Who to pick?

I really never thought it would be this hard to pick a baby daddy.  When you grow up, you never think you are going to be looking at lists of characteristics and statistics.  It's hard.  Trying to figure out what is most important to you.  I never knew how picky I am.  Maybe, should have been more picky in picking my dates, and I wouldn't be in this situation.  :)

At least they don't know when I reject them.

Blessings in disguise.

I'm blessed.  It's a simple statement, but I truly feel that.  Not everyday mind you, some days, I feel like the world is spinning out of control.  Can't keep it together and would rather crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head.  There are days, that seem to last for weeks.  Days that I search for answers, and all I find are more questions.  Some days I feel alone.  Completely and utterly in the dark.  Nothing anyone says, can fix it.  It's those days, that I question everything.  Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose?  I look back at my life, and I beat myself up for every failure, every bad decision.  I cry, get angry, depressed.  I wonder to myself, is there really a God.  I think of my friends who don't believe.  They just walk through life, and don't seem to question.  It's like they are let off the hook.  Then, I think "oh crap", did I just question God?  Then I cry out to him.  "Please help me", "answer me", "Please God, show me your way".  I don't always hear an answer, usually I don't hear an answer.  I'm finally starting to realize, it is probably because I truly haven't been listening for one.  There are things that happen each day, that reveal his existence.  But as we age and become smarter (stupid) and closed off to miracles and small joys, we don't always see what is right in front of us.  It's easier to think " we got this", " I don't need anyone".

This journey that I'm on, is not for the faint of heart.  I'm nervous, excited, scared.  What if it doesn't work?  What if my body doesn't produce enough eggs?  There are so many what ifs.  That's why I choose to walk in Faith.  I can't explain faith to anyone, especially the non believers.  They can poke holes in my faith faster than I can think of a response.  Faith is not science, it can't be explained.  It's just there.  It comes from years of seeing miracles, the unexplained.

I was driving down the road the other day, contemplating all these thoughts, and a song came on the radio.  I almost had to pull over and stop, because the tears flowed freely from my eyes.  It was God saying to me, "I'm here, you aren't alone, I hear your cries".  Here's to hoping you hear the same thing.  :)

Trying to make home a better place.

Being on this journey, trying to become a mother, has brought out other interests in my life.  Writing this blog, has helped unblock my voice.  I don't remember when I lost it, but it seems to be coming back.

Living in Lawton has it's advantages, and it's huge downfalls.  I don't worry about traffic, by that I mean, I don't imagine dying in a 20 car pile up, caused by excessive speed.  Yes, sometimes the person in front of me sleeps the green light, and I scream at them to move, but for the most part, it's not bad.  It only takes 15 minutes to get anywhere.  Mom's house, dad's house, work... and really, it's only 5, but the drivers are slow, and my lead foot has got me in trouble before.  The cost of living is low, way below the standard around places I've lived before.  My house might be little, but I love it.  The location and the ability to change things and create.  Having my family right here close, I never knew how much I missed them, until I came back.  Friends, there aren't as many here as I'd like, but the ones that are here, are appreciated so much.  It's nice to go somewhere, and usually know at least one person there.  Now, the downfalls, almost every time you go somewhere, someone knows you.  And they usually remember something, that I'd rather them forget.  My most hated sentence I hear, "Hey Starr, do you remember what you did or said last night?".  This is usually the day after I imbibed a little too much.  Heck no, I don't want to know, that's the whole point in drinking too much.  Who are these people and why are they remembering, what I want to forget.  Places to go out, there aren't many.  Sure we have lot's of little bars and the chain restaurants, but when it comes to culture, art, music that isn't country, there isn't much to choose from.  Maybe it's just me, and I've crossed over to the age, where I want something different.

In the 15 years, that I traipsed across the US in search of home, Lawton did not change much.  I think there are a few restaurants and a new Wal Mart.  That's not really what you would expect, especially with Ft. Sill growing and Cameron becoming a great place for higher education.  Cache is growing in leaps and bounds, Lawton should be much further along than we are.  I'm not sure what happened, but now that I'm trying to stay here, without dying of boredom, it's time to take action.  It would be nice to have choices without driving to OKC or Wichita Falls.  I know there are a lot of people who feel the same way.  It's just getting us all together and on the same page.  Standing as one, and telling our leaders, what we as a community want.

I haven't felt this passionate about something since I ran for Student Council President in 9th grade.  I'm not sure that I accomplished anything then, or if I will now, but I'm still willing to try.  If Lawton is going to be my home, I want it to be a community I'm proud of.

I have just visited GoPetition and found the following page very interesting:

http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/bring-target-to-lawton.html

Oh Boy(s)!

The reason why I'm doing this family thing solo.  There are tons of reasons, that I'm still single.  Partly my fault, but the true fault, lies in timing and execution.  I've had boyfriends, lovers, friends, whatever you want to call them.  Even an ex husband, but that was so long ago.  I've been divorced almost 16 years.  It doesn't seem possible that it's been so long.  I've never really truly believed in one "soul mate".  I think that as you go through life, you evolve and change.  If you are with someone, and they don't evolve at the same rate as you, or your ideas don't agree with each other, it's ok to let that relationship go.  You shouldn't force yourself to stay tied to an idea.  Now, I'm not advocating just moving on at the first sign of discord, but you should evaluate the situation.  Each person is different.

My mother and father divorced when I was two years old.  My dad remarried two years later, and has now been married to my step-mom for 32 years.  My mother on the other hand took a different route.  My father was her 3rd husband, she married him at the age of 22.  She went on to marry 4 more times.  Yes, she has been married 7 times.  Now, I must say she finally picked a winner and my step-dad and her, have been married 18 years.  I have 3 brothers, an older step-brother and two younger half-brothers.  My step-mom's boys, both met their wives when they were teenagers.  My older brother has been married for almost 23 years, and my youngest brother has been married for 8 years, but has been with his wife since he was 16 years old.  My middle brother, he dated for years, but married his high school love a few years ago.  I tell you all this, to show that each of us is different.

Now me, oh how I love boys.  I've always been boy crazy.  My mother has a picture of me kissing a little boy when I was 4.  There was never a shortage of boys for me to have a crush on.  I wanted to be their friends and hang out.  Never thought I would be single this long, though.  It seems as if the pool of available men has dried up.  Now, I know that's not the case, but my tastes have changed.  When I used to date older, now I prefer younger.  :)  Living in Lawton, doesn't give you many options either.  So many military and transient fellas.  Nothing against my men in uniform, but I'm not going to pick up and leave.  I've got a business, a house, my family, too many things that make Lawton the place to call home.

All this leads to my reason for creating my family from one.  Trying to find a guy, hope it's right and then rush into a family, is not the way for me to do things.  The pressure to settle down is horrible.  I want to be with a man because he makes me happy and I can't live without him, not because he can give me a baby.  So, I'll take the pressure off, not only the guys, but myself.  To be honest, it is a relief to not stress about a guy.  For once in my life, I'm not trying to be on my best behavior.  :)  I'm living an honest life.  Knowing that gives me the peace of mind to follow my dreams, and create my family from one.

Stubborn but Open

Thank you Lord for answered prayers. A new HSG revealed, that indeed my Fallopian tube is open, maybe a little stubborn, but still open. So now moving on to the next step in the process. SHOPPING!! No, not new fancy clothes or shiny gadgets. I'm talking about Sperm. Yes, I'm excited about Sperm. :) I never thought those words would escape from my lips.

So, time to scour the sperm banks and find my baby daddy!!

Inconclusive results from HSG

Great! Finally received the phone call at 5:20 pm today. My doctor was reviewing disk that held the pictures from my HSG X-ray performed on Friday. He cannot say with any certainty, that the Fallopian tube is open or blocked. Now I have 3 options, the first is to act as if it is open, and try for pregnancy. Second option is to have a laparoscopic procedure, which includes me being knocked out. Or finally, the third option, repeat the HSG with him administering the test. I've chosen door number three. Because, you have to have this test performed at a certain time during your cycle, my window of opportunity is tomorrow. Praying he has an opening and can squeeze me in. If not, I'll have to wait until the middle of May.

Here are some pictures from the first HSG. Kind of gives you an idea of how small of an area they are looking at.

Prepared Procrastinator

So, finally getting started on this blog.  Was supposed to start it around the end of March, but just couldn't find the time.  Blogging, laying it all out there.  I'm pretty good at that, in my everyday life, but really wanted a different venue, to post my thoughts and tell you all the great and not so great things going on.  

One of my nicknames is Hammy.  As in the squirrel, from the movie Over the Hedge.  He has lot's of energy and can't concentrate on one thing.  He is always up to something, but nothing at all.  That is pretty much me, all over the place.  This blog will be about the past, present and what I hope to be my future.  There are aspects of my past, that have a definite and direct tie, into the woman I am today, and also the struggles I face.  Then there are parts of my past, that were just random moments in time, that seem to have no bearing on today.  They are just funny stories that happened along the way.

So away we go..... I'm 37 years old, single with no children.  I'm working on the no children thing.  I've been talking about it for years.  The joke started at least 5 years ago.  I'd be the most likely out of all my friends to try IVF with a sperm donor.  I started researching online, but invariably, something would always come up.  Finally last year, I moved closer to actually doing it.  Went to a fertility doctor in Lawton and inquired about what I would need to do.  The answer was, "sure we can do that.  When you start your cycle, give us a call and schedule your insemination.  Have the sperm shipped here."  Hmmmmm, seemed a little to nonchalant and easy if you ask me.  Having a prior ruptured ectopic pregnancy, that resulted in losing one fallopian tube, I knew there was going to be more to the process.  So, I waited and prayed about it.  Shortly, and I mean within the week, met a wonderful guy, who promised me the world.  Problem was he was going to Afghanistan.  No problem, I would just wait for him to come home.  Second problem was realized way too late, he was married.  His wife emailed me in December.  So, back to square one.  This time I decided to go to Oklahoma City and find myself a new fertility doctor.  

Doctor # 1

He like to tell stories.  A normal woman age 40, a normal woman age 25...never quite addressed me.  Still, he did an ultrasound, and discovered 5 follicles.  To me, 5 sounded great, you only need one, right?  Well, in our talk, he expressed his opinion that after I had a blood test, it would reveal to him that I have POR, which is Poor Ovarian Reserve.  Basically, my eggs were old, and the quality and quantity were not going to be good.  I left the appointment feeling discouraged and without hope.  They called a week later with the results to my AMH, Anti-Mullerian Hormone test.  .25    I hung up the phone and cried.  Very low fertility is 0.0-2.0    They scheduled a follow up appt for the following Monday.  Let's just say, Tequila and I had a very long talk on Saturday.  At the follow up appt, he kept telling stories about normal women ages 25 and 40.  Basically said, if you want to try IVF, it's expensive and it starts in June, so I need to know soon.  I left there feeling pretty low.  Came home and got on the computer.  Had to have more answers and soon.  That's when I found Doctor #2

Doctor #2

He had an opening two days later.  What a breath of fresh air.  He was younger and much more attentive to me.  Answered all my questions, some of which I got from reading Google, WebMd, random blogs, rants...He then wanted to do another Ultrasound.  He found more follicles, 4 on each ovary, which 8 is better than 5.  He ordered some blood tests and wanted me to schedule and HSG, which is an Hysterosalpingogram.  It's an X-ray with contrasting dye of my uterus and fallopian tube.  He said as long as the tube was clear, it's a go to try IUI, which is Inter Uterine Insemination.  I left there feeling like I was on cloud nine.  

So, the HSG was not good, and the one tube I have is partially blocked.  I'm awaiting news from my doctor to let me know what's next.  Possibly surgery to repair tube, or skip that and go straight to IVF, which bypasses the tube completely.  

This procrastinator is done putting things off.  Well, the important things anyway.  Even though I mentally prepared for years, the life I was going to have, I forgot to take steps to ensure things were working properly.  So for all the ladies out there like me, getting older (even if you don't admit it) go get checked if you are putting off having children, until the time is right.  There is a simple blood test.  Ask for an AMH blood test.  It is a strong indicator of your Ovarian Reserve.  Knowing your numbers will help you avoid what this procrastinator has learned.