Out of order.

I've always done things out of order.  It's weird!  Everything eventually gets done, but never in the way it works for everyone else.  This post for instance, is being posted before another.  I've been working on it since Thursday night, but am having the hardest time getting the video uploaded to the page.  I'll eventually get it, and hopefully you agree, it was worth the wait.

Yesterday was the big day.  It seems like an eternity has past.  Nope, that is just the fun of waiting now.  At 8:45 yesterday morning, I was inseminated.  Doesn't sound as sexy as saying, " my husband and I are trying to have a baby" or " we conceived on Vacation".  It was over very quickly, and the nurse told me to stay laying down for about 5 minutes.  After that I was free to go.  I walked out of there a little shaky.  My nerves were shot and the what-ifs, were already rearing their ugly little heads.  "What if you actually get pregnant? What if you don't get pregnant?  What if you get pregnant, but lose the baby?  What if? What if? 

I hope that anyone reading this knows that this was such a hard decision to make.  Yes, I joke about it, as I do most things, but it has not been easy.  Everyday, I question my own decision, and as tough as it was, it was the one I had to make.  There has been such an outpouring of support, from people I didn't expect.  And there has been complete silence, from people I thought would be here.  That is tough, probably the toughest.  Maybe you don't think you'll know what to say, but saying nothing, only feeds this growing resentment I feel towards you.  Hopefully those who know me will agree, that I might be a little crazy, and outspoken, but I'm loyal and supportive of my friends.  I've always tried to be there to help in any way possible.  This journey that I'm on, is opening my eyes to the possibility, that maybe some of these friends, don't feel the same way.  I don't care how old I get, my feelings get hurt. 

That's life, I guess.  You win some, you lose some.  My family has been the most amazing and supportive group.  They try to cheer me up, when I'm feeling low.  And my family is weird.  It's not traditional.  It's made up of mothers and fathers, ex husbands and ex wives, friends from high school.  My family is made up of love and laughter.  It is made of tears and sweat and hard work.  It is made up of my best friends.

Thank you all for becoming a part of my story, a part of my family.  Each comment, facebook message, phone call are appreciated more than you will ever know.