Goodbye 2013

What a year... It was filled with the highest of highs and definitely the lowest of lows.  When thinking back on the year though, I'm filled with nothing but gratitude.

January:  I lost my precious babe, who was growing inside me.  I was devastated and overwhelmed by so many emotions.  I knew that I probably wouldn't try again, and dealing with the loss and the knowledge, that it was my last chance, was almost too much.  There were many tears shed every night as I went to sleep.

February:  Crossfit!  I started a journey full time, that has forever changed me and the way I view my body.  It made me realize, I'm strong.  With hard work and preparation, you can do anything you set your mind too.  It taught me to push past comfortable, and go for it.

March:  Ireland....Pushed away my fear of flying, and set out on the trip I'd dreamed of for a long long time.  St. Patrick's Day in Dublin.  Wow!  It was more than I ever dreamed.  Each day I would wake up and hit the streets.  There were a lot of tears shed there as well.  Seeing the beauty of that city, meeting the people, it was an amazing time.  When I left, there was a void in my heart. 

April:  Hmm, I think this month was filled with dreams of Ireland and lot's of Crossfit.

May: Started planning my next trip to Ireland.  I couldn't stay away for long.  If I saw something about Ireland on TV, I cried.  There was a physical response.  An ache and a longing, that I had only experienced, when being homesick from my family.

June:  Crossfit, Crossfit and more Crossfit.  This is when I really started to notice a change in my body and my mental strength.  My eating was on point and I was starting to get stronger and faster in the gym.  It carried over to my life.  I was happier and more productive.

July: Can anyone say Crossfit?  Throw in a couple of Saturday Shenanigans and you've pretty much got the idea.

August: Oh the dreaded month of August.  My due date was the 28th.  This date haunted me throughout the year.  As much as I tried to forget it, it would just talk to me in the quietest of times.  To my surprise, the girls from the gym, surprised me with a dinner.  There were about 18 girls who showed up.  I've never been one who get's surprised, so it was really a special moment for me.  The support they offered was nothing short of fantastic.

September:  Ireland.  I was so happy to get there and get my rental car.  I drove on the wrong side of the car, wrong side of the road and loved every minute of it.  Ireland is a beautiful place.  It's magical and holds me hostage to the promise of the life, I've always dreamed about. Simplicity at it's best.  When I'm there, I'm me, the best me, the most honest me, the happiest me.  The half marathon in Dingle, was exhilarating with the most gorgeous views, I've ever seen in my life.  I can't imagine never seeing that place again.  And then there was Dan.  He sneaked in under the radar.  Completely the opposite of my type, yet my perfect counter part. 

October: Disaster in the Crossfit!  I injured my shoulder about 4 years ago, and I finally pushed it to it's limit, or rather pulled it to it's limit.  I know the exact moment it was torn beyond just letting it go.  Workout called for pullups and I did what is called a kipping pullup. I've been avoiding doing those, because I couldn't yet do a strict.  The kipping pull up has movement in it, and I just wasn't ready.  So, there goes the rotator cuff.  I also could not stand the separation between Dan and I, so I scheduled another trip to Ireland. 

November:  Light time in the gym.  Could not perform any upper body movements, so I worked on my backsquat.  I actually achieved my new personal record of 215 pounds, which I'm very proud of.  Then the week before Thanksgiving, Ireland  :)  I arrived back to spend time with Dan.  It was so much fun and very relaxing.  Tea and toast became an everyday thing for me.  Sleep was also restored.  I slept for 8-12 hours every night.  It had been a couple of years, since I was so comfortable.

December:  I was supposed to be home preparing for surgery, but one decision kept me in Ireland for an extra week.  I was scheduled to leave Ireland on the 2nd, but I just didn't want to leave Dan.  So, I changed my ticket to the 5th.  On the 3rd, I looked at the weather and saw a huge storm moving into Lawton and Dallas.  On Wednesday night, I cancelled my flight and re-booked for Sunday the 8th.  Saturday night-Sunday morning at 1am, I received a phone call from AA, changing my flight to Monday the 9th.  Sunday night my flight was cancelled again, because of the second leg of the flight being cancelled.  So after two hours on hold, I was scheduled to leave on Tuesday the 10th.  I kept waiting for it to be cancelled, but NOOOOO, so home I came.  Lot's of scrambling to finish end of year paperwork, before my surgery.  December 18th, rotator cuff surgery.  Woke up groggy and not able to move my right arm.  Mom was watching Sir William and Dad was playing nurse.  I spent 5 days with my dad and Crickett.  They took great care of me, and honestly, I had a good time being with them.  It's something I plan on doing more.  Christmas was different for me this year.  It seems to change and grow more distant than what I remember.  I know it is because, of the lack of kids, in my house.  There is no one to be excited for it.  Santa Claus doesn't come to my house anymore, which makes me sad. 

December 31st:  I'm alive.  My arm is healing.  Still moments of pain, usually in the evenings after I've used my arm too much, like typing this blog :)  I'm looking forward to this next year.  It's a big one for me.  I'll be closing out the last year of my 30's.  It doesn't seem possible, but that is what my birth certificate says.  Dan is coming to see me for my birthday... HE BETTER!  I'm not sure what the year holds, but I'm excited to see it unfold. 

Thank you all for the friendship and love you've shown through this year.  I've gained some new friends and learned to appreciate the ones I have more.  I hope for you all a prosperous and healthy year.

May the sun shine all day long, everything go right and nothing wrong. May those you love bring love back to you, and may all the wishes you wish come true! ~ Irish Blessing

November.1

The month of being Thankful.  I honestly try to be thankful each and every day.  My life has been filled with so many wonderful moments.  Those moments and the memories, far outweigh the bad.

But I'll start today, by being thankful for my parents.  How blessed am I, to still have them both, here on this earth with me?  I have many friends, who have had to said goodbye too soon.  Yes, they both may drive me to the brink of insanity at times, but they are my friends, my cheerleaders, my gut checks.  They are a part of me, and I, a part of them. 

I'll start with the momma, so she doesn't get jealous.  She is CRAZY, certifiably nuts.  She will guilt you to no end.  She will call me, if she thinks something is wrong, and if I don't answer, she will then call every .2 seconds, until I answer the phone, screaming "WHAT".  But, she loves me and I know that.  She will kick someone's ass for hurting me.  She will stand up for me against anyone who dares go against me, as long as I'm not in the wrong.  She has no problem speaking her mind and standing behind her convictions.

My father, the daddio.  He is CRAZY, certifiably insane.  He and I can fight, I mean knock down drag out verbal wars.  He has a sharp tongue backed by a sharper wit, deadly combination.  He also, will kick someone's ass for hurting me.  He has supported me, when most of those times, I was definitely in the wrong and was headed the wrong direction.  He is a man of his word and full of integrity, even when the world around him falls apart, and tries to beat him down.  He has given me the tough love at just the right times.  He loves me and I know.

They are both crazy, insane, nuts, loud, outspoken and often times misunderstood.  They will forever and always be mine, and for that I'M THANKFUL.

Ireland again!!

It's been awhile since my last post.  So many fun and exciting things have happened.

1.  High School Reunion.  It wasn't really mine, because I didn't graduate.  And since I didn't graduate, I haven't really aged.  All my friends are much older, but not me  :)

2.  I went back to Ireland. 

3.  Ran my first half marathon in Dingle Ireland.  It was a magical place.  So beautiful and peaceful.  The run was challenging, but so worth it!  I didn't really train for it, just continued on with my Crossfit, but I finished it.  2:43 was my time, but the official time said 2:51.  Whatever, I finished.

4.  I drove on the wrong side of the road, from the wrong side of the car..... and didn't kill anyone

5.  Saw more than once castle.  Oh how I love them. 

6.  Had to stop driving, because there were sheep in the road :)  I was really excited about this and started laughing, and maybe crying. 

7.  I got a new tattoo of a tree on my forearm.  I'm absolutely in love with it.  It is by far, my favorite to date.  It's simple and beautiful.


Lastly, but probably the best thing.  This trip, I did meet someone special.  I actually met him last trip, but he was not on my radar.  He wasn't even on my radar this trip.  It is true what they say, when you quit looking, someone shows up.  It all happened, because I thought I lost my phone.  In one moment, the way I saw him, completely changed.  It was as if, I was looking at a different person.  Over the next few days, he just kept doing these little things, that really made me think.  He said something to me, that is hands down, the nicest and sweetest things, a man has ever said.  And it wasn't because he wanted anything.  At least, I don't think he did :) laughing


I'm happy.

My Due Date is here!!!!

I thought I would be more emotional today.  Not saying I haven't cried, but I think having 7 months to watch this date approach, has made it much easier.

I'm not a mother.  I don't think I'm going to be a mother.  I'm ok with that.  Truly, I am actually ok with that.  It's so hard to explain.  I love kids, they are awesome and fantastic and all that jazz.  They are also crazy, and whiny, and loud and uncontrollable.  :)  I wanted one so bad.  Was so close, there was a baby in my belly, with a heartbeat and everything.  But it didn't happen.  I thought at the time, I would jump right back in the game and try again.  Instead, I found Crossfit.  I found myself

When we are little girls, we dream about our future.  We dream of big weddings and having children and life being this great easy thing.  Well, it doesn't always work out like that.  I am walking proof.  :)  As women, we are constantly asked about our relationships and when are we having children.  As 30 something year old women, we are reminded that we are running out of time.  Asked why are you still single?  Don't you want to have babies?  The answer was always yes, I wanted it all.  Now, here I sit, knowing that it isn't going to be like I dreamed.  My life is going to be different than everyone else.  I'm ok with that in this moment.  In this moment, I am happy with myself.

I am now free to be me. 

What does that mean?  I have no clue.  The future is a blank slate.  Not having to worry about raising a child, is somewhat liberating.  Yes, of course I understand I'm missing out on some of the greatest joys of life.  Children are a blessing.  I also have the ability to do anything that I want.  Anything, without the worry of dragging someone along.  I won't mess up someone's life, because of my issues.  :)  And believe me, we all have issues.

It was said to me by someone, that they wished I would become a mother, so my heart would soften. You didn't wish motherhood on me, because I wanted a child.  You wished it out of spite.  I will answer you here, because those were some of the most hateful words ever said to me.  Just you saying those words, proved that being a mother, does nothing to soften your heart towards anyone, not related to you by blood.  Being a mother is not the only thing in the world.  When I love, I CHOOSE to love.  It is an active choice, that I work at.  My heart is soft for all kinds of things, but bitchiness is not one of them. 

With that being said, I still have a full life.  It is just different than society's norm.  I've grown much more comfortable with that, over the past 7 months.  Instead of looking at my friends and family, and wishing I had their life, I'm excited and overjoyed, that I have the life I do. 

It's my life, the good the bad the ugly.  It's the only one I get.  It's time to stop thinking about the what ifs from the past, the could be's of the future, and start living each day.

Today was my due date.  I should have been a mother.  But I'm not and that's ok.  I'm ok

8 days.

I've been doing pretty damn good, if I do say so myself.  The gym has been tough, but I've been tougher.  I'm eating more food, and getting leaner and gaining more muscle.  I can feel the difference.  Mentally, been pretty good, or so I thought.   :)

Woke up this morning and I was pissed off.  Not sure why, nothing happened.  No bad dreams, but I could tell, that even though I laid in bed for 9 hours, I didn't actually get any rest.  Came into work, printed checks, did some work then headed to the gym.  The workout was tough, but I made it through, felt pretty good.  Gave myself some fancy new bruises, then came back to work.  I was eating my lunch, sitting at my desk, and started crying.  Literally started bawling, huge racking sobs. 

I don't know how to explain to anyone, how I truly feel.  I don't get to have deep meaningful conversations with anyone.  I talk to people at the gym and at work.  Everything is kind of superficial, and I hold on to deep feelings, that hurt.  At the gym, I need to be strong and focused, and I am, but some days, I want to go sit in the corner and cry.  Cry because I'm hurt, cry because I'm strong.  Just cry.  Just because I lift heavy shit, doesn't mean there isn't a soft heart inside this strong determined body.

I know everything happens for a reason, or that's what everyone says.  I would not be where I am today, had I not lost the baby in January.  As a matter of fact, I'd probably be bitching about how hot it was, or how uncomfortable I was.  Heck, I could have already had the baby at this point.  I could have been a mother.  But, I'm not.  I'm not, and I can't do anything to change that, at this point.  I have to deal with this final week and all these stupid emotions. 

Have you ever felt like a failure?  I feel that way.  For as much as I accomplish with work or at the gym, there is something that I will never achieve.  I will never create another human.  Sure, there are other ways, but the magnitude of never seeing my eyes, or my nose, is a big one.  It hurts beyond, what I ever thought it would. 

I'm going to take this week, leading up to the 28th, my "due date", and I'm going to hopefully work through all the pain, all the disappointment, all the heartache.  It will never be completely forgotten though, I'll always have reminders.  You see, I have a nephew, that was born a month ago.  So, I'll be able to watch him grow up.  And I'm sure, that there will be times, I'll wonder what my child would have been like.  I'll see my nephew grow, and think to myself, that could have been me.

Life goes on, and my life is good.  It's just different, than I thought it would be.  So, I'm learning how to live the life I have, and take it one day at a time.

No one likes a quitter

Today, I didn't like myself very much.  I actually quit during a workout.  I was uncomfortable and hot, and mentally I just gave up.  As I lay back, panting and gasping for air, Darren the gym owner and trainer said something to the effect of "what are you doing?" then "I don't like it" to which I replied, "I don't either".

I walked away, laid down on the floor, in front of the fan, took off my shoes and socks and retreated into my mind.  As all the other guys and gals, were out there, running sprints, probably feeling, just as uncomfortable as I had been, I was wallowing in self pity on the floor.  Then I got mad.  I'm not a quitter, not anymore.  I don't run away from problems.

Got up, put back on my socks and shoes and finished the damn workout. 

No one likes a quitter.

Projecting

I need to work on my lowering my expectations of people.  Or not lower my expectations, but quit projecting, what I would do, onto them.  Here lately, I've found myself quick to temper, because people are not reacting the way I think they should.  Or rather, it's not the way I would react, so then I become angry or it upsets me, when it shouldn't.  People are who they are, and when I don't allow them to be themselves, without passing judgement, then it doesn't really say much for me. 

For instance, I have a friend that I'll send texts to.  Occasionally, they answer quickly and appropriately :)  but there have been a few times, no answer.  Me, beating head on floor out of frustration, when I should just go on with what I'm doing.  Nothing has been life or death, and I would hope that if it was, they would definitely answer quickly.  Anyway, I sent an angry text yesterday morning, because I was mad.  And as the day wore on, I thought more about it, and realized, I was completely in the wrong.  Just because I try and answer every text, and rather quickly, doesn't mean they have to.  Just because I text them, they are not obligated to answer.  So, I'm going to be working on this issue.  I'll add it to my long list of things to let go of.  (So if you happen to read this blog, I'm sorry and I'm working on it)

I think we are all guilty of this at one time or another in our lives.  Things are much more noticeable to me now though.  One of the hardest instances of this, I still am working on.  I'm always early.  ALWAYS  When people are late, it drives me totally insane.  When I first moved back to town, my girlfriend and I met quite a bit for lunch.  I was always early, and she was always late.  It irritated me at first, but then I figured out a way to make it work.  She would say let's meet at 11:30.  I knew that really meant 12:00.  So, I started leaving the office at around 11:45.  I was still early, and she was still late, but we were meeting at the same time.  :) 

Just be yourself and allow the same for others.  We are all different, we are all weird and we all deserve to be respected for that.

42 Days.

42 days until I return to Ireland.  42 days seems so far away, and yet, I know it will be here in an instant.  I'm trying to stay focused on those numbers and not the other numbers, that are quietly ticking off in the back of my mind.  34 days and I would have been a mother.  For everyday that I get closer to Ireland, I'm reminded of why I'm going.  For everyday in the gym, and each day my stomach gets flatter, I'm reminded of what my belly should look like.  For every baby, that has been born this summer, I'm reminded that it won't be mine.  For every announcement that someone is pregnant, I'm reminded that I'm not. 

I'm literally all over the place with my emotions.  It's an hourly thing and it sucks.  I can be having the best day, and it's shattered by a song, a memory, a thought, a hope. 

I knew that this summer would arrive, and I knew that it would be tough.  I'm doing the best I can to get through each day, with hope and gratitude of where I am and all that I have.  I'm thankful for each one of my friends, who has thought of me, and reached out.  You guys mean the world to me. 

42 days, tick tock goes the clock.

Tired

I'm so tired.  That's the only way I know how to explain how I feel.  Not physically tired, but mentally exhausted.  Physically, I'm kicking ass.  Gym time is the one thing that is making me feel somewhat happy. 

No one, and I mean no one, can ever understand, what any one person goes through.  Yes, they may be in similar situations, or even feel, that they have been where you have been.  The truth is, each one of us experiences life in our own way. 

I'm tired of being in my own head, talking to myself, about things I can't change.  It's funny to realize how different I am, than who I thought I was.  Used to be very very social, but it was always on a superficial level.  Luckily, I made some good friends through those years, that are still with me today.  Today, I could care less if I talk to a lot of folks.  I've become very selective, about the types of people, I want to be with.  I guess it's more of realizing who I am, and the energy, I want to be surrounded by. 

I'm not a very emotional person.  Never have been.  Just ask my mother :)  Only when drinking, do I become more open and somewhat unguarded.  Not sure if it's a defense mechanism, or if it's just a part of my DNA.  It's the only way I know to be.  Don't get me wrong, I cry, and it's an ugly cry at that, but it doesn't happen often.  I usually just brush it off and move on.  I like laughing way better anyway.

I'm tired of doing it all.  The weight of everything gets overwhelming at times.  But, there is no one I can turn it over to.  Everyone I know, has their own families to take care of.  My brothers, my parents, they all have their own shit to deal with.  I've been feeling caged in lately, in a way, that I haven't felt in a long time.  I'm waking up in the middle of the night again.  Not sleeping well, really starts messing with one's mind.  I obsess over things, that are out of my control.  My house is falling apart, my fence is about to topple over, I don't have a green thumb and my yard looks like hell.  It's the little things too, like light bulbs that go out, wanting to change out the faucet on the sink, taking out the trash, rearranging furniture.  I've been doing this stuff forever on my own, and I'm just tired of it.

Hopefully, the tired that I'm feeling, leaves soon, so I can be on my way.  I've got shit to do! I don't really have time to feel sorry for myself. 

Fake people.

Oh this is completely a rant.  Yes, a rant, I won't name names, but I am directing this at one particular person.  If this isn't you, and for most of you reading this, there will be no chance, that you will think it's about you. But if you are offended, I apologize in advance.

Get of your fucking high horse.  You think you are better than everyone else.  You sure put on a good show for all your friends, but I've known you a long long time.  You can dress yourself up, and act all high and mighty, but you are a peasant, just like the rest of us.  Keeping up appearances, for the sake of what?  I used to try to keep being civil, but that is hanging on by the last little thread.  Through the years, I've taken enough of your shit, and listened to you talk about every single person.  It's always about you.  It's always been about you.  You've created so much drama.  Well, I'm done with it.  I'm done with you and all your bullshit.  I've reached a point, where I'm drawing the line.  NO MORE

So while you pretend to be someone, you should know, I sit and laugh a little.  Because, I know you. 


Ok, end rant.  See, even I have bad days.  I'm not perfect like all of you thought.  :)  Like I have said, I'm trying to live a more genuine life.  More honest.  Well, these are my thoughts right at this particular moment.  I try and give you the real me, and that is good and bad.  Hopefully the good outweighs the bad.

Heartbeat.

On the outside, I've always been a confident, outgoing and often times, outspoken gal.  But, that was usually a deflection, of how I truly felt on the inside.  Probably one of the reasons, I was always drinking and trying to be the life of the party.  I never really felt any self worth as a woman.  I thought I was only good for one thing.  Not only by my actions and words, is that the way I was treated, but it also seemed to be that I sought out men, who would only confirm, that this was actually true.  I can actually remember a a guy telling me "I wasn't the marrying kind".  And you know what, I believed him. 

My heart has been battered and bruised, thrown in my face and thrown away.  It has seemed, to stop beating at times, out of shear pain.  I've often wondered how much one person's heart can take, because mine has seen, more than enough bad stuff.  But, it just keeps beating, this steady pace.  It's a strong heart, and I realize, that it only gets stronger with each heartache.  Those tears and breaks, when they heal, they leave a rougher surface, that can withstand so much more.

There have been a few good guys in my life, but I was unable to understand, what they saw in me.  They would have given me the moon, but I didn't feel like I deserved it, so I would end things.  The nicer they were, the meaner I was.  They had to be lying, is what I told myself. 

In a way, it was easier to put up walls.  If I kept my heart shielded, then it wouldn't get hurt.  Well, that plan really backfired.  It was a stupid stupid plan.  You can never truly keep your heart out of anything.  It's the steady reminder, that you are who you are.  It brings along with each beat, all the heartache and joy it has seen.  You are the only person, that can open it to others. 

I honestly wish, I would have realized this a long long long time ago.  But then again, I kind of like the woman I am today.

Genuine.

Your genuine action will explain itself, and will explain your other genuine actions.  Your conformity explains nothing.

The above stolen from Ralph Waldo Emerson's Self Reliance.

Hopefully, I'm getting back to this way of living.  For years, I think I followed so many different things, that I lost who I was.  The one thing I've come to realize by just being myself, is that sometimes, it isn't easy.  It's hard to be different than something thinks you are.  It's hard to be embarrassed, because you say something, that doesn't fit.  It's hard to be vulnerable, and possibly have your feelings hurt.  It's hard to be closed off to people, when they want you to be open.  It's hard to be open to people, when they are closed off to you. 

But, I think if you try everyday, to be the best possible you, eventually, it will all fall into place.  You'll wake up and be surrounded by genuine people.  Whether or not you agree on anything or everything, your friendships will be genuine, and guided by truth.

Wake up, be yourself, be amazing!

 

Sad/happy

I didn't actually think, that you could be sad and happy at the same time. Yet, that's where I find myself lately. I have brilliant moments throughout the day, only to be met, with "woe is me" later in the evenings. I hate that the bad thoughts creep into my head, as the days turn to night. 

I'm optimistic and a realist. A weird combo if you ask me. I know that things will eventually fall in place, yet the impatient me, thinks it will take forever. 

I think the comfort, that my home provides, is the same thing, as the loneliness I feel here. Day in an day out, I come home to an empty house, with nothing but my books and tv to keep me entertained. I have my little guy Willie, but his conversations are quite limited. Ruff

I find that I feel a big disconnect with most people. I'm not really big into small talk. There are some people, who I enjoy quite a bit, but don't get to spend time with them, near as much. My closest girlfriends, are on the east coast, west coast and way down there in Texas. 

I'm trying to stay busy, and do things I enjoy, and I really like all that I'm doing. But, I feel like there is just something missing. I watch as friends and family around here, seem to have everything that I crave. I'll continue to strive to be better, and do better each day, hoping it will eventually lead to something more substantial in my life. 

I guess what I'm trying to say, is I always try to do for others, give everyone the real me, and I do it from a place of love deep within my heart. It's not that I want anything in return, but the hope is, someone will recognize my heart and want that for themselves. 

I do for others, what I hope others would do for me. I care for others, the way I want to be cared for. 

Now don't get me wrong, I'm happy and content, but there has to be more to life, than what I'm experiencing. There's just a little hole in my heart, that is aching for something more. It longs for chance at something spectacular and amazing. 

Giving.

So much craziness in life lately it seems.  If it's not one thing, it's another.

Oklahoma has been battered and beaten lately, in the weather department.  Lawton, thank goodness, has been spared for quite a few years.  The OKC metro area, has just been tortured.  On May 20th, an F5 tornado, went on a 17 mile quest, and 24 people lost their lives.  7 of those were children, who were at school, when the tornado hit.  I was watching closely online, when the rotation began.  As it descended from sky, I called my brother David who was in Oklahoma City.  Normally, he doesn't ever answer his phone.  As it rang, I willed him to answer.  He answered, and I asked where he was.  "Moore jobsite" he replied.  I told him he needed to leave and take shelter, a tornado was headed his way.  He reminded me, that we had built a safe room on this project.  I told him to get in it.  Then we hung up.  I watched as this small tornado grew larger and larger, until I was crying while sitting at my desk.  It was huge, and I knew it was going to cause a lot of damage.  I didn't think, even being in the safe room, was going to be enough.  I started looking online, mapping where the jobsite was, to where the tornado was tracking.  I estimated him to be about 8 miles away, so I breathed easier.  I was sending him texts and anxiously awaiting a response.  He finally called me, a few hours later.  I had been wrong about the distance.  He was only a matter of blocks from the tornado.  When I called him, he was about to head to the store.  He had no idea about the tornado.  In all, there were 17 people who piled into the safe room.  I'm so thankful, they were spared the chance to test the full strength of the tornado, and just how strong the safe room was.

The following week, a group of us, from the local Crossfit gym, traveled to do a Workout/Fundraiser.  Afterwards, some of us went, to offer help in clean up.  TV and movies, does not quite prepare you, for the actual devastation you see.  I was struck, by how quiet everything was.  We all grabbed supplies, and took off to help.  I had brought along some plastic containers with lids.  I came upon a family, and there was an older gentlemen loading up a truck.  I asked him, if he could use some.  He replied "yes, I could use some, what do you want for them?".  That question, completely brought my heart to a stop.  I felt sad and a certain kind of loneliness creep in.  What have we, as neighbors and people, done to our fellow humans, that the assumption I want something in return, was the first thing he asked?  I handed those off, and told him I would grab more, and I'd be right back to help.  I started crying while walking back to the truck.  At that moment, the only thing that mattered, was helping.  All day, I worked with Bob, his daughter Kelly and son Jason, their extended family and friends, as we sorted through the piles of debris, that was once their lives.  Bob had lived at this location for 37 years.  He had raised his kids and buried his wife, 16 years ago, from breast cancer, all while living there.  That night, I arrived home around 8, walked in grabbed my dog and looked around at my house.  It's small, falling apart, but there was no place I'd rather be.  The comfort my house provides, is something these people would not have for a long time.  I showered, and crawled into bed.  When I woke up, I knew I had to go back.  So, back to the store, grabbed more supplies and hit the road.  It took a little while to find the house again, but I arrived back and said hello to the family.  When Bob showed up about an hour later, he came over and gave me a big hug and a smile.  Throughout the day, this family showed me, what it means to smile and joke, even when the world around you seems dark.  They were a funny group, and I've thought about them every day since.  I know, I'll see them again soon.

Ugh

Things are actually better than the title represents.  And at the same time, they are worse.  Gym time is amazing, and I can't wait to post the before and after photos.  I'm amazed at the changes that are happening.  Still some stressful fires burning, but there is nothing I can do about those but wait, and stay strong until we have an answer.

The Ugh, is because of this weekend.  It's Mother's Day on Sunday, and  the posts are already starting.  I won't even try to lie, and say I haven't thought about it a million times, because I have.  I just attended 3 baby showers, in the past two weeks.  I'm reminded daily, that I'm not a mom.  That's the truth, and it sucks.  It sucks everyday.  It doesn't suck as bad as it did in late January, but it's still there.  Truthfully, it will always be a part of my soul.  I sometimes wonder if the longing will go away.  There are days, when I'm so thankful to be single, and able to do what I want.  But, it's all I know.  Maybe this is my blessing/curse.  Who knows how I'll feel, when I'm old and gray.  I've put the baby pursuit on hold for now.  I don't know if I'll try again.  I'm just not ready yet, and there are days when I think, I never will be.  It's not set in stone, or my final answer, but for today it is.  I'm taking it one day at a time, and trying to just live my life.

For all the mothers, Happy Mother's day. 

Random thoughts

I've been doing pretty good lately.  Since returning from Ireland, and having a trip to Vegas thrown in there, I'm now back to a pretty boring schedule, that looks the same day after day after day.  Surprisingly, it doesn't bother me though.  It's a controlled schedule, and I actually look forward to each part of it.  My favorite part is my morning workout, then the lunch right after :) 

Finally saw my sister in law's pregnant belly.  I had been avoiding it, because I didn't want the reminder of what I should look like.  I touched her belly, because that is my nephew in there.  Not going to lie though, I went home and cried that night.  No matter the hurt that I have, life goes on, and I can't avoid it forever.

Speaking of babies, I have 3 baby showers in the next two weeks.  2 on one day, these people are trying to kill me.  I'm sure there is going to be some more nights of crying :) I'm truly happy for all of them.

Working out is going great.  Each day, I feel stronger and more excited about the changes going on with my body. 

Men!  Bleh and blah!  Still on the hunt, the prowl :)  My soul mate is probably out there banging other people.  JERK!  I'll make sure to remind him of that fact everyday, if he ever makes his way to me.

Today is the 18th anniversary of the OKC bombing.  It's unreal to me, that the time has gone by that fast.  I remember that day so well.

Life is starting to pick up the pace it seems.  I'm just trying to keep up.  :)

April Fool's Day.

So this year, it seems that I pulled off the best April Fool's Day hoax of all.  I actually like the fact, that most of you know me well enough, that you would think it was actually true.

No, I didn't mean anyone special in Ireland.  They were all special, but no one special special.  Did I want to?  Well of course, who wouldn't want to be swept of their feet.  Would I move to Ireland? In a second, a nano second.  My mother is not thrilled with that idea.  As a matter of fact, when I text her from Ireland, she said " you can leave Lawton when I die".  Nope, no guilt trip there.  I know she loves me, and just wants me close, but I don't think she sees the light inside me dying.  No, I won't die here in Lawton anytime soon, but there are days it feels like it.  I have so much that is good.  Stable job, my family, a home.  But that's it.  Nothing else happening. 

I'm thankful, I'm blessed, but I'm also bored to tears.  Each day, same thing, work, work out, come home eat and sleep.  Repeat!  Some days I mix it up, by drinking too much and showing my ass, but those days are too few.  That is not the part that I hate.  I'm tired of being alone.  I want to be in a relationship, not just to be in one, but in one with someone special.  It would be nice to find the right guy.  I don't just want any guy.  They have to be funny, cute but most of all, different.  No country accent dammit! :)

I thank everyone for all the laughs today at my status.  My mother cried and was sick to her stomach, seeing me fly across the pond.  I wish it were true folks, but alas, my fairy tale life continues.  One day though, there will be a happy ending.  Or, it could just be an ending.  Either way, it's my journey, and I'm thankful to be taking it.

Ireland was amazing!

I kept a few notes before I arrived in Ireland, so I'll post those.  It's still so fresh in my mind, the whole trip.  I've struggled this week with catching back up on time.  I also realized today, I'm slightly depressed that I'm not there.  So anyway, it was amazing, more than I imagined, and definitely a place I will see again, sooner than later.

March 15th, 2013
First leg.  Sitting at Lawton airport early.   Of course I arrived early, I'm always WAY early.  Starting to get emotional.  Well, more emotional.  I can't believe I'm actually going to Ireland.  I'm so grateful.  Beyond words at how blessed I am.  With the support of my family, my adventure is starting.

This month marks a year of my fertility adventure.  There were some really high highs, and then of course it ended with the lowest of lows.  Losing my baby.  I can't believe I lost my baby.  But, I will be forever grateful for the experience.  It taught me, to give all of myself, my hopes, my fears, give it all over to the unknown.  I've always been a risk taker, but this was the ultimate risk.  Looking back, the woman I was, she is forever gone.

Today, I take the first step towards being not a fearless woman, but a woman who faces her fears.


March 16, 2013 arrived in London
Amazing flight, much better than any domestic flight.  The only problem, sitting for so long.  I slept a little at a time, then would stand and stretch.

I'm overloaded right now people watching.  So many different accents.  I've seen guys from Jamaica with dreds, lot's of "hipsters", the Russians seem to be camped out, by the caviar bar.  Stereotypes everywhere you turn.  I'm waiting on my fish and chips to arrive.  No Wifi, so write I will.

As we landed in London, I was looking out the window seat, even though I was in the aisle.  I had my music playing in my ear, and Awake My Soul just happened to start playing.  I couldn't stop smiling, and the tears gently started falling.  Pure Happiness and joy.  I know how goofy I must have looked, but at that moment, I knew, it would forever be etched in my mind.  As we were leaving plane, the male flight attendant asked why I had been crying earlier, I had no idea anyone was watching me.  I told him, "my first trip abroad", he just smiled and said "Welcome".

I'll blog soon about all my experiences in Ireland. 

Welcome back Starr!

Holy cow!  It's been a minute, since I felt this good.  Probably, January of last year before I hurt my knee and couldn't run, and definitely before I started all the Fertility treatments.  I'm back to Crossfit and getting stronger each day.  This week, I also started running again. It feels good to have the energy and drive again. 

There is a small part of me, that doesn't want to give this up.  The selfish part of me doesn't want to try for a baby again.  It brings up all the questions of whether or not it will work, and if it doesn't work, I already know how dark, the place I go is.  It's at least a month of crying and not being able to work out just exacerbates the feelings of self loathing.  Plain and simple, I'm scared.  I know when the time comes for me to try again, I will do it, and be fine. But, the next time is it.  I'm strong, but I've thought about it long and hard, and there will not be a third time.  Unless of course, I meet some hot, young man who wants a baby with me, then I'm all in!  :)

Speaking of young men, laughing.  I'll be honest in saying I sure do miss the fellas.  When you are single and trying to have a baby, there aren't many guys really interested in hanging out.  I completely understand.  What a weird thing.  That, and I don't like the guys my age or older.  Too much baggage, and to be honest, they are old.  Everyone knows that I'm a big kid at heart, and I will not be with someone who conforms to what "age" the number says.  I flirt as much as possible and enjoy every second, but it would be nice to snuggle up a bit.  I can't remember the last time I kissed a guy.  I miss having that connection with someone.  I used to march right up to a guy and say "you, me, now".  Now, I am so gun shy, and really don't know how to act.  It's quite funny really.

So, I'm just taking it day by day, and nothing for granted.  Very thankful to have found a gym, that helps me feel alive.  Each day, I look forward to seeing what my body can do.  It makes me reach down deep, and push through the voice in my head, that sometimes says "you can't".  I can, I will and I am!!

12 weeks

Today, I would have been 3 months pregnant.  I've tried everything I can think of, to not think of it.  I'll be honest with everyone though, it's not working.  You remember when you were young, and you went through a break up?  Every song on the radio was a love song, couples strolled by hand in hand?  Well, all I'm seeing is babies and baby bellies.  Of course, it seems each day, there is another facebook status about a new baby on the way. 

I've been going to the gym and feeling pretty good.  Yesterday, was not that day. First, I jumped on the scale, STUPID.  My shirt clung to my belly and I looked pregnant.  My spirits were in the dumps, and I couldn't do the stupid pull ups.  I left feeling defeated and broken.  Then I walked in the house and Willie had been through the trash, that I thought I took out.  Nope, there were broken crab leg shells all through the living room.  I never yell at him, when trash is left out.  He's the dog, I'm the human.  But I cried as I picked them up, because what if they would have hurt him.  So then I grabbed him and cried for not taking good care of him. 

I feel like I'm at rock bottom.  Starting over in the gym and feeling weak is horrible.  I just feel like I'm not looking forward to anything.  Life is going by me faster, than I can run.  It's a strange place, where I am.  Maybe it's still just my hormones leaving me in an up and down cycle.  This past weekend was pretty good, but this week has been kicking my ass.  I'm just trying to keep my head above water at this point.

The fog is lifting

I had surgery on January 24th.  It was a simple procedure to them, but it really hurt my spirit.  It took away the hope I had.  The week that followed, was probably the hardest week, I've every encountered.  I'm not sure, if it's age, but I just didn't bounce back.  Physically, I felt fine, but my emotions were all over the place.  The day of the surgery, I was optimistic and feeling pretty good.  Looking back, I can see where the anesthesia was still a factor.  Friday, I woke up zapped of all energy.  That night I had to go see my brother's Art Show, and I just wasn't myself.  The next day, same thing, but my Step dad was retiring, and we were having a party.  The Monday following my surgery, was my birthday.  Woo hoo, yes I'm saying that sarcastically.  There just wasn't much celebration in my heart.

It's now almost two weeks post surgery, and the fog is starting to lift.  I'm still not 100%.  I'm still not sleeping well.  Haven't been back to the gym yet, but I am wearing my work out clothes, in case I feel up to it.  But, there are moments, where it doesn't creep into my head, that I have to have another round.

Of course, in life things happen.  Good and bad.  This was my bad, after a string of bad, yet there is still a little hope, that one day, things will go my way.  I haven't completely given up yet.  Hopefully, I never will.  There will be a round two, but this next time is all for me.  I'm not going to blog about the baby making process.  It's not that I don't want to share it, but you all know the process I'll be going through.  Lot's of shots, and waiting.  I realized, that I never gave myself time to be present in the moment.  Getting the blog written, in a way, that told my feelings took over.  So, I'll still be blogging, but not sure on what yet.  Maybe you guys should give me some ideas.  Give me any topic you want, and I'll write a blog about it.  That sounds like fun anyway, it will challenge me to open up.  I won't necessarily write a personal blog, but I may have some experience with your topic, and I'll gladly share.

I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart, for taking last year's journey with me.  Lots of you stopped me, and gave me words of encouragement.  Many of you never left comments, but when I saw you, you'd tell me that you read my blog.  It meant a lot to not be alone in the process.  I'm hoping that whenever I try again, later this year, that I'm able to post a blog with good news.

Small Bump

I've heard this song a million times, since I bought the album.  It has so much more meaning for me now.

Today confirmed that your heart quit beating.  I knew it was coming, but it still did not lesson the blow.  There was still hope buried deep inside me, that you would surprise us all.  I know that it was not meant to be, and you were needed somewhere else.  I want to thank you for the couple of months I had with you.  You changed my life, even if I only knew you a short time.  I was making plans for us, for you really.  Thinking about the sports or dance lessons you'd take.  Thinking how much smarter than me, you were going to be.  I wondered if your eyes would be blue like mine, or if you would take after your dad.  I was imagining what it would be like, to hold you for the first time.  I tried to imagine, what your cry would sound like.  I wanted to see my parents hold you, and imagine that's what it looked like, when they held me.  I will miss you like crazy.  I love you

Trying to keep the faith

Well, it's been a few weeks since I've posted.  Been dealing with all sorts of emotions and just trying to get through each day.

Monday January 7th, was my first Ultrasound.  It didn't exactly go so great.  I was 6 weeks 5 days pregnant, but the baby was only measuring 5 weeks 5 days and the heart rate was 60, which is extremely low.  The doctor was concerned, and frankly so was I.  Came home and cried.  Googled everything I could find on low fetal heart rate.  Let's just say the odds weren't looking good.

Friday January 11th, went back for another Ultrasound.  The baby measured 6 weeks 4 days, and the heart rate was about 72, but at times while watching, it stopped beating completely. The doctor was even more concerned.  The heart was beating about half as fast as it should. 

Now, I've had many encouraging words said to me, and I do appreciate them.  Forgive me, if I seem spaced out, or not quite as committed to a conversation.  There is a lot going on inside my head.  My overwhelming desire for this baby to make it, is there.  I just happen to be a realist.  Yes, I know God can do anything, and he does all the time.  But statistically, I have to be prepared for what everything says, is almost a 100% chance of miscarriage.  The gestational age of my baby, is not in question.  With IVF, we know EXACTLY, how old the baby is.  We know what a heart rate should be.  With the low rate, that my baby is showing, it shows that either the heart is not developing normally, or somewhere else, there is something chromosomally wrong. 

Now, I would love nothing more, than to do a follow up email, in the next couple of weeks, and tell you how wrong I am.  But, I'm not relying on that.  I'm hoping for the best, but getting prepared for the worst.  That does not mean, that I don't believe in my God.  To be told that, or for that to be inferred, will not be accepted by me.