Out of order.

I've always done things out of order.  It's weird!  Everything eventually gets done, but never in the way it works for everyone else.  This post for instance, is being posted before another.  I've been working on it since Thursday night, but am having the hardest time getting the video uploaded to the page.  I'll eventually get it, and hopefully you agree, it was worth the wait.

Yesterday was the big day.  It seems like an eternity has past.  Nope, that is just the fun of waiting now.  At 8:45 yesterday morning, I was inseminated.  Doesn't sound as sexy as saying, " my husband and I are trying to have a baby" or " we conceived on Vacation".  It was over very quickly, and the nurse told me to stay laying down for about 5 minutes.  After that I was free to go.  I walked out of there a little shaky.  My nerves were shot and the what-ifs, were already rearing their ugly little heads.  "What if you actually get pregnant? What if you don't get pregnant?  What if you get pregnant, but lose the baby?  What if? What if? 

I hope that anyone reading this knows that this was such a hard decision to make.  Yes, I joke about it, as I do most things, but it has not been easy.  Everyday, I question my own decision, and as tough as it was, it was the one I had to make.  There has been such an outpouring of support, from people I didn't expect.  And there has been complete silence, from people I thought would be here.  That is tough, probably the toughest.  Maybe you don't think you'll know what to say, but saying nothing, only feeds this growing resentment I feel towards you.  Hopefully those who know me will agree, that I might be a little crazy, and outspoken, but I'm loyal and supportive of my friends.  I've always tried to be there to help in any way possible.  This journey that I'm on, is opening my eyes to the possibility, that maybe some of these friends, don't feel the same way.  I don't care how old I get, my feelings get hurt. 

That's life, I guess.  You win some, you lose some.  My family has been the most amazing and supportive group.  They try to cheer me up, when I'm feeling low.  And my family is weird.  It's not traditional.  It's made up of mothers and fathers, ex husbands and ex wives, friends from high school.  My family is made up of love and laughter.  It is made of tears and sweat and hard work.  It is made up of my best friends.

Thank you all for becoming a part of my story, a part of my family.  Each comment, facebook message, phone call are appreciated more than you will ever know. 

Yes, I'm a daddy's girl.

Everyone that knows me, knows that I'm a daddy's girl.  Always have been, and always will be.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm blessed beyond measure with a wonderful (crazy) and loving (crazy) mother.  It's ok, she loves my brother best anyway, so it works out.  :)

I've been overly emotional lately, and I know it's because of the medication.  But some of it, can also be attributed to getting older and watching life fly by.  Tomorrow is my dad's birthday, and every year, I struggle with figuring out what to get him.  He's the type of man, that doesn't want anything, and he has everything he wants.  So, I figured this year, since I'm writing this blog, I'll let not only him, but everyone else, know how special this man is to me.  Hold on, let me grab the tissues.

Mom and dad divorced when I was 2.  They battled for me, 4 times in court, every time dad lost.  Well, once he won temporary custody, and mom stole me, and took off for Wichita Falls.  Then, when she brought me back, she still won custody.  The point of this is, he never gave up.  He fought for me and so did she.  How loved was I?  ( Now they could have just been trying to win, but I'll chalk it up to Love)

Mom never kept me from dad, but we had the standard custody arrangements.  Every other weekend and 6 weeks in the summer.  I don't remember much of my childhood, because, well it was childhood.  But he was a part of my life.  He worked his butt off to provide for his new family as well as take care of me.

My dad is the strongest guy I know.  Probably another reason, I'm still single.  No one compares to him.  He tells me I deserve better, and I believe him.  He is honest, he doesn't lie to me.  Not even when what he has to say, might hurt me.  He just says it.  He's pushed me to believe in myself more.  He's loved me, when I felt broken.  He knows when to back off and let me be, and he knows when to get in my face, and tell me to "man up".

He has not had an easy life, but he has never given up.  Sometimes, he might rest, but he eventually gets back up.  He is a force.  He and I can butt heads like nothing you have ever seen.  And it's happened a couple of times.  But, we always manage to let the hurt go, and just continue on.

Dad, you are my rock and my best friend.  I don't care what anyone ever has to say about you, because I know the real you.  I'll always have your back.

I would not be the woman I am today, had I not always known your love for me.  It's changed through the years, and I appreciate you more everyday.  Thank you for all your advice and nagging.  Happy Birthday Dad, Daddio, Daddy.

Learn to Forgive

This is for me, this is for you.  What a lesson for all of us.  Forgiveness doesn't come easy.  We have to make a choice to accept what has happened and move on from it.  Everyone does this in their own way.  Some people easily brush things off, while others take great offense to everything said and done to them.  It's not always about you.  Sometimes, it is about someone else.  I've learned this lesson the hard way in my life.  Every day, I have to pray for God, to soften my heart, towards people.  That's life.  There are people from my past, who I forgave a long time ago, but then I let them go.  They were no longer in my thoughts or my life.  And still to this day, I rarely think about them.  A few friends, and even a few family members.  That's the way I forgive.  It may not be right to for everyone, but it's easier for me.  I can look back on the past 25 years, and yes, there is some sadness for what was lost, but I didn't cause it.  How can you miss something, that you never knew?? 

As I move forward in this next phase of my life, which by the way, I hope is the middle, and not the end, daily I try to forgive and ask forgiveness.  It seems that I can piss people off quite easily.  Actually, I've always known that, "You're just like your father", as my mother and step-mother will both attest too.  Often times, I feel misunderstood.  This blog is about my journey, and as I stated in the first blog, I'll probably lose a few friends along the way.  I wasn't kidding.  By being honest, and open and putting things out there, some people will realize, that they really don't like me, and that's fine.  I'll be ok.  I've gained support from people, that I never knew cared, and those are the people that I want to forge a better relationship with, and move beyond being superficial and less than honest. 

If you, the person reading this blog, is offended in any way, I'm truly sorry.  This is about me and not about you.  I never meant to hurt you along the way or make you feel less than important.  Whether you are friend or family, you have been a part of my journey thus far, and I hope to keep you until the end.  If not, good luck and may God bring you joy and abundance in your life.

As for me, I'm living.  Finally, I'm learning to live without fear of what others might think.  I'm living to please God and myself.  Hopefully, I will make some of you proud as well.

Planning Procrastinator

This post has been running through my mind for a couple of weeks.  By no means, has it ever truly been far from my thoughts.  I'm a planner.  I know, I know, how does that work with being a procrastinator too?  I don't have an answer, but it has always just been that way.  When I was a child, there was an ordered chaos, that I orchestrated.  When it was time to leave the house, I would ask my mother, "do you have your keys, your purse, my food, the program, the directions, etc".  I absolutely HATE being late, to anything.  Time is something to me, that is equal for everyone.  Your time is worth exactly what my time is worth.  If you are late meeting me, I take offense to it.  Yes, there are circumstances that happen, things we can't control, and sometimes you are late.  But as a rule, I'm the type of person, that already prepares for being late, so I'm actually super early when nothing catastrophic happens.  Every day I wake up, and I mentally plan out my day.  Working out, work, food and then down time.  Yes, down time, reading a book or watching TV is in my plan.  It's my day, I can do what I want.  Having a plan, keeps me from getting bored and doing something stupid, like drinking too much :) 

Now, it's been brought to my attention, that once I have kids, all the planning goes out the window, and you just "Do".  Awesome! Great!  I'll plan for that then.  You see, you can always be prepared.  Knowing that I won't be able to plan, only gives me time now, to plan for the times, that I won't be able to plan for then.  You can be sure, that I'll have all kinds of diaper bags, prepared for just those times.  I'll have spares of things, stashed around town at friend's houses, the office, the car, mom's, dads.... see the list goes on.  I'll be prepared, for the unexpected.  Being prepared will allow me to go with the flow.

Wow, this blog was not even about what I wanted it to be about.  But, it works.  Guess I'll keep it and work on the next one, which is still about planning.  More about plans, but really about being included in plans, and informed of things.

I was a mother once, a long time ago.

I was a mother once.  My heart beat for a little girl, like she was my own.  Many tears have been shed over a little girl lost.  She was never mine to begin with, but you couldn't tell my heart that. 

Met the guy, while she was pregnant.  No, I did not break them up, according to him he was already free.  Looking back, I think he was lying.  No longer do I question the mother's hatred for me, if roles reversed, I would  have felt the same way.  It's been 7 years on Tuesday, since I last saw her face, in person.  It will be her 10th birthday.  A few months back, her stepmom sent me a friend request, and I accepted.  Her and I have not spoke, but she allowed me a glimpse, of the little girl, I loved so long ago.  For that I'm deeply thankful.  I wrote a poem for my "daughter", in February of 2005.

Little Girl, I love you so
Here are some things, I want you to know.

Though you aren't mine, not my offspring,
since the day you were born, you've made my heart sing.

When you were a baby, you looked just like your dad.
If someone didn't hold you, you'd cry and get mad.

As you started growing, smiles replaced your tears.
I couldn't wait to watch you grow, through the coming  years.

Then you started walking, bolder day by day,
outside we took you, to the park to play.

Next you started talking, what a glorious sound.
It didn't matter what you said, you had us all spellbound.

You wrapped your arms around me, and said you loved me so.
I wanted to keep you young forever, and never let you go.

You are so smart and beautiful, you have taught me about love,
you are the most precious gift, sent from up above.

When you get older, if I'm not around, I just want you to know,
even though, you're not mine, I'll always love you so.

First hurdle complete.

Feeling Overwhelmed~

I'm not good at making decisions.  Some things are easier than others, I'll admit.  For years and years, it was thought that I was laid back and go with the flow.  NOPE  Starting to see a little bit of control issues  :)  If I like a certain food item at a restaurant, it is pretty hard to get me to order anything different.  Shampoo, soap, etc, I tend to buy the same stuff year after year.  I know what I like, so I don't stray.

Now I'm faced with, what seems to be an impossible decision.  I know, it's just the first of many, once I'm successful in conceiving.  I've looked at so many sperm donors, they are starting to look alike.  Near tears, several times today, because, this is never a decision I wanted to make.  For a long time I believed in the fairy tale, and thought my prince charming would arrive.  He would be here to help me make these kinds of decisions.  I would have a partner, someone to lean on.  The thought of doing this alone, scares me to death, but it something that I want so desperately.  There is this ache in my heart, for a life that I dream of.  Knowing that the decision has to be made, does not make it easier.  Instead my anxiety level has risen to a Category 27.

Knowing that this decision, could affect the rest of my life, is well, nothing less than overwhelming.  Some day, I'll have to explain my choice to a son or daughter, and the thought of them not agreeing, or feeling let down by my choices, makes me a little scared.

I did narrow down the choices, and ordered 3 sets of adult pictures.  Hoping that one catches my eye and talks to my heart.  At least 3 hours today was devoted listening to Question and Answer sessions with the donors.  There were a few that made me laugh, which is good.  My favorite did not have an available adult photo, but he is top of the list, if the other 3 make me rip my eyes out  :)

I still believe in the fairy tale, but it is one I must write myself now.  It will be a new version, so when others read, they too can believe in happy endings.