I had surgery on January 24th. It was a simple procedure to them, but it really hurt my spirit. It took away the hope I had. The week that followed, was probably the hardest week, I've every encountered. I'm not sure, if it's age, but I just didn't bounce back. Physically, I felt fine, but my emotions were all over the place. The day of the surgery, I was optimistic and feeling pretty good. Looking back, I can see where the anesthesia was still a factor. Friday, I woke up zapped of all energy. That night I had to go see my brother's Art Show, and I just wasn't myself. The next day, same thing, but my Step dad was retiring, and we were having a party. The Monday following my surgery, was my birthday. Woo hoo, yes I'm saying that sarcastically. There just wasn't much celebration in my heart.
It's now almost two weeks post surgery, and the fog is starting to lift. I'm still not 100%. I'm still not sleeping well. Haven't been back to the gym yet, but I am wearing my work out clothes, in case I feel up to it. But, there are moments, where it doesn't creep into my head, that I have to have another round.
Of course, in life things happen. Good and bad. This was my bad, after a string of bad, yet there is still a little hope, that one day, things will go my way. I haven't completely given up yet. Hopefully, I never will. There will be a round two, but this next time is all for me. I'm not going to blog about the baby making process. It's not that I don't want to share it, but you all know the process I'll be going through. Lot's of shots, and waiting. I realized, that I never gave myself time to be present in the moment. Getting the blog written, in a way, that told my feelings took over. So, I'll still be blogging, but not sure on what yet. Maybe you guys should give me some ideas. Give me any topic you want, and I'll write a blog about it. That sounds like fun anyway, it will challenge me to open up. I won't necessarily write a personal blog, but I may have some experience with your topic, and I'll gladly share.
I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart, for taking last year's journey with me. Lots of you stopped me, and gave me words of encouragement. Many of you never left comments, but when I saw you, you'd tell me that you read my blog. It meant a lot to not be alone in the process. I'm hoping that whenever I try again, later this year, that I'm able to post a blog with good news.
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Small Bump
I've heard this song a million times, since I bought the album. It has so much more meaning for me now.
Today confirmed that your heart quit beating. I knew it was coming, but it still did not lesson the blow. There was still hope buried deep inside me, that you would surprise us all. I know that it was not meant to be, and you were needed somewhere else. I want to thank you for the couple of months I had with you. You changed my life, even if I only knew you a short time. I was making plans for us, for you really. Thinking about the sports or dance lessons you'd take. Thinking how much smarter than me, you were going to be. I wondered if your eyes would be blue like mine, or if you would take after your dad. I was imagining what it would be like, to hold you for the first time. I tried to imagine, what your cry would sound like. I wanted to see my parents hold you, and imagine that's what it looked like, when they held me. I will miss you like crazy. I love you
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Trying to keep the faith
Well, it's been a few weeks since I've posted. Been dealing with all sorts of emotions and just trying to get through each day.
Monday January 7th, was my first Ultrasound. It didn't exactly go so great. I was 6 weeks 5 days pregnant, but the baby was only measuring 5 weeks 5 days and the heart rate was 60, which is extremely low. The doctor was concerned, and frankly so was I. Came home and cried. Googled everything I could find on low fetal heart rate. Let's just say the odds weren't looking good.
Friday January 11th, went back for another Ultrasound. The baby measured 6 weeks 4 days, and the heart rate was about 72, but at times while watching, it stopped beating completely. The doctor was even more concerned. The heart was beating about half as fast as it should.
Now, I've had many encouraging words said to me, and I do appreciate them. Forgive me, if I seem spaced out, or not quite as committed to a conversation. There is a lot going on inside my head. My overwhelming desire for this baby to make it, is there. I just happen to be a realist. Yes, I know God can do anything, and he does all the time. But statistically, I have to be prepared for what everything says, is almost a 100% chance of miscarriage. The gestational age of my baby, is not in question. With IVF, we know EXACTLY, how old the baby is. We know what a heart rate should be. With the low rate, that my baby is showing, it shows that either the heart is not developing normally, or somewhere else, there is something chromosomally wrong.
Now, I would love nothing more, than to do a follow up email, in the next couple of weeks, and tell you how wrong I am. But, I'm not relying on that. I'm hoping for the best, but getting prepared for the worst. That does not mean, that I don't believe in my God. To be told that, or for that to be inferred, will not be accepted by me.
Monday January 7th, was my first Ultrasound. It didn't exactly go so great. I was 6 weeks 5 days pregnant, but the baby was only measuring 5 weeks 5 days and the heart rate was 60, which is extremely low. The doctor was concerned, and frankly so was I. Came home and cried. Googled everything I could find on low fetal heart rate. Let's just say the odds weren't looking good.
Friday January 11th, went back for another Ultrasound. The baby measured 6 weeks 4 days, and the heart rate was about 72, but at times while watching, it stopped beating completely. The doctor was even more concerned. The heart was beating about half as fast as it should.
Now, I've had many encouraging words said to me, and I do appreciate them. Forgive me, if I seem spaced out, or not quite as committed to a conversation. There is a lot going on inside my head. My overwhelming desire for this baby to make it, is there. I just happen to be a realist. Yes, I know God can do anything, and he does all the time. But statistically, I have to be prepared for what everything says, is almost a 100% chance of miscarriage. The gestational age of my baby, is not in question. With IVF, we know EXACTLY, how old the baby is. We know what a heart rate should be. With the low rate, that my baby is showing, it shows that either the heart is not developing normally, or somewhere else, there is something chromosomally wrong.
Now, I would love nothing more, than to do a follow up email, in the next couple of weeks, and tell you how wrong I am. But, I'm not relying on that. I'm hoping for the best, but getting prepared for the worst. That does not mean, that I don't believe in my God. To be told that, or for that to be inferred, will not be accepted by me.
Monday, December 24, 2012
So glad this year is almost over.
Where to begin... I'll start at the end of 2011. It was truly a turning point for me. I learned my Scottish boyfriend, was not who he said he was, and he was married in early December. That month was kind of a blur. Lots of tears and soul searching. I decided then and there, that it was time, I started being proactive, in what I truly wanted in life.
February, 2012 was my first appointment with a fertility doctor in Oklahoma City. He did some blood work and an ultrasound. After the appt, he sat me down and talked chances and what he found. Basically, he told me that my ultrasound showed only 5 follicles, which was indicative of Poor Ovarian Reserve. He expected the blood work to confirm that. He told me, to just wait for his phone call in a few days, then we would discuss my options. I went out to the parking lot, barely holding myself together. Called my dad and started crying. Came home and started researching everything he had told me. The blood test was an AMH test, and low numbers, were not good.
He calls back and schedules follow up appointment. I asked the nurse my number, she hesitated telling me, but I asked again. My AMH was a .2 On a scale from 0-5, I was .2 away from Zero fertility. I hung up the phone and once again cried my eyes out. Next day was my appointment. I arrived, and exactly like I thought, the doctor told me my chances of having a child were pretty slim. Now, there was the option of using donor eggs. Then he rattled off numbers saying " in normal women, age 40 the chances of success are..." " In normal women, age 35 the chances of success are...". Basically, he was saying everything that didn't pertain to me. He said whatever I chose, I needed to make a decision quick, because his next IVF started in June and it was expensive. I wanted out of his office and away from him. I knew that regardless of what I chose, it would not involve him. I cried most of the way home, no radio turned on. My thoughts of holding a baby, who looked like me, my mom, my dad were clouded by his voice, saying no. It was a tough drive. Strangely, when I got home, there was a calmness to me. I jumped online and started looking for another doctor. OU Medical jumped up, and I called. The girl was super sweet and said it was just my luck, an appointment, was open for the next day. I made the appointment.
Right away, I like Dr. Hansen and his staff. They were all friendly, and he talked to me. He gave me another ultrasound, and he found more follicles, not a lot more, but a few more. 8 was better than 5. He said, he saw no reason, not to try an IUI, which is an Intrauterine Insemination. Basically, it's the doctor putting the sperm, right outside the fallopian tubes, and letting nature work it's course. First though, I needed an HSG, which is an Hysterosalpingography an X-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes, to make sure the tubes are working properly. It is an uncomfortable procedure, to say the least. They basically pump your uterus full of dye, while performing the X-ray. I was laid out on the table for about 20 minutes, while the doctor squeezed the dye in, which caused contractions. The first test was performed by an offsite doctor, and the results were inconclusive. Dr. Hansen said we could proceed, or do the test again. We chose to do the test again. So the very next day, I drove back up to the city, and had the test performed by Dr. Hansen. He concluded that the tube I did have, was open, but maybe not without some blockage. He still thought that IUI was the best course of action.
May 2012, my first IUI after a week of Clomid. I was crazy after the meds. They had me feeling very euphoric my first time. I was super excited and just knew, that I was going to be pregnant right away. Instead, I was met with a big fat negative. No time to cry about it though, it was time for the next try. Well, as most of you know, there were 4 failed IUI attempts, and each time the medicine made me meaner and depressed. I had headaches that put me flat on my back. After the fourth fail, it was time to discuss our options. Dr. Hansen and I spoke at length about IVF. He said my odds, were maybe 25%. Well, let's do it I said. There was no way I could give up without trying. This was in August, and it was a long 3 month wait to start my IVF cycle.
A couple of days before Thanksgiving, my box of drugs arrived. I cried just looking at them. I was scared and sad. Sad to be alone, trying to have a baby, and scared of all the shots I was about to endure. Thanksgiving was my first shot. Wasn't too bad, two shots a day. It wasn't until the third day, that I introduced a couple more shots in. In total, I had given myself 52 shots in 23 days, or something like that. I had appointments, just about every other day. They were checking my blood, and looking for over stimulation. My body responded very well, and I only had a few days of swelling and bruising. They harvested 6 eggs. 4 eggs were mature and two immature. Out of the 4, 3 of them fertilized. On day 2, they were doing very well, one Grade A and two Grade B. On the third day, when I went in for the transfer, all three were still doing great. One 4 cell grade B-, one 6 cell grade B, and one Morula.
That's when the wait began. Slowly minutes ticked by, day by day. Not knowing if it worked, was killing me. I started peeing on a stick the day after my procedure. I do not recommend this for anyone. :) It becomes the obsessive thing you do. Then you stare at the sticks, imagining lines when there aren't any. Only difference is, I did have a line. Day after day, that little line kept showing up. Then it started getting darker, and then finally the digital test said yes. That's right, you read that correctly.... I'm pregnant. Wait, let me say that just a little louder...I'm pregnant.
Merry Christmas
February, 2012 was my first appointment with a fertility doctor in Oklahoma City. He did some blood work and an ultrasound. After the appt, he sat me down and talked chances and what he found. Basically, he told me that my ultrasound showed only 5 follicles, which was indicative of Poor Ovarian Reserve. He expected the blood work to confirm that. He told me, to just wait for his phone call in a few days, then we would discuss my options. I went out to the parking lot, barely holding myself together. Called my dad and started crying. Came home and started researching everything he had told me. The blood test was an AMH test, and low numbers, were not good.
He calls back and schedules follow up appointment. I asked the nurse my number, she hesitated telling me, but I asked again. My AMH was a .2 On a scale from 0-5, I was .2 away from Zero fertility. I hung up the phone and once again cried my eyes out. Next day was my appointment. I arrived, and exactly like I thought, the doctor told me my chances of having a child were pretty slim. Now, there was the option of using donor eggs. Then he rattled off numbers saying " in normal women, age 40 the chances of success are..." " In normal women, age 35 the chances of success are...". Basically, he was saying everything that didn't pertain to me. He said whatever I chose, I needed to make a decision quick, because his next IVF started in June and it was expensive. I wanted out of his office and away from him. I knew that regardless of what I chose, it would not involve him. I cried most of the way home, no radio turned on. My thoughts of holding a baby, who looked like me, my mom, my dad were clouded by his voice, saying no. It was a tough drive. Strangely, when I got home, there was a calmness to me. I jumped online and started looking for another doctor. OU Medical jumped up, and I called. The girl was super sweet and said it was just my luck, an appointment, was open for the next day. I made the appointment.
Right away, I like Dr. Hansen and his staff. They were all friendly, and he talked to me. He gave me another ultrasound, and he found more follicles, not a lot more, but a few more. 8 was better than 5. He said, he saw no reason, not to try an IUI, which is an Intrauterine Insemination. Basically, it's the doctor putting the sperm, right outside the fallopian tubes, and letting nature work it's course. First though, I needed an HSG, which is an Hysterosalpingography an X-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes, to make sure the tubes are working properly. It is an uncomfortable procedure, to say the least. They basically pump your uterus full of dye, while performing the X-ray. I was laid out on the table for about 20 minutes, while the doctor squeezed the dye in, which caused contractions. The first test was performed by an offsite doctor, and the results were inconclusive. Dr. Hansen said we could proceed, or do the test again. We chose to do the test again. So the very next day, I drove back up to the city, and had the test performed by Dr. Hansen. He concluded that the tube I did have, was open, but maybe not without some blockage. He still thought that IUI was the best course of action.
May 2012, my first IUI after a week of Clomid. I was crazy after the meds. They had me feeling very euphoric my first time. I was super excited and just knew, that I was going to be pregnant right away. Instead, I was met with a big fat negative. No time to cry about it though, it was time for the next try. Well, as most of you know, there were 4 failed IUI attempts, and each time the medicine made me meaner and depressed. I had headaches that put me flat on my back. After the fourth fail, it was time to discuss our options. Dr. Hansen and I spoke at length about IVF. He said my odds, were maybe 25%. Well, let's do it I said. There was no way I could give up without trying. This was in August, and it was a long 3 month wait to start my IVF cycle.
A couple of days before Thanksgiving, my box of drugs arrived. I cried just looking at them. I was scared and sad. Sad to be alone, trying to have a baby, and scared of all the shots I was about to endure. Thanksgiving was my first shot. Wasn't too bad, two shots a day. It wasn't until the third day, that I introduced a couple more shots in. In total, I had given myself 52 shots in 23 days, or something like that. I had appointments, just about every other day. They were checking my blood, and looking for over stimulation. My body responded very well, and I only had a few days of swelling and bruising. They harvested 6 eggs. 4 eggs were mature and two immature. Out of the 4, 3 of them fertilized. On day 2, they were doing very well, one Grade A and two Grade B. On the third day, when I went in for the transfer, all three were still doing great. One 4 cell grade B-, one 6 cell grade B, and one Morula.
That's when the wait began. Slowly minutes ticked by, day by day. Not knowing if it worked, was killing me. I started peeing on a stick the day after my procedure. I do not recommend this for anyone. :) It becomes the obsessive thing you do. Then you stare at the sticks, imagining lines when there aren't any. Only difference is, I did have a line. Day after day, that little line kept showing up. Then it started getting darker, and then finally the digital test said yes. That's right, you read that correctly.... I'm pregnant. Wait, let me say that just a little louder...I'm pregnant.
Merry Christmas
Thursday, December 20, 2012
My high rolling friend
Well, I'm still waiting, ever so patiently to find out the news on whether I'm pregnant, or not. Come on already Christmas!! So, today while out finishing my Christmas Shopping, I ran into an old friend and we laughed about the summer of 1985.
Summer, 1985. My mother was a pool player, and a good one at that. She had won her way to a National Pool tournament in Las Vegas. How excited was I, to go to Vegas. It was hot hot hot. I remember that so vividly. We arrived, and there wasn't much for me a kid to do. So I naturally, went in search of friends in the big pool hall, at the MGM grand. I made friends with a woman named Lee Meredith. She was the blonde, in the Miller Lite Commercials, that said "Oh, Mickey". I also, somehow, roped myself into working a booth, that served sodas. Never meet a stranger now, and never met a stranger then. I became pen pals with Lee, and I think it dropped off in High School. Need to ask Mammie. Anyway, I digress. I had a baby sitter one day, and she took me to Wet N Wild. It had just opened that year. While hanging out, I noticed a kid that looked really familiar to me. So of course, I went up to him. As I drew closer, I was sure it was my friend's younger brother. "Casey, is your sister here?" he looked up at me, and said, "um yeah, follow me". So off we go. We make it to the wave pool I think, and there is Candy Yoast, my friend from Will Rogers Elementary School. She is going into the 7th grade, and I'm going into the 5th grade. Her dad was a blackjack dealer, and they were there visiting for the summer. It was too cool, to be a million miles away from home, playing with my friend. I felt so cool.
Through the years, Candy and I would always run into each other. We looked a lot alike. Both were blue eyed brunettes, with long sometimes unruly curly hair. She called me up out of the blue one time, and said I have something for you. It was a fake ID. I used it until it expired or I turned 18, can't remember which happened first. :)
So today, I saw Candy and was 10 again. I was super cool. :)
Summer, 1985. My mother was a pool player, and a good one at that. She had won her way to a National Pool tournament in Las Vegas. How excited was I, to go to Vegas. It was hot hot hot. I remember that so vividly. We arrived, and there wasn't much for me a kid to do. So I naturally, went in search of friends in the big pool hall, at the MGM grand. I made friends with a woman named Lee Meredith. She was the blonde, in the Miller Lite Commercials, that said "Oh, Mickey". I also, somehow, roped myself into working a booth, that served sodas. Never meet a stranger now, and never met a stranger then. I became pen pals with Lee, and I think it dropped off in High School. Need to ask Mammie. Anyway, I digress. I had a baby sitter one day, and she took me to Wet N Wild. It had just opened that year. While hanging out, I noticed a kid that looked really familiar to me. So of course, I went up to him. As I drew closer, I was sure it was my friend's younger brother. "Casey, is your sister here?" he looked up at me, and said, "um yeah, follow me". So off we go. We make it to the wave pool I think, and there is Candy Yoast, my friend from Will Rogers Elementary School. She is going into the 7th grade, and I'm going into the 5th grade. Her dad was a blackjack dealer, and they were there visiting for the summer. It was too cool, to be a million miles away from home, playing with my friend. I felt so cool.
Through the years, Candy and I would always run into each other. We looked a lot alike. Both were blue eyed brunettes, with long sometimes unruly curly hair. She called me up out of the blue one time, and said I have something for you. It was a fake ID. I used it until it expired or I turned 18, can't remember which happened first. :)
So today, I saw Candy and was 10 again. I was super cool. :)
Monday, December 17, 2012
9dp3dt
The title should give you a hint, as to what my days consist of. Just go to any search engine, and you too can be sucked into the blogging world of Acronyms for fertility. :) What it means is, I'm 9 days past a 3 day transfer. At this point, I consider myself PUPO, which is Pregnant until proven otherwise. They put 3 embryos in, and until I have a blood test to tell me different, I'm trying to keep faith and just believe, that I am indeed pregnant. My stomach has finally cleared of all it's bruises and track marks from the gazillion shots. The swelling seems to have subsided as well. I'm wearing jeans today. Yippee
My progesterone in oil shots, are going very well. There was one episode of pain, only one though, out of almost 2 weeks of nightly shots, I'll take it. No bruising and no lumps. I've got two great girls giving me the shots. Both of them are nurses, and I'm so very thankful. Not only for their help, but their friendship as well. I've know Missy for 25 years and Erin and I are new friends. I don't know what I would do without either one of them. Getting to see them each day, is a bright spot.
So, no news to report. Not feeling anything, which is a good thing I suppose. No weird sensations, no pain. Except for the painful way, that time is going by, everything is good. I'm super excited about Christmas. That is when I will find out if this worked. Because of the holiday, I have to wait. But, I've waited this whole year, what's a few more days.
My progesterone in oil shots, are going very well. There was one episode of pain, only one though, out of almost 2 weeks of nightly shots, I'll take it. No bruising and no lumps. I've got two great girls giving me the shots. Both of them are nurses, and I'm so very thankful. Not only for their help, but their friendship as well. I've know Missy for 25 years and Erin and I are new friends. I don't know what I would do without either one of them. Getting to see them each day, is a bright spot.
So, no news to report. Not feeling anything, which is a good thing I suppose. No weird sensations, no pain. Except for the painful way, that time is going by, everything is good. I'm super excited about Christmas. That is when I will find out if this worked. Because of the holiday, I have to wait. But, I've waited this whole year, what's a few more days.
Sunday, December 09, 2012
And the final wait begins
Yesterday was the big day. I arrived to the Doctor's office a little excited, nervous, scared, but most of all ready. As you can see, I dressed for the occasion :) My shirt says, "Let's make babies"
They took me back and before we got started, they gave me my first pictures, of what could become my baby or babies.
The top left is a 4 cell Grade B-, which is a little slow for a day 3, but anything is possible. The bottom right is a 6 cell Grade B, which is right on track for a day 3. And the middle is what is called a Morula, they are rapidly dividing cells, which for day 3 is pretty fast. It could possibly burn out, before it is able to attach to the Uterine wall. Once again, anything is possible. Just seeing these, made my heart beat a little faster. It's so exciting to think, these could be the first pictures of my baby or babies ;)
I'm trying to stay positive and only think good thoughts, but the realist side of me, rears her ugly head, and plays devil's advocate. I'm just praying for good news. I know, I've done everything I can. I've fought almost this whole year, to get to this point. There have been many tears shed, and each one of them have been worth it, no matter the outcome. It's taught me so much more about myself, my family and my friends. It's also taught me, that if you truly want something, you will move mountains to make it happen. I'm hoping that it takes this first try, because I haven't made a plan B. I could always attempt again, but that will take a lot of soul searching, and maybe winning a small lottery jackpot. :) I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Thank you all, for taking this journey with me. Hopefully soon, you all get tired of the grossly cute baby pics. :)
They took me back and before we got started, they gave me my first pictures, of what could become my baby or babies.
The top left is a 4 cell Grade B-, which is a little slow for a day 3, but anything is possible. The bottom right is a 6 cell Grade B, which is right on track for a day 3. And the middle is what is called a Morula, they are rapidly dividing cells, which for day 3 is pretty fast. It could possibly burn out, before it is able to attach to the Uterine wall. Once again, anything is possible. Just seeing these, made my heart beat a little faster. It's so exciting to think, these could be the first pictures of my baby or babies ;)
I'm trying to stay positive and only think good thoughts, but the realist side of me, rears her ugly head, and plays devil's advocate. I'm just praying for good news. I know, I've done everything I can. I've fought almost this whole year, to get to this point. There have been many tears shed, and each one of them have been worth it, no matter the outcome. It's taught me so much more about myself, my family and my friends. It's also taught me, that if you truly want something, you will move mountains to make it happen. I'm hoping that it takes this first try, because I haven't made a plan B. I could always attempt again, but that will take a lot of soul searching, and maybe winning a small lottery jackpot. :) I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Thank you all, for taking this journey with me. Hopefully soon, you all get tired of the grossly cute baby pics. :)
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