Where to begin... I'll start at the end of 2011. It was truly a turning point for me. I learned my Scottish boyfriend, was not who he said he was, and he was married in early December. That month was kind of a blur. Lots of tears and soul searching. I decided then and there, that it was time, I started being proactive, in what I truly wanted in life.
February, 2012 was my first appointment with a fertility doctor in Oklahoma City. He did some blood work and an ultrasound. After the appt, he sat me down and talked chances and what he found. Basically, he told me that my ultrasound showed only 5 follicles, which was indicative of Poor Ovarian Reserve. He expected the blood work to confirm that. He told me, to just wait for his phone call in a few days, then we would discuss my options. I went out to the parking lot, barely holding myself together. Called my dad and started crying. Came home and started researching everything he had told me. The blood test was an AMH test, and low numbers, were not good.
He calls back and schedules follow up appointment. I asked the nurse my number, she hesitated telling me, but I asked again. My AMH was a .2 On a scale from 0-5, I was .2 away from Zero fertility. I hung up the phone and once again cried my eyes out. Next day was my appointment. I arrived, and exactly like I thought, the doctor told me my chances of having a child were pretty slim. Now, there was the option of using donor eggs. Then he rattled off numbers saying " in normal women, age 40 the chances of success are..." " In normal women, age 35 the chances of success are...". Basically, he was saying everything that didn't pertain to me. He said whatever I chose, I needed to make a decision quick, because his next IVF started in June and it was expensive. I wanted out of his office and away from him. I knew that regardless of what I chose, it would not involve him. I cried most of the way home, no radio turned on. My thoughts of holding a baby, who looked like me, my mom, my dad were clouded by his voice, saying no. It was a tough drive. Strangely, when I got home, there was a calmness to me. I jumped online and started looking for another doctor. OU Medical jumped up, and I called. The girl was super sweet and said it was just my luck, an appointment, was open for the next day. I made the appointment.
Right away, I like Dr. Hansen and his staff. They were all friendly, and he talked to me. He gave me another ultrasound, and he found more follicles, not a lot more, but a few more. 8 was better than 5. He said, he saw no reason, not to try an IUI, which is an Intrauterine Insemination. Basically, it's the doctor putting the sperm, right outside the fallopian tubes, and letting nature work it's course. First though, I needed an HSG, which is an Hysterosalpingography an X-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes, to make sure the tubes are working properly. It is an uncomfortable procedure, to say the least. They basically pump your uterus full of dye, while performing the X-ray. I was laid out on the table for about 20 minutes, while the doctor squeezed the dye in, which caused contractions. The first test was performed by an offsite doctor, and the results were inconclusive. Dr. Hansen said we could proceed, or do the test again. We chose to do the test again. So the very next day, I drove back up to the city, and had the test performed by Dr. Hansen. He concluded that the tube I did have, was open, but maybe not without some blockage. He still thought that IUI was the best course of action.
May 2012, my first IUI after a week of Clomid. I was crazy after the meds. They had me feeling very euphoric my first time. I was super excited and just knew, that I was going to be pregnant right away. Instead, I was met with a big fat negative. No time to cry about it though, it was time for the next try. Well, as most of you know, there were 4 failed IUI attempts, and each time the medicine made me meaner and depressed. I had headaches that put me flat on my back. After the fourth fail, it was time to discuss our options. Dr. Hansen and I spoke at length about IVF. He said my odds, were maybe 25%. Well, let's do it I said. There was no way I could give up without trying. This was in August, and it was a long 3 month wait to start my IVF cycle.
A couple of days before Thanksgiving, my box of drugs arrived. I cried just looking at them. I was scared and sad. Sad to be alone, trying to have a baby, and scared of all the shots I was about to endure. Thanksgiving was my first shot. Wasn't too bad, two shots a day. It wasn't until the third day, that I introduced a couple more shots in. In total, I had given myself 52 shots in 23 days, or something like that. I had appointments, just about every other day. They were checking my blood, and looking for over stimulation. My body responded very well, and I only had a few days of swelling and bruising. They harvested 6 eggs. 4 eggs were mature and two immature. Out of the 4, 3 of them fertilized. On day 2, they were doing very well, one Grade A and two Grade B. On the third day, when I went in for the transfer, all three were still doing great. One 4 cell grade B-, one 6 cell grade B, and one Morula.
That's when the wait began. Slowly minutes ticked by, day by day. Not knowing if it worked, was killing me. I started peeing on a stick the day after my procedure. I do not recommend this for anyone. :) It becomes the obsessive thing you do. Then you stare at the sticks, imagining lines when there aren't any. Only difference is, I did have a line. Day after day, that little line kept showing up. Then it started getting darker, and then finally the digital test said yes. That's right, you read that correctly.... I'm pregnant. Wait, let me say that just a little louder...I'm pregnant.
Merry Christmas
Monday, December 24, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
My high rolling friend
Well, I'm still waiting, ever so patiently to find out the news on whether I'm pregnant, or not. Come on already Christmas!! So, today while out finishing my Christmas Shopping, I ran into an old friend and we laughed about the summer of 1985.
Summer, 1985. My mother was a pool player, and a good one at that. She had won her way to a National Pool tournament in Las Vegas. How excited was I, to go to Vegas. It was hot hot hot. I remember that so vividly. We arrived, and there wasn't much for me a kid to do. So I naturally, went in search of friends in the big pool hall, at the MGM grand. I made friends with a woman named Lee Meredith. She was the blonde, in the Miller Lite Commercials, that said "Oh, Mickey". I also, somehow, roped myself into working a booth, that served sodas. Never meet a stranger now, and never met a stranger then. I became pen pals with Lee, and I think it dropped off in High School. Need to ask Mammie. Anyway, I digress. I had a baby sitter one day, and she took me to Wet N Wild. It had just opened that year. While hanging out, I noticed a kid that looked really familiar to me. So of course, I went up to him. As I drew closer, I was sure it was my friend's younger brother. "Casey, is your sister here?" he looked up at me, and said, "um yeah, follow me". So off we go. We make it to the wave pool I think, and there is Candy Yoast, my friend from Will Rogers Elementary School. She is going into the 7th grade, and I'm going into the 5th grade. Her dad was a blackjack dealer, and they were there visiting for the summer. It was too cool, to be a million miles away from home, playing with my friend. I felt so cool.
Through the years, Candy and I would always run into each other. We looked a lot alike. Both were blue eyed brunettes, with long sometimes unruly curly hair. She called me up out of the blue one time, and said I have something for you. It was a fake ID. I used it until it expired or I turned 18, can't remember which happened first. :)
So today, I saw Candy and was 10 again. I was super cool. :)
Summer, 1985. My mother was a pool player, and a good one at that. She had won her way to a National Pool tournament in Las Vegas. How excited was I, to go to Vegas. It was hot hot hot. I remember that so vividly. We arrived, and there wasn't much for me a kid to do. So I naturally, went in search of friends in the big pool hall, at the MGM grand. I made friends with a woman named Lee Meredith. She was the blonde, in the Miller Lite Commercials, that said "Oh, Mickey". I also, somehow, roped myself into working a booth, that served sodas. Never meet a stranger now, and never met a stranger then. I became pen pals with Lee, and I think it dropped off in High School. Need to ask Mammie. Anyway, I digress. I had a baby sitter one day, and she took me to Wet N Wild. It had just opened that year. While hanging out, I noticed a kid that looked really familiar to me. So of course, I went up to him. As I drew closer, I was sure it was my friend's younger brother. "Casey, is your sister here?" he looked up at me, and said, "um yeah, follow me". So off we go. We make it to the wave pool I think, and there is Candy Yoast, my friend from Will Rogers Elementary School. She is going into the 7th grade, and I'm going into the 5th grade. Her dad was a blackjack dealer, and they were there visiting for the summer. It was too cool, to be a million miles away from home, playing with my friend. I felt so cool.
Through the years, Candy and I would always run into each other. We looked a lot alike. Both were blue eyed brunettes, with long sometimes unruly curly hair. She called me up out of the blue one time, and said I have something for you. It was a fake ID. I used it until it expired or I turned 18, can't remember which happened first. :)
So today, I saw Candy and was 10 again. I was super cool. :)
Monday, December 17, 2012
9dp3dt
The title should give you a hint, as to what my days consist of. Just go to any search engine, and you too can be sucked into the blogging world of Acronyms for fertility. :) What it means is, I'm 9 days past a 3 day transfer. At this point, I consider myself PUPO, which is Pregnant until proven otherwise. They put 3 embryos in, and until I have a blood test to tell me different, I'm trying to keep faith and just believe, that I am indeed pregnant. My stomach has finally cleared of all it's bruises and track marks from the gazillion shots. The swelling seems to have subsided as well. I'm wearing jeans today. Yippee
My progesterone in oil shots, are going very well. There was one episode of pain, only one though, out of almost 2 weeks of nightly shots, I'll take it. No bruising and no lumps. I've got two great girls giving me the shots. Both of them are nurses, and I'm so very thankful. Not only for their help, but their friendship as well. I've know Missy for 25 years and Erin and I are new friends. I don't know what I would do without either one of them. Getting to see them each day, is a bright spot.
So, no news to report. Not feeling anything, which is a good thing I suppose. No weird sensations, no pain. Except for the painful way, that time is going by, everything is good. I'm super excited about Christmas. That is when I will find out if this worked. Because of the holiday, I have to wait. But, I've waited this whole year, what's a few more days.
My progesterone in oil shots, are going very well. There was one episode of pain, only one though, out of almost 2 weeks of nightly shots, I'll take it. No bruising and no lumps. I've got two great girls giving me the shots. Both of them are nurses, and I'm so very thankful. Not only for their help, but their friendship as well. I've know Missy for 25 years and Erin and I are new friends. I don't know what I would do without either one of them. Getting to see them each day, is a bright spot.
So, no news to report. Not feeling anything, which is a good thing I suppose. No weird sensations, no pain. Except for the painful way, that time is going by, everything is good. I'm super excited about Christmas. That is when I will find out if this worked. Because of the holiday, I have to wait. But, I've waited this whole year, what's a few more days.
Sunday, December 09, 2012
And the final wait begins
Yesterday was the big day. I arrived to the Doctor's office a little excited, nervous, scared, but most of all ready. As you can see, I dressed for the occasion :) My shirt says, "Let's make babies"
They took me back and before we got started, they gave me my first pictures, of what could become my baby or babies.
The top left is a 4 cell Grade B-, which is a little slow for a day 3, but anything is possible. The bottom right is a 6 cell Grade B, which is right on track for a day 3. And the middle is what is called a Morula, they are rapidly dividing cells, which for day 3 is pretty fast. It could possibly burn out, before it is able to attach to the Uterine wall. Once again, anything is possible. Just seeing these, made my heart beat a little faster. It's so exciting to think, these could be the first pictures of my baby or babies ;)
I'm trying to stay positive and only think good thoughts, but the realist side of me, rears her ugly head, and plays devil's advocate. I'm just praying for good news. I know, I've done everything I can. I've fought almost this whole year, to get to this point. There have been many tears shed, and each one of them have been worth it, no matter the outcome. It's taught me so much more about myself, my family and my friends. It's also taught me, that if you truly want something, you will move mountains to make it happen. I'm hoping that it takes this first try, because I haven't made a plan B. I could always attempt again, but that will take a lot of soul searching, and maybe winning a small lottery jackpot. :) I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Thank you all, for taking this journey with me. Hopefully soon, you all get tired of the grossly cute baby pics. :)
They took me back and before we got started, they gave me my first pictures, of what could become my baby or babies.
The top left is a 4 cell Grade B-, which is a little slow for a day 3, but anything is possible. The bottom right is a 6 cell Grade B, which is right on track for a day 3. And the middle is what is called a Morula, they are rapidly dividing cells, which for day 3 is pretty fast. It could possibly burn out, before it is able to attach to the Uterine wall. Once again, anything is possible. Just seeing these, made my heart beat a little faster. It's so exciting to think, these could be the first pictures of my baby or babies ;)
I'm trying to stay positive and only think good thoughts, but the realist side of me, rears her ugly head, and plays devil's advocate. I'm just praying for good news. I know, I've done everything I can. I've fought almost this whole year, to get to this point. There have been many tears shed, and each one of them have been worth it, no matter the outcome. It's taught me so much more about myself, my family and my friends. It's also taught me, that if you truly want something, you will move mountains to make it happen. I'm hoping that it takes this first try, because I haven't made a plan B. I could always attempt again, but that will take a lot of soul searching, and maybe winning a small lottery jackpot. :) I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Thank you all, for taking this journey with me. Hopefully soon, you all get tired of the grossly cute baby pics. :)
Friday, December 07, 2012
It's time.
Oh my goodness, oh my goodness. So they called, and it's a go. I'm headed to the Doctor in the morning, to have my eggs transferred back in. All 3 are awesome. One is a Grade A- and the other 2 are Grade B. Not really sure what all that means, but she said it was great. There is still a miracle that has to happen, which is implantation, but I'm on my way. Thank you all for your prayers and texts. I'll try and give you some posts in the next couple of weeks, but I might just lay low and pray a lot. Christmas is going to be the day I find out.
I'm going to get my babies!!! :)
I'm going to get my babies!!! :)
Bringing you up to speed.
Oh my gosh, time is going so slowly. Had my surgery Wednesday morning. I woke up asking how many eggs. They harvested 6 eggs, but they didn't know any more than that. So back home I go. Wednesday evening took forever, and of course I started my next round of shots. Progesterone in oil, in the buttocks or hip area. 22 ga needle 1 1/2 in length. So far my friend Erin has given me the shots, and she is wonderful. I've only almost passed out once. That's pretty good. Pretty sure, that it was anxiety and the left over meds from the surgery on Wednesday.
So, wake up Thursday. Morning time goes by at a snails pace. My brain wouldn't work, watching TV was driving me crazy, couldn't relax. The Lortab were not working, and I was just mush. Finally, I start to relax around 2, when the phone rings. I look over and see the Doctor's number. My heart stops for a second, and I hold my breath. She says hi and asks how I am. Come on already, no small talk, just give it to me (that's what I was thinking) but what I said was, I'm great, how are you? So, she tells me they harvested 6 eggs, 4 were mature and 2 were immature and 3 of them fertilized. I started shaking, and the tears rushed to my eyes. My voice quivered as I wanted to know more, but there was nothing else for her to say. She said it was good. Just hold tight, and they'll call me on Friday.
It's Friday...... I woke up at 4 am. Did laundry, dishes, read the paper, watched about 6 episodes of Family Feud. This day is dragging by. I'm listening to music, I'm thinking of everything but my possible children in OKC, sitting in a Petri Dish.
I've prayed, cried, prayed some more. My friends are praying, there might even be a few of my atheist friends who have prayed. I can feel it :)
So, you know as much as me at this point. I hope to have some more news soon. And Good news at that.
So, wake up Thursday. Morning time goes by at a snails pace. My brain wouldn't work, watching TV was driving me crazy, couldn't relax. The Lortab were not working, and I was just mush. Finally, I start to relax around 2, when the phone rings. I look over and see the Doctor's number. My heart stops for a second, and I hold my breath. She says hi and asks how I am. Come on already, no small talk, just give it to me (that's what I was thinking) but what I said was, I'm great, how are you? So, she tells me they harvested 6 eggs, 4 were mature and 2 were immature and 3 of them fertilized. I started shaking, and the tears rushed to my eyes. My voice quivered as I wanted to know more, but there was nothing else for her to say. She said it was good. Just hold tight, and they'll call me on Friday.
It's Friday...... I woke up at 4 am. Did laundry, dishes, read the paper, watched about 6 episodes of Family Feud. This day is dragging by. I'm listening to music, I'm thinking of everything but my possible children in OKC, sitting in a Petri Dish.
I've prayed, cried, prayed some more. My friends are praying, there might even be a few of my atheist friends who have prayed. I can feel it :)
So, you know as much as me at this point. I hope to have some more news soon. And Good news at that.
Monday, December 03, 2012
Half way there.
I can't believe it. Finished up my stim shots about an hour ago. I can remember receiving them in the mail, and wondering how in the world I would ever make it. Well, it's over. Pretty sure that's the easy part. There is actually one more shot at 11 p.m. It is the HCG trigger shot. So, it gets the ball rolling. I'm scheduled for surgery Wednesday morning. I'm excited, for surgery. Well, for one, they are giving me drugs, to make me feel loopy. Never turn down drugs ( now kids, I don't mean fun recreational drugs, oh wait, drugs are not fun!!! Never fun) Just, when the doctor is there, and wants to make you feel warm and fuzzy, let him. The second reason, is they are harvesting eggs. There are eggs in there. Well, hopefully there are eggs in there. Random cases of no eggs retrieved have been reported, but by golly, I believe there are 6 beautiful eggs, just waiting to be introduced to donor number %^$#. ( sorry for all the symbols, but to protect the identity of the anonymous donor, I won't reveal his number) He is not completely hidden, but I am not allowed to try and find him. Only my child can when he/she turns 18.
I'm so much in awe of what these doctors and nurses do. They study for years, and then they practice getting better at their field. The human body is such a wondrous thing.
I am a firm believer in Science, but I am an even firmer believer in the Creator of all things, God. I, deep in my soul and heart, know that he gives people talents. So when people say, "If God wanted you to get pregnant, or have a child, you will". I agree, but sometimes everyone needs a little help. He has given me that, by the team I've come to know over the past 8 months. I'm thankful for all of them. I'll be even more thankful, if we have success and there is a baby or two. Now, if there are 3 babies, I might not send them any Christmas cards. I'll be in shock for one, and broke forever. :)
So, for my surgery the nurse told me to bring my music and have a playlist. I've really had fun putting it together, and all my friends on facebook helped. You have to have fun with life. Every day, you need to laugh and smile. Every day, you should try and make someone else laugh and smile. So, here is my playlist:
Pregnant Women are Smug~Garfunkel and Oates
Black Water~The Doobie Brothers
Baby Got Back~Sir Mix-A-Lot
All That She Wants~Ace of Base
Find My Baby for Me~Roy Orbison & Sonny Burgess
Baby Likes to Rock It~The Tractors
Wildest Moments~Jessie Ware
I Say a Little Prayer~Aretha Franklin
You Are~Lionel Ritchie(feat Blake Shelton)
Baby~ Justin Bieber
I Got the Feeling~James Brown
Baby Come Back~Player
Baby, You're Right~James Brown
Be My Baby~The Ronettes
Don't Worry Baby~The Beach Boys
Baby Be Mine~Michael Jackson
Keep You Safe~JJ Heller
The Very Thought of You~JJ Heller
The Baby~Blake Shelton
Boogie Child~Bee Gees
Here I am Baby~The Marvelettes
This is the Day~Laura Story
Wait Til You See My Smile~Alicia Keys
Baby Mine~SHeDAISY
Baby, Baby, Baby~ Aretha Franklin
Back in Time~Back in Time
I'll leave everyone with the funniest of the songs, and a cute video to boot.
I'm so much in awe of what these doctors and nurses do. They study for years, and then they practice getting better at their field. The human body is such a wondrous thing.
I am a firm believer in Science, but I am an even firmer believer in the Creator of all things, God. I, deep in my soul and heart, know that he gives people talents. So when people say, "If God wanted you to get pregnant, or have a child, you will". I agree, but sometimes everyone needs a little help. He has given me that, by the team I've come to know over the past 8 months. I'm thankful for all of them. I'll be even more thankful, if we have success and there is a baby or two. Now, if there are 3 babies, I might not send them any Christmas cards. I'll be in shock for one, and broke forever. :)
So, for my surgery the nurse told me to bring my music and have a playlist. I've really had fun putting it together, and all my friends on facebook helped. You have to have fun with life. Every day, you need to laugh and smile. Every day, you should try and make someone else laugh and smile. So, here is my playlist:
Pregnant Women are Smug~Garfunkel and Oates
Black Water~The Doobie Brothers
Baby Got Back~Sir Mix-A-Lot
All That She Wants~Ace of Base
Find My Baby for Me~Roy Orbison & Sonny Burgess
Baby Likes to Rock It~The Tractors
Wildest Moments~Jessie Ware
I Say a Little Prayer~Aretha Franklin
You Are~Lionel Ritchie(feat Blake Shelton)
Baby~ Justin Bieber
I Got the Feeling~James Brown
Baby Come Back~Player
Baby, You're Right~James Brown
Be My Baby~The Ronettes
Don't Worry Baby~The Beach Boys
Baby Be Mine~Michael Jackson
Keep You Safe~JJ Heller
The Very Thought of You~JJ Heller
The Baby~Blake Shelton
Boogie Child~Bee Gees
Here I am Baby~The Marvelettes
This is the Day~Laura Story
Wait Til You See My Smile~Alicia Keys
Baby Mine~SHeDAISY
Baby, Baby, Baby~ Aretha Franklin
Back in Time~Back in Time
I'll leave everyone with the funniest of the songs, and a cute video to boot.
Saturday, December 01, 2012
I love needles
Good Stuff
It's been a few days. I was going to try and blog every night, but the exhaustion has been incredible. I'm 7 days in to Stims, and I'm feeling pretty good. I've had some crazy bruising on my belly. Do not keep stabbing yourself in the same spot. Duly noted!
Wednesday was my first doctor's appointment with Ultrasound. Feeling nervous would be the understatement. Good news! I couldn't believe it, and at the same time, I expected it. 6 Follicles growing. 4 on the right and 2 on the left. There are some smaller antral follicles, but they were about half the size of the growing follies. The doctor said he was pleased with the progress, so we continue on with the same dosage. They drew some blood and I floated out the door. :) I had to race across town to the Heart Hospital, because my dad did not listen to me, when I told him, this was to be a stress free time for me. How dare he need some attention. :) His doctor came out, and continued with the theme of good news. He needed a stent replaced, and he is going to be back to his ornery self. :) He's home and I couldn't be happier. Even though he cheated, with the wishbone debacle, my wish came true. His heart and life are what's most important to me.
Friday, next doctor's appointment. After the excitement of Wednesday and all the good news, I did not have a good feeling. The exhaustion and lack of sleep, had me feeling bitchy and mean. But, I went anyway :) The first words out of the doctor's mouth were, "your ovaries really like this medication". I wanted to lay there and cry. Those words meant the world to me. Yes, there are still so many things that have to go right. Like having good eggs for one, but each day that bears good news, is one step closer to realizing my dream. My blood work came back wonderful as well.
So here we sit on a Saturday morning, looking around at my house. For the first time, I'm starting to allow myself to envision toys strewn about the room, chaos and the laughter and crying of a baby. For years and years and years, that has always just been a thought, but never did I think that it would happen. I'm trying really hard not to get overly excited, but you have to have hope. And if I'm being honest, my Faith is starting to grow a little each day.
Wednesday was my first doctor's appointment with Ultrasound. Feeling nervous would be the understatement. Good news! I couldn't believe it, and at the same time, I expected it. 6 Follicles growing. 4 on the right and 2 on the left. There are some smaller antral follicles, but they were about half the size of the growing follies. The doctor said he was pleased with the progress, so we continue on with the same dosage. They drew some blood and I floated out the door. :) I had to race across town to the Heart Hospital, because my dad did not listen to me, when I told him, this was to be a stress free time for me. How dare he need some attention. :) His doctor came out, and continued with the theme of good news. He needed a stent replaced, and he is going to be back to his ornery self. :) He's home and I couldn't be happier. Even though he cheated, with the wishbone debacle, my wish came true. His heart and life are what's most important to me.
Friday, next doctor's appointment. After the excitement of Wednesday and all the good news, I did not have a good feeling. The exhaustion and lack of sleep, had me feeling bitchy and mean. But, I went anyway :) The first words out of the doctor's mouth were, "your ovaries really like this medication". I wanted to lay there and cry. Those words meant the world to me. Yes, there are still so many things that have to go right. Like having good eggs for one, but each day that bears good news, is one step closer to realizing my dream. My blood work came back wonderful as well.
So here we sit on a Saturday morning, looking around at my house. For the first time, I'm starting to allow myself to envision toys strewn about the room, chaos and the laughter and crying of a baby. For years and years and years, that has always just been a thought, but never did I think that it would happen. I'm trying really hard not to get overly excited, but you have to have hope. And if I'm being honest, my Faith is starting to grow a little each day.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Feeling Ok
About to head in and take my shots for the evening. Feeling ok, my stomach is pretty tender, but not horrible. Having this time over the holiday, to relax and not needing to be anywhere, has made this much easier to deal with. Tomorrow though, starts the hectic back and forth to Dr's appointments in the City. There are many other things happening this week, that are pulling my emotions in different ways. Please keep my family in your prayers.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
First day of Stims
Just finished stabbing myself in the stomach 3 times. Sounds like fun, huh? No, ah come on. It wasn't that bad. Actually called my dad and talked to him for two of them. He was like, "just do it already, 1,2 stick". So softly supportive, NOT :) Thank goodness though. Sometimes you just need the "man up" pep talk. Before I called him, was listening to some slow Christian music. Now, I'm not saying it wasn't good, but I'm already weepy, and it was not making me smile, if you know what I mean. The two new drugs, burned a little. Nothing like fire in my belly, but they were definitely a little more. I'm a little anxious sitting here, waiting for my body to do strange stuff. It probably won't, and it will have all been in my mind, which is great.
The needles are all small, but it is just a weird thing, to self inject. The middle, is a really cool contraption, but the first time you use anything, it can be a little daunting. But I made it. Yay
Before I mixed my vials and got the shots ready, I made myself a cheese, fruit and cracker tray. Bought three new cheeses and am really happy. One of them tastes like caramel. It pairs well with celery. And because I was a nervous wreck about the shots, I made my plate with love.
Don't forget to love yourself.
Before I mixed my vials and got the shots ready, I made myself a cheese, fruit and cracker tray. Bought three new cheeses and am really happy. One of them tastes like caramel. It pairs well with celery. And because I was a nervous wreck about the shots, I made my plate with love.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Day 2 of IVF protocol
Well, I'm alive. :) I can't believe it's finally here. It seems like this year has gone by so slowly, with the four failed IUIs, back and forth trips to the City, the up and down roller coaster ride that came with that. But at the same time, this week seemed to just sneak up on me all the same. It started on Tuesday, when my box of drugs arrived. I had been so excited, then I opened the box. The most overwhelming feeling hit me. So hard to put into words, the despair that I felt. It was like I wasn't me anymore. Those drugs, what were they doing with my name on them. Why was this happening to me?
As you can see, the box was filled to the brim. The point of no return was here.
So, Thanksgiving started the injections. The needles for this first phase are really small. They shouldn't hurt, and they don't physically. It's the mental aspect, that is messing with me. Every time I stick that needle in my belly, I'm reminded of why I'm going through this. For everyone that knows me, I'm the most upbeat positive person, but this makes me feel like a failure. Now, I know I'm not a failure, but it's funny what your mind can do to you. Being alone in this is difficult. It is the biggest learning experience. I'm stronger than what I thought, and at the same time, it makes me long for someone to be strong for me, so I can be weak for just a moment. I'd like to be able to breathe, and know that everything is going to be ok.
My normally beautiful cookie display table, now looks like a doctor's office. I left a few fruits up there, so it's not completely clinical. :)
I even tried taking a picture from a different angle, and it still looks scary.
So, day two and tomorrow starts the Stimulation drugs. One shot in the morning and three shots in the evening. I'm experiencing a little woozy and a pretty constant headache. Hoping no more side effects sneak up on me. I think there will be bloating and some swollen belly issues, that seems to be pretty constant in all the blogs that I've read. It doesn't have to be that way though, so maybe just maybe, I'll be the exception. Do you know how hard it is to keep your mind occupied? I just watched the movie Brave, and cried. Come on, it's animated. So, I'm going to watch American Horror Story, maybe that will help. I'll try to get a blog out each day. Maybe that will help, by getting my thoughts out there. I can tell you, I'm scared. If I'm being honest with myself, and with all of y'all, I'm scared. Of course I believe that this will work, if I didn't, I would not be going through this. It's all going to be worth it!!!
So, Thanksgiving started the injections. The needles for this first phase are really small. They shouldn't hurt, and they don't physically. It's the mental aspect, that is messing with me. Every time I stick that needle in my belly, I'm reminded of why I'm going through this. For everyone that knows me, I'm the most upbeat positive person, but this makes me feel like a failure. Now, I know I'm not a failure, but it's funny what your mind can do to you. Being alone in this is difficult. It is the biggest learning experience. I'm stronger than what I thought, and at the same time, it makes me long for someone to be strong for me, so I can be weak for just a moment. I'd like to be able to breathe, and know that everything is going to be ok.
So, day two and tomorrow starts the Stimulation drugs. One shot in the morning and three shots in the evening. I'm experiencing a little woozy and a pretty constant headache. Hoping no more side effects sneak up on me. I think there will be bloating and some swollen belly issues, that seems to be pretty constant in all the blogs that I've read. It doesn't have to be that way though, so maybe just maybe, I'll be the exception. Do you know how hard it is to keep your mind occupied? I just watched the movie Brave, and cried. Come on, it's animated. So, I'm going to watch American Horror Story, maybe that will help. I'll try to get a blog out each day. Maybe that will help, by getting my thoughts out there. I can tell you, I'm scared. If I'm being honest with myself, and with all of y'all, I'm scared. Of course I believe that this will work, if I didn't, I would not be going through this. It's all going to be worth it!!!
Friday, November 09, 2012
I have an Official Calendar.
I know, I know, it's only a piece of paper, but what it tells me is exciting. Ok, a little scary too, but I'm so ready. Will try to keep up with blogging and letting you know what's going on. Return to the Doctor in a week for another ultrasound to make sure the Birth Control is doing it's job. Then back on the 21st for a blood test and ultrasound. If everything looks good and the numbers come back, I'll start my meds on Thanksgiving. The first couple of days aren't too bad, a shot in the morning and a shot in the evening. On the third day, we introduce two more shots in. That will go on until day 12, as long as my body is responding well. Then the fun happens. Hopefully my body produces lots of eggs, and they'll go in and retrieve them. After 3 or 5 days, the ultimate goal, is to have several mature embryos, and they'll put them back in. Only a couple of weeks waiting time. I'll take a pregnancy test on Christmas Day.
Of course the above outline, is if everything goes according to plan. So, pray for everything to go perfect!
Of course the above outline, is if everything goes according to plan. So, pray for everything to go perfect!
Thursday, November 01, 2012
3 weeks till Thanksgiving
3 weeks until Thanksgiving. For as slow as this year has seemed to go, now that I'm 3 weeks away from starting the IVF process, it's going pretty fast. I'm really thankful that the waiting is almost over, and I can move forward.
You know, I always thought life was just going to fall into place. I never really put much thought into preparation, or hardships. There are things going on in my family, that are making my heart hurt. As you are growing up, you just always assume that your family will be there and have your back no matter what. That apparently is not the case. The past 3 months, have opened my eyes to selfishness and bitterness. I've cried and lost sleep over what is going on, but no more. Last night was the final straw in my eyes. It's not so much me anymore, but watching my mom and step-dad have their hearts broken is heart wrenching. Yes, my mom is slightly crazy, but in the best of ways. Her heart is as big as they come. There is nothing she wouldn't do for me or my brother. There is nothing her and Joe haven't already done. If there is one thing I've learned in this life, is it goes fast. Way too fast. You end up with regrets, and you may not ever get the chance to make things right. I'm moving on, moving past and letting go. There are people, who want to be a part of my life. You can't choose family, but you sure can choose great people to share your life with. They become family. Blood may be thicker than water, but someone who chooses to swim upstream for you, they are what I want to be surrounded by.
You know, I always thought life was just going to fall into place. I never really put much thought into preparation, or hardships. There are things going on in my family, that are making my heart hurt. As you are growing up, you just always assume that your family will be there and have your back no matter what. That apparently is not the case. The past 3 months, have opened my eyes to selfishness and bitterness. I've cried and lost sleep over what is going on, but no more. Last night was the final straw in my eyes. It's not so much me anymore, but watching my mom and step-dad have their hearts broken is heart wrenching. Yes, my mom is slightly crazy, but in the best of ways. Her heart is as big as they come. There is nothing she wouldn't do for me or my brother. There is nothing her and Joe haven't already done. If there is one thing I've learned in this life, is it goes fast. Way too fast. You end up with regrets, and you may not ever get the chance to make things right. I'm moving on, moving past and letting go. There are people, who want to be a part of my life. You can't choose family, but you sure can choose great people to share your life with. They become family. Blood may be thicker than water, but someone who chooses to swim upstream for you, they are what I want to be surrounded by.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Come on November!
I'm about to get in the kitchen, and finish decorating the last of the Breast Cancer Awareness cookies. When I'm finished, they will have consumed over 100 dozen cookies this month. And I was even out of town for one week. That's 100 dozen in 3 weeks. I love making them, but I'm also ready for a break!!
I started a juicing and raw vegetable fast on Wednesday, and let me tell you. I'm hungry! :) Not that bad, but baking makes me crave bad food. I feel energized and a little more calm. Eating healthy, and knowing you are giving your body what it needs, makes you you feel better each day. I'm not saying, that I'm not looking forward to Wednesday, when I start introducing foods back into my diet. Yesterday was a day that I cheated, but there is a good reason. I did a CrossFit workout, that had me completely depleted. I'll try to explain what it was, without confusing you. We were in teams of 4, consisting of two guys and two girls. To start, myself and other guy started with 20 front squats, holding a bar. I think mine weighed 25lbs.
Right into 20 jumping lunges
Followed by 20 push presses
And then 20 sit-ups
Now you would think we would be done. NOPE While we catch our breath, our partners are doing 20 ground to overhead with weights each.
After they finish, we start back with the front squats, and go through the whole cycle. We did it a total of 5 times, which equaled 100 of each exercise. When we finished, we switched places and we finished the workout, by doing the ground to overhead with plates. Let's just say, the 4 stairs to get out of the building, were a feat themselves.
It was a tough workout, but I'm hooked. It's a mental game as well. Pushing yourself past your comfort zone. I'm going to do this for the next 3 weeks in preparation for the IVF, which will hopefully start on the 24th of November.
I challenge each of you, to try something new. It is such a wonderful feeling to get out there, and experience something completely different.
I started a juicing and raw vegetable fast on Wednesday, and let me tell you. I'm hungry! :) Not that bad, but baking makes me crave bad food. I feel energized and a little more calm. Eating healthy, and knowing you are giving your body what it needs, makes you you feel better each day. I'm not saying, that I'm not looking forward to Wednesday, when I start introducing foods back into my diet. Yesterday was a day that I cheated, but there is a good reason. I did a CrossFit workout, that had me completely depleted. I'll try to explain what it was, without confusing you. We were in teams of 4, consisting of two guys and two girls. To start, myself and other guy started with 20 front squats, holding a bar. I think mine weighed 25lbs.
It was a tough workout, but I'm hooked. It's a mental game as well. Pushing yourself past your comfort zone. I'm going to do this for the next 3 weeks in preparation for the IVF, which will hopefully start on the 24th of November.
I challenge each of you, to try something new. It is such a wonderful feeling to get out there, and experience something completely different.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Quick update
Wow, it's been a minute since I wrote a post. Guess I'll update everyone. Yes, I'm still alive, barely. My back went out about 3 weeks ago. Was not able to run in the SOS this year, but still dressed up like Wonder Woman, and helped out with the kid's marathon portion. It was a wonderful experience, and I hope to do it again and again.
I've just returned from Dallas and San Antonio. Went for a few days of Vacay, and then on to work. Was able to spend time with two of my best friends. I love and miss them dearly. I came home with sinus issues and am finally on the mend.
Just went out to garage and grabbed the Christmas decorations. YIKES. yes, it's early, but Dr's appointments start next month, and I want to get them up, before I might not feel like doing it.
Other than that, not much to report. It's looking like, I won't know anything definite until the New Year. All of my appointments have been pushed back by a couple of weeks, due to my sporadic cycle crap. It's been tough to wait, after months of doing stuff, back to back to back. Hopefully, there isn't much more delay, and we can get moving on making a baby. Please keep me in your prayers, as this is the last chance I have to have a child. If it doesn't work, it doesn't mean I won't be a mother, it just means that I will have a lot of soul searching before I move on to adoption.
I've just returned from Dallas and San Antonio. Went for a few days of Vacay, and then on to work. Was able to spend time with two of my best friends. I love and miss them dearly. I came home with sinus issues and am finally on the mend.
Just went out to garage and grabbed the Christmas decorations. YIKES. yes, it's early, but Dr's appointments start next month, and I want to get them up, before I might not feel like doing it.
Other than that, not much to report. It's looking like, I won't know anything definite until the New Year. All of my appointments have been pushed back by a couple of weeks, due to my sporadic cycle crap. It's been tough to wait, after months of doing stuff, back to back to back. Hopefully, there isn't much more delay, and we can get moving on making a baby. Please keep me in your prayers, as this is the last chance I have to have a child. If it doesn't work, it doesn't mean I won't be a mother, it just means that I will have a lot of soul searching before I move on to adoption.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Getting back to normal
Well, normal for me. :) I've taken the past few weeks and really focused on waking up, getting to the gym, running and eating healthy. It was tough the first week, but it's become much easier. The SOS race is in two weeks. Even though I'm not running the half/half relay, the 5K is giving me just as much challenge this year. Having not ran since February really, it has been tough. Yesterday had a good three mile run, and I'm looking forward to the next couple of weeks.
October is going to be a busy busy month for me. I will be baking cookies for The Breast Center again. I'm involved in the Leadership Lawton class, which will meet the second week. I'll be headed to Dallas and San Antonio for a week, which will fall in the middle of baking . EEK! Then, I go back to the doctor on the 29th. I'm thankful to have so much planned to keep me busy and keep my mind occupied.
Happy Fall!
October is going to be a busy busy month for me. I will be baking cookies for The Breast Center again. I'm involved in the Leadership Lawton class, which will meet the second week. I'll be headed to Dallas and San Antonio for a week, which will fall in the middle of baking . EEK! Then, I go back to the doctor on the 29th. I'm thankful to have so much planned to keep me busy and keep my mind occupied.
Happy Fall!
Monday, September 10, 2012
Life
I don't even know where to begin this blog post. I've been reading up on IVF over the weekend, and I'm not sure if it makes me feel better, or if I am dreading it more. Of course, both books I read, ended in the great news, that they were successful.
I'm just not myself anymore. To be honest, not really sure who I am. I feel very selfish at times, with the only thing on my mind is me and what is going on. It's not that I don't care about anyone, but honestly, I can't process everything. My hormones have been out of whack, since that very first Clomid pill. And now that I'm not on anything, I feel even worse. There have been so many dark days, that I'm not sure the sun shines for me. I'm going through the motions right now. Fake it until you make it, is what they say.
I guess, I'm just scared. Everyone says don't worry, it will work, or things will be ok... yeah yeah I know. But there is a huge chance it won't work. How long will it take me to feel whole? How long before Starr comes back? Right now I'm in a holding pattern, and I don't feel like I'm doing anything. Wake up, sleep, eat, try not to cry and repeat. About the only thing I do enjoy, is drinking and laughing, but even then, that "fake" fun ends. I come home alone (most of the time) <<< sorry, I still have a little bit of Starr hiding inside me, jokes, the girl has jokes>>>>>
Just a blog to blog. Get out some feelings of blah and whatever else there is hiding.
I'm just not myself anymore. To be honest, not really sure who I am. I feel very selfish at times, with the only thing on my mind is me and what is going on. It's not that I don't care about anyone, but honestly, I can't process everything. My hormones have been out of whack, since that very first Clomid pill. And now that I'm not on anything, I feel even worse. There have been so many dark days, that I'm not sure the sun shines for me. I'm going through the motions right now. Fake it until you make it, is what they say.
I guess, I'm just scared. Everyone says don't worry, it will work, or things will be ok... yeah yeah I know. But there is a huge chance it won't work. How long will it take me to feel whole? How long before Starr comes back? Right now I'm in a holding pattern, and I don't feel like I'm doing anything. Wake up, sleep, eat, try not to cry and repeat. About the only thing I do enjoy, is drinking and laughing, but even then, that "fake" fun ends. I come home alone (most of the time) <<< sorry, I still have a little bit of Starr hiding inside me, jokes, the girl has jokes>>>>>
Just a blog to blog. Get out some feelings of blah and whatever else there is hiding.
Wednesday, September 05, 2012
IVF is scheduled.
Well, we have tentative plans. You all know how plans work though. :) The doctors will officially take over my body around the end of this month. They will put me on birth control and take over my cycles. The next big appointment is scheduled for the end of October, where they will run a battery of tests. If all goes well, I'm scheduled to begin the heavy doses of medication on the 24th of November. I'm really lucky that someone dropped out of this November cycle. If not, I would have had to wait until January. I'm not that patient.
So, I have a few months to focus on something other than babies. So far, I'm not doing so well. No energy and I think I'm slightly depressed. Not positive, but if I could sleep, that is what I would be doing. My goal is to get back out and pound the pavement, and get in the gym and lift some weights. Maybe drop 10 or 15 pounds before I go through this next step.
I'll try to get some positive and funny blogs out. Maybe tell some old stories. It's time for some laughs.
So, I have a few months to focus on something other than babies. So far, I'm not doing so well. No energy and I think I'm slightly depressed. Not positive, but if I could sleep, that is what I would be doing. My goal is to get back out and pound the pavement, and get in the gym and lift some weights. Maybe drop 10 or 15 pounds before I go through this next step.
I'll try to get some positive and funny blogs out. Maybe tell some old stories. It's time for some laughs.
Saturday, September 01, 2012
Official
After the most fantastic Friday night with 50 or so of my closest friends, I woke up to AF showing her ugly face. So it's official that my fourth IUI cycle failed, and I will now be moving on to IVF.
I'm having a pity party today on my couch. :) it's hard because I honestly thought I would be pregnant by now. It's been an emotional past several months, and I have nothing to show for it. Now I'm getting close to the end of this journey and I'm scared that it won't work.
I'm having a pity party today on my couch. :) it's hard because I honestly thought I would be pregnant by now. It's been an emotional past several months, and I have nothing to show for it. Now I'm getting close to the end of this journey and I'm scared that it won't work.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Update.
Well, it's not looking good for the home team. Negative pregnancy tests :( Just waiting for AF to show her bitchy self, and then we move on.
I'm not going to be too upset. Ok, going to try and not be that upset. This weekend, is bringing in old friends, to Lawton. I'm going to eat, drink and be merry. Lot's of laughter is in store. Once everyone is gone, I can get a good cry in. Then it's time for the next step. IVF
I'm ready. It's what has to be done, and I'm going to just take it day by day. Yes, I'm scared. I'm on the last step of this process. But, I'm hopeful and optimistic.
I'm not going to be too upset. Ok, going to try and not be that upset. This weekend, is bringing in old friends, to Lawton. I'm going to eat, drink and be merry. Lot's of laughter is in store. Once everyone is gone, I can get a good cry in. Then it's time for the next step. IVF
I'm ready. It's what has to be done, and I'm going to just take it day by day. Yes, I'm scared. I'm on the last step of this process. But, I'm hopeful and optimistic.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
The waiting game
I'm right in the middle of the waiting game. Day 6 post IUI. Time is going by so slowly. If I could quit looking at the clock, that would be great. Add on, lack of sleep and the inability to sleep once night falls, and it is a recipe for Crazy. Like I need any help.
Been trying to be more active, but have honestly had no energy. Yoga last night was great, it always is. But the running is what I miss. I've been trying to get out there, and have even laid out my clothes. But when that alarm clock goes off, and I've had a couple of hours of sleep, I hit snooze and finally fall into a sleep that lasts a couple more hours. ARGH
Work is going well. Staying busy, which is always good in the Construction industry. Lining up more jobs, that will take us into the next couple of years.
Hope everyone is enjoying their summer.
Been trying to be more active, but have honestly had no energy. Yoga last night was great, it always is. But the running is what I miss. I've been trying to get out there, and have even laid out my clothes. But when that alarm clock goes off, and I've had a couple of hours of sleep, I hit snooze and finally fall into a sleep that lasts a couple more hours. ARGH
Work is going well. Staying busy, which is always good in the Construction industry. Lining up more jobs, that will take us into the next couple of years.
Hope everyone is enjoying their summer.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Last IUI cycle.
So this is it, last chance at the easy ones. Can't believe it's 4 times already. Well, it will be on Thursday morning. I have to once again, stay up tonight, then jab a super huge (tiny) needle in my belly, to help mother nature along. Then it's time for the longest two week wait known to man. Seriously, if you want time to slow down, hang out with me for the next couple of weeks. Should know if it worked Labor Day Weekend. If it doesn't work, then we are moving on to an IVF cycle.
The doctor and I spoke at length today about my options. He agreed that we should just move to IVF if this doesn't work. He was candid in his opinion on my odds. With my age and poor ovarian reserve, there is a high chance of a cancelled cycle. Which means, after aggressively pumping my body full of drugs, they will cancel the cycle before surgery, because of me not responding to the drugs, or them not seeing enough follicles with eggs. Even if they go in, he doesn't expect to get more than 8 eggs. With that said, the general rule of thumb is, half of those eggs might be good, then after all the magic they work, half of those might turn to blastocyst stage and be ready to implant. So a good estimate would be 2 blastocyst ready for transfer, if I'm lucky.
So that's where we stand. What we are all hoping for, praying for, begging for, pleading for, wishing for and believing in is, The 4th times the charm!!!
The doctor and I spoke at length today about my options. He agreed that we should just move to IVF if this doesn't work. He was candid in his opinion on my odds. With my age and poor ovarian reserve, there is a high chance of a cancelled cycle. Which means, after aggressively pumping my body full of drugs, they will cancel the cycle before surgery, because of me not responding to the drugs, or them not seeing enough follicles with eggs. Even if they go in, he doesn't expect to get more than 8 eggs. With that said, the general rule of thumb is, half of those eggs might be good, then after all the magic they work, half of those might turn to blastocyst stage and be ready to implant. So a good estimate would be 2 blastocyst ready for transfer, if I'm lucky.
So that's where we stand. What we are all hoping for, praying for, begging for, pleading for, wishing for and believing in is, The 4th times the charm!!!
Friday, August 10, 2012
Long week!
Day four of the Clomid. Almost through this week. Woke up this morning and stepped outside, was met with the most wonderful cool breeze. How refreshing it was to feel some coolness to the morning. I sure hope it is like that, for my 2.5 mile run in the morning. I felt a little hope swell up inside.
I haven't been taking care of myself the past couple of months. Started eating horrible. Not just once a day, but several times and most days of the week. Didn't cook for myself for at least a couple of weeks. Not a good thing at all. Yesterday, I went to Yoga for the first time in a long time, and was reminded to treat myself with love and understanding. I've been so angry about my failed attempts at getting pregnant, that I was literally shoving food down my throat. My reasoning, is what does it matter? I started drinking a little more, not much but maybe once a week. With that though, I also gave in to my old habit of smoking. How freaking insane am I? Now, I'm not smoking, just had a few lapses in judgement. I'm not that girl anymore. I want to be healthy and beautiful and free from the old demons. It didn't help that I had hurt myself running. Between all the medication headaches and hot flashes, working out just became something I used to do. That has to stop. Even if it's only a light workout, I need it to feel normal. I miss the way I feel, after getting all sweaty and pushing myself to my limit. Holding a yoga pose and feeling the energy move through my body. Running with a steady cadence and not feeling like I want to puke.
I hope everyone remembers to love yourself. You are worth it!
I haven't been taking care of myself the past couple of months. Started eating horrible. Not just once a day, but several times and most days of the week. Didn't cook for myself for at least a couple of weeks. Not a good thing at all. Yesterday, I went to Yoga for the first time in a long time, and was reminded to treat myself with love and understanding. I've been so angry about my failed attempts at getting pregnant, that I was literally shoving food down my throat. My reasoning, is what does it matter? I started drinking a little more, not much but maybe once a week. With that though, I also gave in to my old habit of smoking. How freaking insane am I? Now, I'm not smoking, just had a few lapses in judgement. I'm not that girl anymore. I want to be healthy and beautiful and free from the old demons. It didn't help that I had hurt myself running. Between all the medication headaches and hot flashes, working out just became something I used to do. That has to stop. Even if it's only a light workout, I need it to feel normal. I miss the way I feel, after getting all sweaty and pushing myself to my limit. Holding a yoga pose and feeling the energy move through my body. Running with a steady cadence and not feeling like I want to puke.
I hope everyone remembers to love yourself. You are worth it!
Monday, August 06, 2012
And the cycle begins again.
Clomid begins tomorrow!!!! YAY Where in the hell is the sarcasm font when you really need it? Looks like we are going for IUI number 4. While I'm up there next week, for some poking and prodding, we will schedule a consultation to discuss options, if this one doesn't take.
I'm tired. Everything in my life right now, revolves around drugs, shots, ultrasounds... I'm trying to train for the Spirit of Survival, and the heat plus the drugs, is not working out too well. Thinking I need to just suck it up and run, but it's tough. Everything seems tougher right now. I know it's a build up of the drugs and my stupid hormones added with the negative pregnancy tests. I'm really tired of being unhappy. Everyone who knows me, knows I love to laugh and have fun, and it doesn't seem to be going on right now. Life is passing me by because I just don't want to participate right now. I just want to stay locked up inside, where the issues don't seem as bad. No conversations about babies, or lack of babies I should say.
I'll try and get out some uplifting blogs soon, PROMISE!! Maybe the Clomid this time, will make me unusually happy, instead of bitchy. What? It could happen!!
I'm tired. Everything in my life right now, revolves around drugs, shots, ultrasounds... I'm trying to train for the Spirit of Survival, and the heat plus the drugs, is not working out too well. Thinking I need to just suck it up and run, but it's tough. Everything seems tougher right now. I know it's a build up of the drugs and my stupid hormones added with the negative pregnancy tests. I'm really tired of being unhappy. Everyone who knows me, knows I love to laugh and have fun, and it doesn't seem to be going on right now. Life is passing me by because I just don't want to participate right now. I just want to stay locked up inside, where the issues don't seem as bad. No conversations about babies, or lack of babies I should say.
I'll try and get out some uplifting blogs soon, PROMISE!! Maybe the Clomid this time, will make me unusually happy, instead of bitchy. What? It could happen!!
Thursday, August 02, 2012
Negative results part 3
Well, here we go again. Negative on the pregnancy test. Not going to lie and tell you how great I feel or how everything is peachy. It's not. I'm sad, angry, disappointed and every other negative feeling you can come up with. I feel fat, tired and beat up. Sleep has been severely lacking this week. I'm emotional to the point of laughing instead of crying. This heat makes me want to move to the North Pole.
I'm not sure what the next step will be. Waiting on that bitch AF to show up, so I can call the doctor and see what he wants me to do. Whatever his suggestion, is what I will do. So it may be another IUI cycle with injectables, or he may say IVF.
Hoping that this next step will put me in a better place. I just feel I'm reaching a point of breaking. Hopefully good news is on the horizon.
I'm not sure what the next step will be. Waiting on that bitch AF to show up, so I can call the doctor and see what he wants me to do. Whatever his suggestion, is what I will do. So it may be another IUI cycle with injectables, or he may say IVF.
Hoping that this next step will put me in a better place. I just feel I'm reaching a point of breaking. Hopefully good news is on the horizon.
Monday, July 30, 2012
You only get one chance at life.
Anger is not an attractive trait. I was ugly for a lot of years. I blamed everyone else for my problems, or my lack of happiness. I drank too much, smoked too much, stayed out late too much. I chased after a life that I was incapable of actually living. I definitely tried to control everything.
Life is a learning process, and hopefully you catch on fast. Because you see, there are no do overs. Age has taught me to let things go and to go with the flow. Sure, there are still days where I'm very ugly, but other days, I feel as free as a bird.
I'm hurting today for so many hurts that I caused unknowingly, to those I love the most. Maybe there should have been more "Sorrys" said by me. More heartfelt, I don't know. But it's the past and it's time to move on. You can't continue to carry the burden of yesterday, with the weight of your life today.
Life is a learning process, and hopefully you catch on fast. Because you see, there are no do overs. Age has taught me to let things go and to go with the flow. Sure, there are still days where I'm very ugly, but other days, I feel as free as a bird.
I'm hurting today for so many hurts that I caused unknowingly, to those I love the most. Maybe there should have been more "Sorrys" said by me. More heartfelt, I don't know. But it's the past and it's time to move on. You can't continue to carry the burden of yesterday, with the weight of your life today.
Friday, July 27, 2012
2WW from hell :)
Ok, so maybe it's not that bad. Or, some days it is. I've never known time to go so slowly. It literally creeps backwards at times. I've cried more this week, over stupid things too. I'm getting good at turning the radio station really quickly. Just the note of a song, can set me off.
So, I'm mentally preparing for the worst, while of course hoping for the best. I've started researching IVF, trying to prepare for the next stage. If this IUI doesn't work, I'll speak with my doctor and do what he suggests, but at this point, I'm ready. The shots, I can handle. The drugs effects on my body, not as worried, now that I've read up on what they are. Of course there is always going to be some risk, but I'm willing.
I've been trying to find a support group for single women, going through what I am. It is definitely getting harder to be around people. Not that I don't like them, but I find myself, looking at what they have and really feeling inadequate or a slight tinge of jealousy. Seeing baby pictures and hearing about what all the babies are doing, is starting to put little daggers in my heart. Don't get me wrong, I love how wonderful all the babies are and how well they are doing, I'm just not in the mood to hear about it. :) I will say, I miss all my girlfriends, and how easy the conversations used to be. Miss the laughter and carefree moments.
I was in Wal Mart, stocking up on healthy eats yesterday, and got teary eyed when I walked past the baby stuff. HORMONES are the devil!! So, if you happen to see me out and about, with a spaced out look and tears in my eyes, please feel free to help a sister out.
So, I'm mentally preparing for the worst, while of course hoping for the best. I've started researching IVF, trying to prepare for the next stage. If this IUI doesn't work, I'll speak with my doctor and do what he suggests, but at this point, I'm ready. The shots, I can handle. The drugs effects on my body, not as worried, now that I've read up on what they are. Of course there is always going to be some risk, but I'm willing.
I've been trying to find a support group for single women, going through what I am. It is definitely getting harder to be around people. Not that I don't like them, but I find myself, looking at what they have and really feeling inadequate or a slight tinge of jealousy. Seeing baby pictures and hearing about what all the babies are doing, is starting to put little daggers in my heart. Don't get me wrong, I love how wonderful all the babies are and how well they are doing, I'm just not in the mood to hear about it. :) I will say, I miss all my girlfriends, and how easy the conversations used to be. Miss the laughter and carefree moments.
I was in Wal Mart, stocking up on healthy eats yesterday, and got teary eyed when I walked past the baby stuff. HORMONES are the devil!! So, if you happen to see me out and about, with a spaced out look and tears in my eyes, please feel free to help a sister out.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Sure, he can watch!
So funny things always seem to happen to me. It wouldn't be funny if it happened to people with no sense of humor, but I realize shit happens, and sometimes it just makes me laugh.
Yesterday was my third insemination. I arrived early with a full bladder. They take me back to get prepared. My normal nurse is not working my case, but she says hello. The new nurse, who seems a little spacey, but super nice leads me to my room. When she knocks to come back in, she asks if she can bring in a medical student to watch my procedure. "Sure, no problem, bring them all in". So in they come, along with my normal nurse. Apparently my doctor is on vacation and this nurse is going to be doing the deed. As I lay back, she is fumbling with the Speculum and she says, "I really don't like these things". At this point, I already know it's not going to be smooth. She proceeds to jam this thing into my lower region. It's not a smooth process, and she takes a lot of skin with her. She proclaims, " are you ok?" "I'm so sorry.". Does Dr. Hansen normally have this much difficulty?". "No, I tell her, just you". She then decides after several more unsuccessful jabs, that maybe she needs the smaller speculum. She has to leave the room. So I lay there, legs spread with, about a 19 year old guy, staring at my lady parts. She returns with the smaller device and this one is much better. After a few minutes of moving this thing around, she says "oh, your cervix is hiding from me". Now, I didn't know that my cervix likes to play hide and seek, but yesterday, it was all about some fun. I can tell she is nervous. At least she tells the student to go get the PA. So, she keeps this speculum in me, as we wait. The PA walks in, takes it out, readjusts goes straight in, locks it in place and gets me inseminated in less than 3 minutes. I love an experienced woman! Thank goodness this is over!
But this situation took me back several several years ago, to a yearly exam in Dallas. That's why I find it funny, stuff happens to me all the time. She gets me on the table, legs spread and speculum in place, only to realize that she doesn't have all the other supplies she needs. She says "wait just one second, I'll be right back". No problem I think. After a few minutes, the door opens and I look over to see, a horrified gentlemen, who has opened the door to the wrong room! He turns beet red and apologizes, I laugh and say no problem! Sure, he can watch too, let them all in!!
Sure, I could have got mad, but what good would that serve me. It's really not that big of a deal. Shit happens people. Learn to go with it, laugh with it! It's so much more fun that way.
Yesterday was my third insemination. I arrived early with a full bladder. They take me back to get prepared. My normal nurse is not working my case, but she says hello. The new nurse, who seems a little spacey, but super nice leads me to my room. When she knocks to come back in, she asks if she can bring in a medical student to watch my procedure. "Sure, no problem, bring them all in". So in they come, along with my normal nurse. Apparently my doctor is on vacation and this nurse is going to be doing the deed. As I lay back, she is fumbling with the Speculum and she says, "I really don't like these things". At this point, I already know it's not going to be smooth. She proceeds to jam this thing into my lower region. It's not a smooth process, and she takes a lot of skin with her. She proclaims, " are you ok?" "I'm so sorry.". Does Dr. Hansen normally have this much difficulty?". "No, I tell her, just you". She then decides after several more unsuccessful jabs, that maybe she needs the smaller speculum. She has to leave the room. So I lay there, legs spread with, about a 19 year old guy, staring at my lady parts. She returns with the smaller device and this one is much better. After a few minutes of moving this thing around, she says "oh, your cervix is hiding from me". Now, I didn't know that my cervix likes to play hide and seek, but yesterday, it was all about some fun. I can tell she is nervous. At least she tells the student to go get the PA. So, she keeps this speculum in me, as we wait. The PA walks in, takes it out, readjusts goes straight in, locks it in place and gets me inseminated in less than 3 minutes. I love an experienced woman! Thank goodness this is over!
But this situation took me back several several years ago, to a yearly exam in Dallas. That's why I find it funny, stuff happens to me all the time. She gets me on the table, legs spread and speculum in place, only to realize that she doesn't have all the other supplies she needs. She says "wait just one second, I'll be right back". No problem I think. After a few minutes, the door opens and I look over to see, a horrified gentlemen, who has opened the door to the wrong room! He turns beet red and apologizes, I laugh and say no problem! Sure, he can watch too, let them all in!!
Sure, I could have got mad, but what good would that serve me. It's really not that big of a deal. Shit happens people. Learn to go with it, laugh with it! It's so much more fun that way.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Shot....part 2 Hopefully by saying shot, I only have to stick it once!
I'm going to try something new tonight, and do a couple of video blogs. A video here about an hour before the shot. Then, I'll video me giving myself a shot. Hopefully I'm not as shaky as the first time!
Of course after watching the above video, I want to shoot and retake! :) I tend to look away apparently when nervous or unsure of what I'm about to say. I'll work on that for future reference. And there was something in my eye!!! :)
I'm not watching the second video! Now my hands are shaking! The hard part is over!!
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Finished this round of Meds! I'm alive
So thankful to be done with this round of medication. I've had quite a few terrible headaches, but it hasn't been as bad as last time. I stayed in most of the weekend, with the air conditioning turned to arctic, to combat the hot flashes!
Watched the whole series of Arrested Development! Hilarious. Debating on naming my future unborn, not quite hatched little girl Maeby. Ha! No, I wouldn't do that.
I'm gearing up for a long week of work and traveling back and forth to the City. No big plans. Can't seem to concentrate on anything for too long, before of course, I start thinking. Thinking is bad!!
Training starts tomorrow for the next Spirit of Survival, which is October 7th this year. I've signed up again for the half/half marathon relay. Last year, my partner Joanne, had to bow out because she found out she was pregnant, and her first trimester was quite tough. I'm hoping to repay the favor!! But until then, I'm going to get out there and start pounding the pavement again. I've taken the past 5 or so months off, trying to rehab my knees. I miss running. I miss running A LOT!! So keep your eyes open for a girl wearing knee socks!! The Cancer Fairy is suiting up!
Watched the whole series of Arrested Development! Hilarious. Debating on naming my future unborn, not quite hatched little girl Maeby. Ha! No, I wouldn't do that.
I'm gearing up for a long week of work and traveling back and forth to the City. No big plans. Can't seem to concentrate on anything for too long, before of course, I start thinking. Thinking is bad!!
Training starts tomorrow for the next Spirit of Survival, which is October 7th this year. I've signed up again for the half/half marathon relay. Last year, my partner Joanne, had to bow out because she found out she was pregnant, and her first trimester was quite tough. I'm hoping to repay the favor!! But until then, I'm going to get out there and start pounding the pavement again. I've taken the past 5 or so months off, trying to rehab my knees. I miss running. I miss running A LOT!! So keep your eyes open for a girl wearing knee socks!! The Cancer Fairy is suiting up!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Round number 3
Here we go again!! Took my Clomid pill about an hour ago. Heart is starting to race, and I'm really thirsty. I'm really optimistic today. Worked out and got a good sweat in, before the pills really kick in.
I'm debating on dating. Off topic I know, but you know, being alone through all this sucks. Not really sure how the dynamics will work, but I'm going to just put myself out there. I've met a few people who know what I'm going through, and surprisingly, they haven't run screaming. Now, I haven't been out yet, because I'm truly unsure of how I feel. I'm scared to get hurt. That is the main reason. That's usually the reason, but in a way, it's not just about me. Granted, I'm not pregnant yet, but it's gonna happen. I'm positive (today anyway)
I've been so focused on getting pregnant, that I've shut myself in. I miss flirting and being around guys. I miss the banter. I've always enjoyed being around the fellas anyway. I'm going to do it! Just talked myself into it, by writing about it. Ok, maybe not dating, but a few friends never hurt anyone. I'll just take it slow and be myself. What's the worst that can happen, that I haven't already been through??
I'm debating on dating. Off topic I know, but you know, being alone through all this sucks. Not really sure how the dynamics will work, but I'm going to just put myself out there. I've met a few people who know what I'm going through, and surprisingly, they haven't run screaming. Now, I haven't been out yet, because I'm truly unsure of how I feel. I'm scared to get hurt. That is the main reason. That's usually the reason, but in a way, it's not just about me. Granted, I'm not pregnant yet, but it's gonna happen. I'm positive (today anyway)
I've been so focused on getting pregnant, that I've shut myself in. I miss flirting and being around guys. I miss the banter. I've always enjoyed being around the fellas anyway. I'm going to do it! Just talked myself into it, by writing about it. Ok, maybe not dating, but a few friends never hurt anyone. I'll just take it slow and be myself. What's the worst that can happen, that I haven't already been through??
Friday, July 06, 2012
Negative again
Pregnancy test revealed negative again. To be honest, I kind of expected it. I'm not trying to be down or discouraged, but that feeling has just been with me this time. We were unable to do the ultrasound, because my body responded differently. That left me feeling unsure and not as confident as I had last time. I'm craving chocolate ( sure sign that AF is on her way). I'm emotional in a weird way. I'd really like to disappear for at least a week. No phone, no contact with anyone. You know, a mini meltdown. Alas, work and other responsibilities, not to mention the next round of meds that will probably start the latter part of next week. I'll be honest, I'm not looking forward to the meds. There are lots of women, who have gone through so much worse, and I feel bad even complaining about what I'm going through. I'm just tired of feeling like everything is just out of my grasp. I'm tired of feeling the way I do. I'm trying to stay optimistic, but it is getting harder. I'm thankful for everyone's support and well wishes, but even that is starting to hurt. It's just a reminder, that I'm not there yet. :) I'm not saying stop, just wanting to complain, and Willie told me he was tired of hearing me bitch. Damn dog!!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Time, what is time?
ARGH! Time is literally going backwards for me. Waiting for two weeks should be an easy thing, no? I'm not myself lately. Had a fender bender day before yesterday, where I rear ended a lady. Then this morning, I almost hit a car backing out of my driveway. For anyone that knows me, this is very out of character. Wednesday was my first wreck, with another car. I'm a very good driver, who is aware of what everyone is doing. The hormones are really doing a number on me. Yesterday, I delivered some cookies to a flower shop, then took a look around. They had a section with baby clothes, and I started crying. Just looking at them and wondering if I will ever hold my own child. The feeling was so powerful and overwhelming. Had to leave quickly, and pull it together. Staying positive is hard some days. I put on a happy front, but inside I'm in turmoil. For everyone else, it's easy to say "don't worry", or "it will happen". Trying to not have any stress, seems to cause stress. :)
Only 12 more days till I should know if I'm pregnant or not. Please oh please let me be pregnant!!
Only 12 more days till I should know if I'm pregnant or not. Please oh please let me be pregnant!!
Sunday, June 24, 2012
The best laid plans. :)
So, the new baby daddy will be here tomorrow, but I won't be using him. My body kicked into to doing things naturally and I had my LH surge on Friday night at 9:30. Had to page the doctor and be up there early Saturday morning for insemination. It was crazy. Last month my body did not react this way. I had to give myself the shot in order to ovulate. Nope not this month. Just insemination. So, I have no idea how my body responded to the Clomid this time. Last month, I had four follicles, this month we are working blind. :) fingers crossed.
I love making plans and finding out, there is something else for me. It always makes me laugh, and knocks me down a peg or two. Reminds me who's really in charge.
So, 2ww in full effect.
I love making plans and finding out, there is something else for me. It always makes me laugh, and knocks me down a peg or two. Reminds me who's really in charge.
So, 2ww in full effect.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
New baby daddy :)
I'm really excited about the new possibility. The first donor I picked is very smart and healthy, but he was not my first pick. One of my first picks was unavailable when I needed to get the sperm, now he is. Just bought and my babies are on their way, to my doctor. They will arrive in time for my next insemination. He is also smart. He has his Master's in Music. He is tall with wavy brown hair and hazel eyes. He is an Artist and he loves science. A good mix!
I'm coming to the end of this down time. So ready to be on the 2ww ( two week wait). As slow as time goes during this time, at least I know there is a chance to be pregnant. Right now, I'm just full of estrogen. Which is basically like being full of piss and vinegar. :)
Thank you everyone for the kind words. I read them, and they do lift me up so much. I might get down from time to time, and wallow in self pity, but knowing that I have friends, helps. Makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Until of course, my emotions go all crazy, and I think to myself, how alone I am. :) See, piss and vinegar! Told you!! laughing
I'm coming to the end of this down time. So ready to be on the 2ww ( two week wait). As slow as time goes during this time, at least I know there is a chance to be pregnant. Right now, I'm just full of estrogen. Which is basically like being full of piss and vinegar. :)
Thank you everyone for the kind words. I read them, and they do lift me up so much. I might get down from time to time, and wallow in self pity, but knowing that I have friends, helps. Makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Until of course, my emotions go all crazy, and I think to myself, how alone I am. :) See, piss and vinegar! Told you!! laughing
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Estrogen overload!
Day 3 of Clomid, and I feel all these emotions. It's been different than last time. I've pretty much avoided people. Went out last night for a few drinks and had some laughs, so it hasn't all been bad. But, I definitely have tried to keep to myself and not think about anything. The crying comes so quick and unexpected. It takes me by surprise. I'm not a big crier, so it can be uncomfortable. I'm trying to stay present and deal with it. It's during these times, that I feel so alone. This process is very isolating. It's about the only thing on my mind, and that limits the interaction I want to have with people. I don't want to be a burden with my fears. I feel like an outsider to life right now. I am a prisoner to this process, and in a way my life is on hold, as I pursue having my own slice of the future.
Monday, June 11, 2012
That witch AF showed her ugly face!
So, AF (Aunt Flow) is coming into town. In a way, I'm relieved. Being late by 4 days and having a negative pregnancy test, had me worried. At least now, I can move on to TTC (Trying to Conceive) part 2. Not sure if knowing how the drugs affected me the first time, has me a little more apprehensive. Definitely not looking forward to the emotional roller coaster, I'm about to endure. At least the first time, it was filled with nothing but hope, that it would work. Now, going into this next phase, I have the realization, that indeed it didn't work. I'm still ever hopeful and optimistic about my chances, but I'd be lying, if I didn't admit my emotional state is a bit more fragile.
So, look for more emotionally charged posts, coming in the next week. :)
So, look for more emotionally charged posts, coming in the next week. :)
Sunday, June 10, 2012
What's going on?
Day 16 post IUI and I'm still in limbo. Pregnancy test still reads negative and I'm 3 days late. It's maddening to not know what my body is up to. I've read and studied up on the effects of Clomid on your body. In some people it causes a late ovulation. I took the HCG shot, which is supposed to ensure ovulation, but I'm starting to question it. The past 4 days have been filled with anxiety. Add on cramps, being tired and irritability. I've tried to catch up on sleep, but it has been fleeting.
I just want to know what is going on with my body. I'll call the doctor first thing in the morning, and hopefully get some answers. I'm worried about about having another ectopic pregnancy. I only have one Fallopian tube left, and can't afford anything to happen to it.
I just want to know what is going on with my body. I'll call the doctor first thing in the morning, and hopefully get some answers. I'm worried about about having another ectopic pregnancy. I only have one Fallopian tube left, and can't afford anything to happen to it.
Thursday, June 07, 2012
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting.
This post might be hard for some to read. A little more insight to me. Don't feel sorry or any of that jazz, though. I'm just telling a story, and maybe it will speak to you, maybe not.
25 years ago, I was an innocent (for the most part) little girl. I loved to play outside, ride my bike and pretty much drive my mom and dad crazy. I'm pretty sure I was in 6th grade when this happened, but I can't be sure. It was either the end of 6th grade, or the beginning of 7th grade. I was built like a little boy, even though I was wearing a training bar. Flat as a board, no boobs to speak of. My mom's dad was in town to visit and I was on the couch with him. From what I remember, he was rubbing my back, then he decided to switch that up, and he moved his hands over to my chest. At that point, I screamed and punched back with my arm. Mom heard the commotion, and came at once. From there, she called my uncle and he came to pick me up. I remember him saying he would kick his ass if he wasn't so drunk. I was kept out of school for a couple of days and everyone talked to me, asking if I was ok. I guess I was, but don't really remember much. I just have that scar to carry with me. I don't think of it, if hardly ever. But here recently it has been coming up quite a bit.
Yes, today as a 37 year old woman, it's not that big of a deal. But to that little girl, that I was before, the one who didn't understand, it was a HUGE deal. It shattered everything I knew. It sexualized me WAY before I was ready. It opened up dialogue that I shouldn't have had to deal with. There are people who have had to deal with much worse, that is their journey. This one, though not as bad, was still bad to me. This was supposed to be my grandfather, yet he touched me in a sexual way. You don't ever forget that. I don't care how much people have tried to minimize that through the years. It didn't happen to them, and they can't tell me how I am supposed to feel about it. It sickens me to think of him. So I don't. I think he apologized to me when I was 14, but I didn't care. Mom tried to make me speak to him, but that is not how I operate. She forgave him in a way, and tried to make peace with him, but me, I wanted nothing to do with him. It has caused some issues with mom and I through the years, but that is her dad, and she can feel or do what she wants.
Today, he is in the hospital and they don't know what's wrong. He may never get out. I'm ok with that. No, I don't wish him dead or anything, I just don't care what happens to him. I will not go visit, if he dies, I will not go to the funeral. He is no one in my life. He is just some guy. That is not making some of the family happy. I don't care. I have one life to live. Can he ever give me back my innocence? Can he take away the pain and suffering he caused? No, he can't. There are just some things in life, you can't do over.
So, I guess this post is just really a rant and a vent. I am who I am. I forgive people, but that doesn't mean I will ever forget.
25 years ago, I was an innocent (for the most part) little girl. I loved to play outside, ride my bike and pretty much drive my mom and dad crazy. I'm pretty sure I was in 6th grade when this happened, but I can't be sure. It was either the end of 6th grade, or the beginning of 7th grade. I was built like a little boy, even though I was wearing a training bar. Flat as a board, no boobs to speak of. My mom's dad was in town to visit and I was on the couch with him. From what I remember, he was rubbing my back, then he decided to switch that up, and he moved his hands over to my chest. At that point, I screamed and punched back with my arm. Mom heard the commotion, and came at once. From there, she called my uncle and he came to pick me up. I remember him saying he would kick his ass if he wasn't so drunk. I was kept out of school for a couple of days and everyone talked to me, asking if I was ok. I guess I was, but don't really remember much. I just have that scar to carry with me. I don't think of it, if hardly ever. But here recently it has been coming up quite a bit.
Yes, today as a 37 year old woman, it's not that big of a deal. But to that little girl, that I was before, the one who didn't understand, it was a HUGE deal. It shattered everything I knew. It sexualized me WAY before I was ready. It opened up dialogue that I shouldn't have had to deal with. There are people who have had to deal with much worse, that is their journey. This one, though not as bad, was still bad to me. This was supposed to be my grandfather, yet he touched me in a sexual way. You don't ever forget that. I don't care how much people have tried to minimize that through the years. It didn't happen to them, and they can't tell me how I am supposed to feel about it. It sickens me to think of him. So I don't. I think he apologized to me when I was 14, but I didn't care. Mom tried to make me speak to him, but that is not how I operate. She forgave him in a way, and tried to make peace with him, but me, I wanted nothing to do with him. It has caused some issues with mom and I through the years, but that is her dad, and she can feel or do what she wants.
Today, he is in the hospital and they don't know what's wrong. He may never get out. I'm ok with that. No, I don't wish him dead or anything, I just don't care what happens to him. I will not go visit, if he dies, I will not go to the funeral. He is no one in my life. He is just some guy. That is not making some of the family happy. I don't care. I have one life to live. Can he ever give me back my innocence? Can he take away the pain and suffering he caused? No, he can't. There are just some things in life, you can't do over.
So, I guess this post is just really a rant and a vent. I am who I am. I forgive people, but that doesn't mean I will ever forget.
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
12 DPI
Pregnancy test still negative. Each morning, I jump up to POAS (pee on a stick) only to be confronted by a BFN ( big freaking negative). I'm super emotional, and I don't know if it's because I'm about to start my period, or if all the hormones that have invaded my body this past month. Today is the 16 year anniversary of my divorce, which normally makes me smile. Today, I'm especially nostalgic. Not because I miss him, but I miss the idea of having someone love me. He definitely didn't, and most of the guys that I've wasted my time on haven't, but there is still a chance that someone, someday, will choose me. Not holding my breath though. :)
Ok, that's about all that is going on. Just trying to stay sane. Easier said than done this week.
Ok, that's about all that is going on. Just trying to stay sane. Easier said than done this week.
Saturday, June 02, 2012
The wait is killing me!
8 days past IUI. Probably the longest 8 days, I've ever experienced up to this point. Doing my best to stay busy, and not think about it. But hey, who are we kidding? It's about the only thing I can think of. You start looking at any symptom. You start making some up :) I don't feel any different. Nothing, no change. That scares me. But, it is only 8 days past IUI. Come on next week! I'm ready to know, I think. If I'm not pregnant, lets just get on with the next cycle and try to not cry or feel discouraged. Probably easier said than done.
Today to fill my time, I worked on the backyard. Trying to make it a modular rock and green space. I'm happy with the progress so far. Trying to pick only plants that like the hot Oklahoma sun. I'm a horrible green thumb, but I'm trying to learn how to do stuff, before I have a child. :)
Ok, back to pretending I'm not waiting on some really important news.
Today to fill my time, I worked on the backyard. Trying to make it a modular rock and green space. I'm happy with the progress so far. Trying to pick only plants that like the hot Oklahoma sun. I'm a horrible green thumb, but I'm trying to learn how to do stuff, before I have a child. :)
Ok, back to pretending I'm not waiting on some really important news.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Shots Shots Shots..... Finally!!
Arrived at Mammie's house early, to try and calm my nerves. We started watching a movie on Netflix, and I was really enjoying it, then it was time. I did not start shaking until it was time to try and draw the liquid, It's not that hard, but the syringe was awkward in my hand, and the bottle seemed tiny. Add on, Mammie's light, that cast a shadow, and that left me feeling shaky. I wanted to have fun with this moment and really try to bring humor, to a situation, that is a little scary. So I downloaded the song Shots, by LMFAO. Didn't realize how explicit it is, but all in good fun. I just wanted the "Shots, Shots, Shots" part. We shot a couple of videos, should have only been one, but when have I ever done anything right, the first time???
Shots: Part 1
Shots: Part 2
Hopefully I learned from this first experience. If I have to give myself more shots, I'll be much more calm. It didn't hurt. Watching these back, makes me giggle.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Out of order.
I've always done things out of order. It's weird! Everything eventually gets done, but never in the way it works for everyone else. This post for instance, is being posted before another. I've been working on it since Thursday night, but am having the hardest time getting the video uploaded to the page. I'll eventually get it, and hopefully you agree, it was worth the wait.
Yesterday was the big day. It seems like an eternity has past. Nope, that is just the fun of waiting now. At 8:45 yesterday morning, I was inseminated. Doesn't sound as sexy as saying, " my husband and I are trying to have a baby" or " we conceived on Vacation". It was over very quickly, and the nurse told me to stay laying down for about 5 minutes. After that I was free to go. I walked out of there a little shaky. My nerves were shot and the what-ifs, were already rearing their ugly little heads. "What if you actually get pregnant? What if you don't get pregnant? What if you get pregnant, but lose the baby? What if? What if?
I hope that anyone reading this knows that this was such a hard decision to make. Yes, I joke about it, as I do most things, but it has not been easy. Everyday, I question my own decision, and as tough as it was, it was the one I had to make. There has been such an outpouring of support, from people I didn't expect. And there has been complete silence, from people I thought would be here. That is tough, probably the toughest. Maybe you don't think you'll know what to say, but saying nothing, only feeds this growing resentment I feel towards you. Hopefully those who know me will agree, that I might be a little crazy, and outspoken, but I'm loyal and supportive of my friends. I've always tried to be there to help in any way possible. This journey that I'm on, is opening my eyes to the possibility, that maybe some of these friends, don't feel the same way. I don't care how old I get, my feelings get hurt.
That's life, I guess. You win some, you lose some. My family has been the most amazing and supportive group. They try to cheer me up, when I'm feeling low. And my family is weird. It's not traditional. It's made up of mothers and fathers, ex husbands and ex wives, friends from high school. My family is made up of love and laughter. It is made of tears and sweat and hard work. It is made up of my best friends.
Thank you all for becoming a part of my story, a part of my family. Each comment, facebook message, phone call are appreciated more than you will ever know.
Yesterday was the big day. It seems like an eternity has past. Nope, that is just the fun of waiting now. At 8:45 yesterday morning, I was inseminated. Doesn't sound as sexy as saying, " my husband and I are trying to have a baby" or " we conceived on Vacation". It was over very quickly, and the nurse told me to stay laying down for about 5 minutes. After that I was free to go. I walked out of there a little shaky. My nerves were shot and the what-ifs, were already rearing their ugly little heads. "What if you actually get pregnant? What if you don't get pregnant? What if you get pregnant, but lose the baby? What if? What if?
I hope that anyone reading this knows that this was such a hard decision to make. Yes, I joke about it, as I do most things, but it has not been easy. Everyday, I question my own decision, and as tough as it was, it was the one I had to make. There has been such an outpouring of support, from people I didn't expect. And there has been complete silence, from people I thought would be here. That is tough, probably the toughest. Maybe you don't think you'll know what to say, but saying nothing, only feeds this growing resentment I feel towards you. Hopefully those who know me will agree, that I might be a little crazy, and outspoken, but I'm loyal and supportive of my friends. I've always tried to be there to help in any way possible. This journey that I'm on, is opening my eyes to the possibility, that maybe some of these friends, don't feel the same way. I don't care how old I get, my feelings get hurt.
That's life, I guess. You win some, you lose some. My family has been the most amazing and supportive group. They try to cheer me up, when I'm feeling low. And my family is weird. It's not traditional. It's made up of mothers and fathers, ex husbands and ex wives, friends from high school. My family is made up of love and laughter. It is made of tears and sweat and hard work. It is made up of my best friends.
Thank you all for becoming a part of my story, a part of my family. Each comment, facebook message, phone call are appreciated more than you will ever know.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Yes, I'm a daddy's girl.
Everyone that knows me, knows that I'm a daddy's girl. Always have been, and always will be. Now don't get me wrong, I'm blessed beyond measure with a wonderful (crazy) and loving (crazy) mother. It's ok, she loves my brother best anyway, so it works out. :)
I've been overly emotional lately, and I know it's because of the medication. But some of it, can also be attributed to getting older and watching life fly by. Tomorrow is my dad's birthday, and every year, I struggle with figuring out what to get him. He's the type of man, that doesn't want anything, and he has everything he wants. So, I figured this year, since I'm writing this blog, I'll let not only him, but everyone else, know how special this man is to me. Hold on, let me grab the tissues.
Mom and dad divorced when I was 2. They battled for me, 4 times in court, every time dad lost. Well, once he won temporary custody, and mom stole me, and took off for Wichita Falls. Then, when she brought me back, she still won custody. The point of this is, he never gave up. He fought for me and so did she. How loved was I? ( Now they could have just been trying to win, but I'll chalk it up to Love)
Mom never kept me from dad, but we had the standard custody arrangements. Every other weekend and 6 weeks in the summer. I don't remember much of my childhood, because, well it was childhood. But he was a part of my life. He worked his butt off to provide for his new family as well as take care of me.
My dad is the strongest guy I know. Probably another reason, I'm still single. No one compares to him. He tells me I deserve better, and I believe him. He is honest, he doesn't lie to me. Not even when what he has to say, might hurt me. He just says it. He's pushed me to believe in myself more. He's loved me, when I felt broken. He knows when to back off and let me be, and he knows when to get in my face, and tell me to "man up".
He has not had an easy life, but he has never given up. Sometimes, he might rest, but he eventually gets back up. He is a force. He and I can butt heads like nothing you have ever seen. And it's happened a couple of times. But, we always manage to let the hurt go, and just continue on.
Dad, you are my rock and my best friend. I don't care what anyone ever has to say about you, because I know the real you. I'll always have your back.
I would not be the woman I am today, had I not always known your love for me. It's changed through the years, and I appreciate you more everyday. Thank you for all your advice and nagging. Happy Birthday Dad, Daddio, Daddy.
I've been overly emotional lately, and I know it's because of the medication. But some of it, can also be attributed to getting older and watching life fly by. Tomorrow is my dad's birthday, and every year, I struggle with figuring out what to get him. He's the type of man, that doesn't want anything, and he has everything he wants. So, I figured this year, since I'm writing this blog, I'll let not only him, but everyone else, know how special this man is to me. Hold on, let me grab the tissues.
Mom and dad divorced when I was 2. They battled for me, 4 times in court, every time dad lost. Well, once he won temporary custody, and mom stole me, and took off for Wichita Falls. Then, when she brought me back, she still won custody. The point of this is, he never gave up. He fought for me and so did she. How loved was I? ( Now they could have just been trying to win, but I'll chalk it up to Love)
Mom never kept me from dad, but we had the standard custody arrangements. Every other weekend and 6 weeks in the summer. I don't remember much of my childhood, because, well it was childhood. But he was a part of my life. He worked his butt off to provide for his new family as well as take care of me.
My dad is the strongest guy I know. Probably another reason, I'm still single. No one compares to him. He tells me I deserve better, and I believe him. He is honest, he doesn't lie to me. Not even when what he has to say, might hurt me. He just says it. He's pushed me to believe in myself more. He's loved me, when I felt broken. He knows when to back off and let me be, and he knows when to get in my face, and tell me to "man up".
He has not had an easy life, but he has never given up. Sometimes, he might rest, but he eventually gets back up. He is a force. He and I can butt heads like nothing you have ever seen. And it's happened a couple of times. But, we always manage to let the hurt go, and just continue on.
Dad, you are my rock and my best friend. I don't care what anyone ever has to say about you, because I know the real you. I'll always have your back.
I would not be the woman I am today, had I not always known your love for me. It's changed through the years, and I appreciate you more everyday. Thank you for all your advice and nagging. Happy Birthday Dad, Daddio, Daddy.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Learn to Forgive
This is for me, this is for you. What a lesson for all of us. Forgiveness doesn't come easy. We have to make a choice to accept what has happened and move on from it. Everyone does this in their own way. Some people easily brush things off, while others take great offense to everything said and done to them. It's not always about you. Sometimes, it is about someone else. I've learned this lesson the hard way in my life. Every day, I have to pray for God, to soften my heart, towards people. That's life. There are people from my past, who I forgave a long time ago, but then I let them go. They were no longer in my thoughts or my life. And still to this day, I rarely think about them. A few friends, and even a few family members. That's the way I forgive. It may not be right to for everyone, but it's easier for me. I can look back on the past 25 years, and yes, there is some sadness for what was lost, but I didn't cause it. How can you miss something, that you never knew??
As I move forward in this next phase of my life, which by the way, I hope is the middle, and not the end, daily I try to forgive and ask forgiveness. It seems that I can piss people off quite easily. Actually, I've always known that, "You're just like your father", as my mother and step-mother will both attest too. Often times, I feel misunderstood. This blog is about my journey, and as I stated in the first blog, I'll probably lose a few friends along the way. I wasn't kidding. By being honest, and open and putting things out there, some people will realize, that they really don't like me, and that's fine. I'll be ok. I've gained support from people, that I never knew cared, and those are the people that I want to forge a better relationship with, and move beyond being superficial and less than honest.
If you, the person reading this blog, is offended in any way, I'm truly sorry. This is about me and not about you. I never meant to hurt you along the way or make you feel less than important. Whether you are friend or family, you have been a part of my journey thus far, and I hope to keep you until the end. If not, good luck and may God bring you joy and abundance in your life.
As for me, I'm living. Finally, I'm learning to live without fear of what others might think. I'm living to please God and myself. Hopefully, I will make some of you proud as well.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Planning Procrastinator
This post has been running through my mind for a couple of weeks. By no means, has it ever truly been far from my thoughts. I'm a planner. I know, I know, how does that work with being a procrastinator too? I don't have an answer, but it has always just been that way. When I was a child, there was an ordered chaos, that I orchestrated. When it was time to leave the house, I would ask my mother, "do you have your keys, your purse, my food, the program, the directions, etc". I absolutely HATE being late, to anything. Time is something to me, that is equal for everyone. Your time is worth exactly what my time is worth. If you are late meeting me, I take offense to it. Yes, there are circumstances that happen, things we can't control, and sometimes you are late. But as a rule, I'm the type of person, that already prepares for being late, so I'm actually super early when nothing catastrophic happens. Every day I wake up, and I mentally plan out my day. Working out, work, food and then down time. Yes, down time, reading a book or watching TV is in my plan. It's my day, I can do what I want. Having a plan, keeps me from getting bored and doing something stupid, like drinking too much :)
Now, it's been brought to my attention, that once I have kids, all the planning goes out the window, and you just "Do". Awesome! Great! I'll plan for that then. You see, you can always be prepared. Knowing that I won't be able to plan, only gives me time now, to plan for the times, that I won't be able to plan for then. You can be sure, that I'll have all kinds of diaper bags, prepared for just those times. I'll have spares of things, stashed around town at friend's houses, the office, the car, mom's, dads.... see the list goes on. I'll be prepared, for the unexpected. Being prepared will allow me to go with the flow.
Wow, this blog was not even about what I wanted it to be about. But, it works. Guess I'll keep it and work on the next one, which is still about planning. More about plans, but really about being included in plans, and informed of things.
Now, it's been brought to my attention, that once I have kids, all the planning goes out the window, and you just "Do". Awesome! Great! I'll plan for that then. You see, you can always be prepared. Knowing that I won't be able to plan, only gives me time now, to plan for the times, that I won't be able to plan for then. You can be sure, that I'll have all kinds of diaper bags, prepared for just those times. I'll have spares of things, stashed around town at friend's houses, the office, the car, mom's, dads.... see the list goes on. I'll be prepared, for the unexpected. Being prepared will allow me to go with the flow.
Wow, this blog was not even about what I wanted it to be about. But, it works. Guess I'll keep it and work on the next one, which is still about planning. More about plans, but really about being included in plans, and informed of things.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
I was a mother once, a long time ago.
I was a mother once. My heart beat for a little girl, like she was my own. Many tears have been shed over a little girl lost. She was never mine to begin with, but you couldn't tell my heart that.
Met the guy, while she was pregnant. No, I did not break them up, according to him he was already free. Looking back, I think he was lying. No longer do I question the mother's hatred for me, if roles reversed, I would have felt the same way. It's been 7 years on Tuesday, since I last saw her face, in person. It will be her 10th birthday. A few months back, her stepmom sent me a friend request, and I accepted. Her and I have not spoke, but she allowed me a glimpse, of the little girl, I loved so long ago. For that I'm deeply thankful. I wrote a poem for my "daughter", in February of 2005.
Little Girl, I love you so
Here are some things, I want you to know.
Though you aren't mine, not my offspring,
since the day you were born, you've made my heart sing.
When you were a baby, you looked just like your dad.
If someone didn't hold you, you'd cry and get mad.
As you started growing, smiles replaced your tears.
I couldn't wait to watch you grow, through the coming years.
Then you started walking, bolder day by day,
outside we took you, to the park to play.
Next you started talking, what a glorious sound.
It didn't matter what you said, you had us all spellbound.
You wrapped your arms around me, and said you loved me so.
I wanted to keep you young forever, and never let you go.
You are so smart and beautiful, you have taught me about love,
you are the most precious gift, sent from up above.
When you get older, if I'm not around, I just want you to know,
even though, you're not mine, I'll always love you so.
Met the guy, while she was pregnant. No, I did not break them up, according to him he was already free. Looking back, I think he was lying. No longer do I question the mother's hatred for me, if roles reversed, I would have felt the same way. It's been 7 years on Tuesday, since I last saw her face, in person. It will be her 10th birthday. A few months back, her stepmom sent me a friend request, and I accepted. Her and I have not spoke, but she allowed me a glimpse, of the little girl, I loved so long ago. For that I'm deeply thankful. I wrote a poem for my "daughter", in February of 2005.
Little Girl, I love you so
Here are some things, I want you to know.
Though you aren't mine, not my offspring,
since the day you were born, you've made my heart sing.
When you were a baby, you looked just like your dad.
If someone didn't hold you, you'd cry and get mad.
As you started growing, smiles replaced your tears.
I couldn't wait to watch you grow, through the coming years.
Then you started walking, bolder day by day,
outside we took you, to the park to play.
Next you started talking, what a glorious sound.
It didn't matter what you said, you had us all spellbound.
You wrapped your arms around me, and said you loved me so.
I wanted to keep you young forever, and never let you go.
You are so smart and beautiful, you have taught me about love,
you are the most precious gift, sent from up above.
When you get older, if I'm not around, I just want you to know,
even though, you're not mine, I'll always love you so.
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
Monday, May 07, 2012
Feeling Overwhelmed~
I'm not good at making decisions. Some things are easier than others, I'll admit. For years and years, it was thought that I was laid back and go with the flow. NOPE Starting to see a little bit of control issues :) If I like a certain food item at a restaurant, it is pretty hard to get me to order anything different. Shampoo, soap, etc, I tend to buy the same stuff year after year. I know what I like, so I don't stray.
Now I'm faced with, what seems to be an impossible decision. I know, it's just the first of many, once I'm successful in conceiving. I've looked at so many sperm donors, they are starting to look alike. Near tears, several times today, because, this is never a decision I wanted to make. For a long time I believed in the fairy tale, and thought my prince charming would arrive. He would be here to help me make these kinds of decisions. I would have a partner, someone to lean on. The thought of doing this alone, scares me to death, but it something that I want so desperately. There is this ache in my heart, for a life that I dream of. Knowing that the decision has to be made, does not make it easier. Instead my anxiety level has risen to a Category 27.
Knowing that this decision, could affect the rest of my life, is well, nothing less than overwhelming. Some day, I'll have to explain my choice to a son or daughter, and the thought of them not agreeing, or feeling let down by my choices, makes me a little scared.
I did narrow down the choices, and ordered 3 sets of adult pictures. Hoping that one catches my eye and talks to my heart. At least 3 hours today was devoted listening to Question and Answer sessions with the donors. There were a few that made me laugh, which is good. My favorite did not have an available adult photo, but he is top of the list, if the other 3 make me rip my eyes out :)
I still believe in the fairy tale, but it is one I must write myself now. It will be a new version, so when others read, they too can believe in happy endings.
Now I'm faced with, what seems to be an impossible decision. I know, it's just the first of many, once I'm successful in conceiving. I've looked at so many sperm donors, they are starting to look alike. Near tears, several times today, because, this is never a decision I wanted to make. For a long time I believed in the fairy tale, and thought my prince charming would arrive. He would be here to help me make these kinds of decisions. I would have a partner, someone to lean on. The thought of doing this alone, scares me to death, but it something that I want so desperately. There is this ache in my heart, for a life that I dream of. Knowing that the decision has to be made, does not make it easier. Instead my anxiety level has risen to a Category 27.
Knowing that this decision, could affect the rest of my life, is well, nothing less than overwhelming. Some day, I'll have to explain my choice to a son or daughter, and the thought of them not agreeing, or feeling let down by my choices, makes me a little scared.
I did narrow down the choices, and ordered 3 sets of adult pictures. Hoping that one catches my eye and talks to my heart. At least 3 hours today was devoted listening to Question and Answer sessions with the donors. There were a few that made me laugh, which is good. My favorite did not have an available adult photo, but he is top of the list, if the other 3 make me rip my eyes out :)
I still believe in the fairy tale, but it is one I must write myself now. It will be a new version, so when others read, they too can believe in happy endings.
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