mere 19 seconds and there was no sound.  Probably for the best, because no one wants to hear my scared voice.  

The next time you hear tornado sirens, I'll probably already be tucked away in a shelter somewhere.

Feelings.

It's been said that I'm lacking in feelings or emotions more than once by various people.  I'd like to set the record straight, I'm not lacking in them at all.  As a matter of fact, there are times I'm consumed by them.  They sneak up on me, knock me down and try to drag me, to that dark place, where they exist.

I just don't have time for them.  I can't sit around and be led by my feelings of self doubt, anger, guilt, sadness.... the list goes on

That's the crux of being a strong single woman.  There are just some things you don't have time for.  Feelings are it for me.  There are just some things that are too intimate to share with friends or family.  I love to share happiness, joy and success with everyone.  That is an easy thing to do.  But failures are another story.

When I went through my first year of fertility treatments, my family was very supportive.  But I was a 37 year old woman, who went home and in the quiet of the night entertained all my hopes and fears ALONE.  Quietly and without a reassuring voice in my ear, no one to hold me and be my strength.  Every failure was compartmentalized and left to deal with another day.  When I found out I was pregnant, those fears didn't leave, they only grew stronger.  I knew the baby wouldn't make it about a week and half after the positive pregnancy test.  There are just some things a woman knows and this was one of them.  So the first appointment, seeing this tiny baby (really just a blob) with the slowest of heart beats was expected, no less devastating.  I went home and crawled into bed and cried into Sir William's coat. One week later, my baby had grown a bit but the heart still slowly held on. Again, I went home and cried into my dog's fur.  I did not get my hopes up because I knew it wouldn't make it.  11 days after the first ultrasound no heartbeat.  Well of course my doctor was out of town, so no surgery scheduled.  For over a week I had to wake up each day and wonder "would this be the day by body expelled that life"  Hell, every time I went to the bathroom that was my thought.  Surgery was finally scheduled, and that was that.  Every single one of these days, from start to finish, I dealt with the sadness a little at a time.  This kind of heartbreak was so intimate, that a hug from my mommy or daddy, would not make it better.

So yeah, back to the feelings.  I have them people, just like everyone else.  I'll gladly share all the fun ones, and I'm a great sounding board if you are having a bad day.  I'm not a great sounding board though if it's all feelings, all the time.  If I don't have time for my own, I definitely don't have time for yours.  Life long lesson in learning the things we are good at, and the things we aren't so good at.   I guess this little story is to make people think about how everyone is different.  Not worse or better, but different.  The way we process and deal with things make us unique.  It doesn't mean I have to change who I am to be supportive of you, or you for me.  I find what I need, when it's needed, but I also give what I can.  It may not be what you need, but I can only give freely and lovingly what is comfortable for me.  I'm the tough love, suck it up buttercup kind of support.  That doesn't work for everyone and I understand that.  So if I hang back it's out of love for you.  I don't want to add toxic support to someone who needs a soft touch. 

Busy Brain.

I don't think I've ever been this busy.  My brain is hurting from the sheer force of things being absorbed.  It's great and fantastic, but man I could really use a "time-out".

Busy brain becoming befuddled, baffled by bewilderment.

^^^^^^^^^ I'm losing it^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

It's 2:20 pm and I have yet to eat lunch....next stop, hangry.

2015, where are you going so fast?

SLOWWWWWWWW  DOOOOOWWWWWWNNNN

I'm trying to get things done and the year is flying by at a record's pace.  I'm enjoying every second though.  My brain is occupied most of the time now.  That is nice, but tiring.  I still have several fires burning at once, but it's just the way I like it.

We had our Spring Trade show in Vegas, and it was a lot of fun.  Met some new and interesting people.  Signing new contracts almost weekly now.  That is amazing and we are so blessed.

I'm trying to figure out the next few years of my life....ugh   Should I get Willie a playmate? Should I rent a place in OKC and create an office there for us?  (That would only be a part time gig)  It would be quite nice to have activities to do, where people dress up, maybe have jobs, possibly even guys, that are single, who might want to hang out with me....

Napa is quickly approaching..YIPPPPEEEE  Seriously, I'm so excited.  Setting up a time to go zip line through the Redwoods.  It's almost too much!  I love love love trees and can't wait to see them up close.  Oh and all the music and wine  and double Oh, seeing one of my most favorite peoples from the 90's, whom I haven't seen since the 90's.

I'm about 4 weeks away from finishing the 12 week program of flexible dieting.  It has gone really well, and I've enjoyed learning more about food and what it does.  At the beginning, I was very strict and realized I was taking the fun out of the social aspect of eating.  I'm finally back to where I can sit and enjoy something without it killing my day or my week.  My appetite has actually been lacking since Vegas.  I have to wait until I'm hungry, and then even eating meat or eggs makes me feel a bit put off.  Not sure what's going on, but I'm just eating what I want and can stomach at the time.

Crossfit comp on Saturday, super stoked.  There are 6 ladies in my field.  Man, I hope I finish top 6  :)

Exciting things on the horizon.. Can't wait to see what the rest of the year brings.

6 weeks into flexible dieting

6 weeks have flown by.  Time sure does not wait for anyone.  I've been busy and enjoying every minute of it.  Work is going great and we are staying busy.  In construction busy is good.  Repeat customers and working on new leads every day.  It's time for our Vegas Trade Show and hopefully we meet some new potential clients.  Last year was busy, with just my brother and I manning the booth.  This year we are taking our team.  We are super excited to not only meet with new people, but 5 of our current clients will be there, and that should be great fun.

Flexible Eating:  So far so good.  Treating food as food and not good or bad is actually more difficult than I thought.  You hear so much in the news about "good" and "bad".  It leaves you eliminating and adding foods to your diet causing yo-yo effects.  I am literally eating anything I want.  Counting your macros is taking calorie counting to the next level.  Your macros are Fat, Carbs and Protein, all of these have calories.  Your body processes each of these a little different, and if you can find the right macro count, it really changes your body, not only physically but energy wise.  I feel GREAT.  I'm sleeping through the night and am able to fall asleep within 15-20 minutes of going to bed.  If you know me, you know I've had issues with sleep my whole life.  Sleep alone is worth any extra work required.

I'm down 4.8 pounds in 6 weeks, just a little shy of 1 pound a week.  That is a great number because it gives a good indication I'm keeping my muscle mass, while shedding the fat.  I'll take my measurements in the morning, but at last count I was down about 3 inches in my belly, and 1 1/2 in my chest area.  I'm happy with the progress.  I'm not bikini ready yet, but that's ok.  I'll take a slower pace knowing it will last me in the long run.  I don't feel food deprived, no crazy cravings.  I've had a few "bad" days, where I literally ate everything that would be considered bad, but I wasn't feeling well and sometimes, you just want nothing but comfort food.

I haven't been going out, and yes sometimes that sucks, but it's only because I set a goal.   It is a 12 week goal, and there is a vacation at the end.  Saying no now, allows me the luxury of knowing I'll be able to really cut loose at the end of May.  After that vacation, I'll reevaluate and set new goals.  I'll try to be a little more relaxed with my time and spend more time with friends and family. 

Flexible Eating and selfish giving, aka Joyful giving

Flexible eating is good.  There are no cheat days, you don't need it.  If you want some chocolate, eat some damn chocolate.  Just plug all the info into your handy app or scan it, then make adjustments to your daily menu.  Yes, it is just that simple.  Planning takes a little time at the beginning, but once you have figured out how to use the app, you are good to go.  I hear tons of excuses from people about why they can't eat healthy, why they can't workout... the list goes on and on.  What I've come to realize, there are some people who set goals and then do everything in their power to achieve them.  Some people tell you they set goals, then they do everything to sabotage them.  Being successful isn't for everyone.  I'm very happy with the direction my eating is headed and I feel good. 

Selfish giving:  apparently what I do.  I like to call it joyful giving, because when I do something, it's because I want to and I'm happy to do it.  It doesn't matter what it is, whether helping friends, volunteering, baking for charity.. I don't do any of those things unless I want to.  Have you ever noticed someone doing something, and they just look miserable?  Yeah, that isn't going to be me ever again.  When I show up, I'm going to have a smile on my face and a pep to my step.  If more people did this, think of how happy the world would be. 

2015 is so far a pretty good year.  My best friend and her kids will be here in 9 days... YAY 

Starting next month, the year gets good for a couple of months.  Vegas for Spring Trade Show, Megan Mullally & Nick Offerman and Kevin Hart for comedy, Ed Sheeran and BottleRock Napa Music Festival.  To wind down the summer, Damien Rice in Dallas.  I'll be keeping my eyes open for concerts to get away to on weekends.  And of course, I'm always planning to see my second family in Ireland.  Not sure when that will happen, but it will!!

Here's to the next 12 weeks

Back in the gym and it feels so good.  Started back after my birthday, and things are finally starting to come together.  I finally pulled the trigger and am working with a nutritionist.  I can decently plan a meal, but never really knew why I was eating what and when I should eat.  It's time to see what this 40 year old body can do.  Feeling better than ever and want to take advantage of every tool I can. 

Emotionally feeling pretty sound.  Work has been great this year, and there is even more on the horizon.  There are several projects in the works, and I'm trying to stay busy and also challenge myself to do more and learn more. 

Organization has been happening around the house and the office.  Putting things in their places really helps me focus. 

Sleep has been so so.  I'm back in my bed after a long year and a few months on the couch.  The couch and I were great while my shoulder recovered from surgery, but the past few months I had a difficult time sleeping and was miserable.  Last week I finally walked the hallway and climbed into the bed.  First night, slept 5 hours straight through, and now I've been getting closer to 6.  Having more sleep makes me more tolerable.  < well, I guess that is subjective.  I can still be a bitch.

Being a bitch.  When I say that, I don't mean it in a derogatory way.  I'm just stating a fact.  I'm not everyone's cup of tea.  I don't enjoy indecisive people, excuse makers and really just insecure people.  I come across harsh to them, because I have ZERO tolerance for people who can't make decisions quickly or who just continue to live in la la land.  Once I've told you something a few times, over the span of years and you still make the same mistakes, I will quickly call you out.  And by quickly I mean, I always call you out.  Nothing has changed and yet I still have to say something over and over and over... you get the picture

Patience:  Still not one of my strong suits ^^ see above post

Ok, so I'm going to try and relax for the rest of the evening.  I'm super excited to see what the next twelve weeks brings.  I'll blog about my progress not only in the gym and kitchen, but I'm going to brag about work too.  2015 is going to be our year!!!

Last day of my thirties.

What is it about milestones, that cause you to stop and reflect?  I've been having a blast with the big day event calendar, counting down the days to my birthday.  Seeing myself at different ages has stirred up memories and forgotten times.

I'm going to try and keep this short and simple, easier said than done.

I'm so grateful and thankful for all that I have in my life.  I've been blessed beyond what I think I deserve: 

Dad, you will never understand the depth of my love for you.  You and I can sit and shoot the shit, and have more fun than any two people I know.  You understand my humor more than anyone on this planet.  Watching you bust your ass for everything you have in life is such an inspiration for me, to continue on doing what you started.  Thank you for every time you bailed me out of a bad situation.  Thank you for saying no at times.  Thank you for saying yes more than once.  Thank you for pushing me to be more and do more.  I may not ever do it the way you would, but your voice is in my head.  You've taught me how to be a business woman and not back down from anyone.  My success is only because you paved the way for everything I have today.  I love you daddio

Mammie, you will never understand the depth of my love for you.  I respect you for being a strong woman through a lot of situations that would have sent other people running.  My childhood, although not normal, was one of the best times of my life.  There may be times, where I bring up the bad memories, but the good definitely outweigh the bad.  I remember road trips in the Firebird, because you wanted to drive fast.  I remember fishing at the butt crack of dawn.  Your typewriter and the sound of your fingernails as you typed is forever etched in my brain.  Not only that, you didn't say no when I wanted to play with it, you taught me.  All the things you loved, you shared your knowledge.  How many people can say they had their own pool stick at 2?  How many people served Miller Lite pony bottles when they were 4?  How many people were taught how to drive, starting at 11 years old?   And not in a piece of shit car, but a 1974 red Firebird.  You gave all of yourself to me and to Dallas.  I know that and I love you for it.  Thank you for Bosco, 86 chickens, 2 pheasants, 2 ducks, 2 goats and one Caiman crocodile.  Thank you for old music.  It will one day be my demise.  I'll hear a song when I'm 80 and go to call you, and you won't be there.  You are my music.  Your soundtrack is my soundtrack.

That's it for today folks.. all you get.  There are so many more people who add to the sum of who I am, and I will write about them at a later date.  I just wanted to start with the two people who gave me life.  Two crazy people met, fell in love, and created one perfect beautiful little girl.... ME

Growing older is a privilege.  I am going to work harder on not taking it for granted.

Goodbye 30's.... hello 30's again.  I may have to work on how to say 40.

First blog of the New year, and possibly the toughest

I apologize in advance for any rambling and run on sentences.  My brain is filled with thoughts and I need to get them down and out.

I don't remember my goals and aspirations as a little girl.  The only thing I know, is I wanted to be successful, independent and fearless.  As I quickly approach 40, I'm not sure where I am according to those terms.  I guess it depends on how you view it. 

I AM ENOUGH.  That is my new Mantra, and I catch myself saying it quite a bit.  Not to take anything away from anyone who contributes to my happiness, but I AM ENOUGH.

Most of the women who read this will understand what I say next, maybe a few men.  I can't even begin to count the number of times I've been asked "when will you have kids, why aren't you married?".  It starts young too.  Early twenties is usually when the questions begin about your relationships.  "Is he the one, what's wrong with that guy, why aren't you dating?"  It makes you question yourself and wonder, is there something wrong with me?  The answer is "I AM ENOUGH"  I wish I would have known this then.  I bent over backwards for all the wrong men, I changed what I liked to be accepted.  I dated young, old, fat, skinny, bald... anything to not be alone.  I lost myself in the quest to be loved by someone.  I gave up dreams because I was impatient.  I dated assholes who used me, because according to all the questions, I needed someone to make me happy.  I believed the lie that was being sold.  A woman looking and searching for her prince charming.  Someone to sweep me off my feet.  Well, I'm still waiting.  But now I'm waiting because I choose to wait.  Because "I AM ENOUGH"

Children...a whole different level of hurt and pain.  Some people may not know this about me, and they may be shocked and it make them not like me anymore, but I have to be honest about who I am.  My heart was not always as strong as it is now.  Nor was I a good person.  No wait, I've always been a good person, but my moral compass was a little fucked up.  I chose sex, drugs and everything over anything else.  I've had an abortion.  The father wanted nothing to do with me and I couldn't handle the thought of being young and broke and a single mother.  I hated my situation and I hated myself.  I had lost control and I just couldn't do it.  I know there will be some people who say "karma is a bitch" or "I got what I deserved".  Usually those people don't know the whole back story.  I was a broken woman with a girl's mind.  I've had numerous miscarriages, one ruptured ectopic pregnancy.  Two rounds of IVF over the past two years, resulted in one pregnancy that ended at 8 weeks and one that didn't work.  I don't need to hear the whispers of those people who say "I got what I deserved", I hear that voice in my head regularly.  It's the voice that keeps me awake at night.  I'm crying as I type this, because I have to let it all go.  I have to move beyond that hurt girl who hated herself.  I love myself, even with all the hurt and pain I brought upon myself, I love the woman I am today.  I AM ENOUGH

My quest for children is done.  No more needles in the belly, no more "what ifs"  I'm emotionally done with the fight and the unknown.  I always knew that the day would come, where I would have to make the decision of whether to try again or give up.  My body is done.  I know in my heart of hearts, that it's over.  It's time to start a new chapter in my life. 

QUIT ASKING IF I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT ADOPTION!  I know that most people mean well, but shit do you not think I haven't looked into every option.  Having someone ask that question is rude.  It really is.  Also, for the people who say, "well, you could have had a child with disabilities, so maybe it's for the best"  GO FUCK YOURSELVES.  Seriously, I don't know what is wrong with people.  Think before you speak.

I'm writing this blog, so I don't have to tell each and every person individually that I'm done trying.  I want to as painlessly as possible, move onto the next chapter.  I'm not sure what that is.  Honestly, I'm just taking it day by day.  Most days, I'm happy.  I have fleeting moments of sadness and I suspect, that will always be the case.  On one of my trips to Ireland, when I took the train, I met an older woman with a daughter in a similar situation as mine.  Her daughter was 43, single and no children.  She told me that her daughter had come to terms with the fact that she would not have children as the birthdays came.  That each birthday brought some relief, because her body biologically was moving past the point of being able to have a child.  I know my fertility issues are further along than my actual age.  Knowing this helps me a little.  As 40 quickly approaches I know my chances are dropping, so I'm going to quit fighting the aging process, and accept where I am today.

So where is that, you ask?  I'm an Independent, Successful and Fearless Woman.  I AM ENOUGH