Negative results part 3

Well, here we go again.  Negative on the pregnancy test.  Not going to lie and tell you how great I feel or how everything is peachy.  It's not.  I'm sad, angry, disappointed and every other negative feeling you can come up with.  I feel fat, tired and beat up.  Sleep has been severely lacking this week.  I'm emotional to the point of laughing instead of crying.  This heat makes me want to move to the North Pole. 

I'm not sure what the next step will be.  Waiting on that bitch AF to show up, so I can call the doctor and see what he wants me to do.  Whatever his suggestion, is what I will do.  So it may be another IUI cycle with injectables, or he may say IVF. 

Hoping that this next step will put me in a better place.  I just feel I'm reaching a point of breaking.  Hopefully good news is on the horizon.

You only get one chance at life.

Anger is not an attractive trait.  I was ugly for a lot of years.  I blamed everyone else for my problems, or my lack of happiness.  I drank too much, smoked too much, stayed out late too much.  I chased after a life that I was incapable of actually living.  I definitely tried to control everything. 

Life is a learning process, and hopefully you catch on fast.  Because you see, there are no do overs.  Age has taught me to let things go and to go with the flow.  Sure, there are still days where I'm very ugly, but other days, I feel as free as a bird.

I'm hurting today for so many hurts that I caused unknowingly, to those I love the most.  Maybe there should have been more "Sorrys" said by me.  More heartfelt, I don't know.  But it's the past and it's time to move on.  You can't continue to carry the burden of yesterday, with the weight of your life today. 

2WW from hell :)

Ok, so maybe it's not that bad.  Or, some days it is.  I've never known time to go so slowly.  It literally creeps backwards at times.  I've cried more this week, over stupid things too.  I'm getting good at turning the radio station really quickly.  Just the note of a song, can set me off.

So, I'm mentally preparing for the worst, while of course hoping for the best.  I've started researching IVF, trying to prepare for the next stage.  If this IUI doesn't work, I'll speak with my doctor and do what he suggests, but at this point, I'm ready.  The shots, I can handle.  The drugs effects on my body, not as worried, now that I've read up on what they are.  Of course there is always going to be some risk, but I'm willing.

I've been trying to find a support group for single women, going through what I am.  It is definitely getting harder to be around people.  Not that I don't like them, but I find myself, looking at what they have and really feeling inadequate or a slight tinge of jealousy.  Seeing baby pictures and hearing about what all the babies are doing, is starting to put little daggers in my heart.  Don't get me wrong, I love how wonderful all the babies are and how well they are doing, I'm just not in the mood to hear about it.  :)  I will say, I miss all my girlfriends, and how easy the conversations used to be.  Miss the laughter and carefree moments.

I was in Wal Mart, stocking up on healthy eats yesterday, and got teary eyed when I walked past the baby stuff.  HORMONES are the devil!!  So, if you happen to see me out and about, with a spaced out look and tears in my eyes, please feel free to help a sister out.

Sure, he can watch!

So funny things always seem to happen to me.  It wouldn't be funny if it happened to people with no sense of humor, but I realize shit happens, and sometimes it just makes me laugh.

Yesterday was my third insemination.  I arrived early with a full bladder.  They take me back to get prepared.  My normal nurse is not working my case, but she says hello.  The new nurse, who seems a little spacey, but super nice leads me to my room.  When she knocks to come back in, she asks if she can bring in a medical student to watch my procedure.  "Sure, no problem, bring them all in".  So in they come, along with my normal nurse.  Apparently my doctor is on vacation and this nurse is going to be doing the deed.  As I lay back, she is fumbling with the Speculum and she says, "I really don't like these things".  At this point, I already know it's not going to be smooth.  She proceeds to jam this thing into my lower region.  It's not a smooth process, and she takes a lot of skin with her.  She proclaims, " are you ok?"  "I'm so sorry.".  Does Dr. Hansen normally have this much difficulty?".  "No, I tell her, just you".  She then decides after several more unsuccessful jabs, that maybe she needs the smaller speculum.  She has to leave the room.  So I lay there, legs spread with, about a 19 year old guy, staring at my lady parts.  She returns with the smaller device and this one is much better.  After a few minutes of moving this thing around, she says "oh, your cervix is hiding from me".  Now, I didn't know that my cervix likes to play hide and seek, but yesterday, it was all about some fun.  I can tell she is nervous.  At least she tells the student to go get the PA.  So, she keeps this speculum in me, as we wait.  The PA walks in, takes it out, readjusts goes straight in, locks it in place and gets me inseminated in less than 3 minutes.  I love an experienced woman!   Thank goodness this is over! 

But this situation took me back several several years ago, to a yearly exam in Dallas.  That's why I find it funny, stuff happens to me all the time.  She gets me on the table, legs spread and speculum in place, only to realize that she doesn't have all the other supplies she needs.  She says "wait just one second, I'll be right back".  No problem I think.  After a few minutes, the door opens and I look over to see, a horrified gentlemen, who has opened the door to the wrong room!  He turns beet red and apologizes, I laugh and say no problem!  Sure, he can watch too, let them all in!!

Sure, I could have got mad, but what good would that serve me.  It's really not that big of a deal.  Shit happens people.  Learn to go with it, laugh with it!  It's so much more fun that way.

Shot....part 2 Hopefully by saying shot, I only have to stick it once!

I'm going to try something  new tonight, and do a couple of video blogs.  A video here about an hour before the shot.  Then, I'll video me giving myself a shot.  Hopefully I'm not as shaky as the first time!

Of course after watching the above video, I want to shoot and retake! :)  I tend to look away apparently when nervous or unsure of what I'm about to say.  I'll work on that for future reference.  And there was something in my eye!!! :)

I'm not watching the second video!  Now my hands are shaking!  The hard part is over!!

Finished this round of Meds! I'm alive

So thankful to be done with this round of medication.  I've had quite a few terrible headaches, but it hasn't been as bad as last time.  I stayed in most of the weekend, with the air conditioning turned to arctic, to combat the hot flashes!

Watched the whole series of Arrested Development!  Hilarious.  Debating on naming my future unborn, not quite hatched little girl Maeby.  Ha!  No, I wouldn't do that.

I'm gearing up for a long week of work and traveling back and forth to the City.  No big plans.  Can't seem to concentrate on anything for too long, before of course, I start thinking.  Thinking is bad!!

Training starts tomorrow for the next Spirit of Survival, which is October 7th this year.  I've signed up again for the half/half marathon relay.  Last year, my partner Joanne, had to bow out because she found out she was pregnant, and her first trimester was quite tough.  I'm hoping to repay the favor!!  But until then, I'm going to get out there and start pounding the pavement again.  I've taken the past 5 or so months off, trying to rehab my knees.  I miss running.  I miss running A LOT!!  So keep your eyes open for a girl wearing knee socks!!  The Cancer Fairy is suiting up!

Round number 3

Here we go again!!  Took my Clomid pill about an hour ago.  Heart is starting to race, and I'm really thirsty.  I'm really optimistic today.  Worked out and got a good sweat in, before the pills really kick in.

I'm debating on dating.  Off topic I know, but you know, being alone through all this sucks.  Not really sure how the dynamics will work, but I'm going to just put myself out there.  I've met a few people who know what I'm going through, and surprisingly, they haven't run screaming.  Now, I haven't been out yet, because I'm truly unsure of how I feel.  I'm scared to get hurt.  That is the main reason.  That's usually the reason, but in a way, it's not just about me.  Granted, I'm not pregnant yet, but it's gonna happen.  I'm positive (today anyway)

I've been so focused on getting pregnant, that I've shut myself in.  I miss flirting and being around guys.  I miss the banter.  I've always enjoyed being around the fellas anyway.  I'm going to do it!  Just talked myself into it, by writing about it.  Ok, maybe not dating, but a few friends never hurt anyone.  I'll just take it slow and be myself.  What's the worst that can happen, that I haven't already been through??